Humor

A motherhood warning: don’t say it out loud!

Tell me this hasn’t happened to you: you are sound asleep…the house is quiet…the sun is far from up…you have to pee…you decide to remain uncomfortable, knowing if you get out of bed, someone will pitter patter into the bathroom and start asking you to do stuff for them…you crack an eye open to check the clock, see it’s 5 a.m., snap your eye closed willing yourself comfortable enough to get at least an hour more of sleep…pitter patter pitter patter pitter patter “Mommy, I’m hungry.”…and your day has officially begun! Hey, at least you can pee now. Since my kids were babies I’ve experienced this phenomenon and talked with many parents who know exactly what I mean. My children have some sort of sixth sense, alerting them the moment I emerge from sleep. Maybe when my brain leaves the dream wor...

Are YOU Happy You’re Fat?

On February 19th, I was making breakfast for my three kids when a story on the Today Show caught my ear. Being Thin Didn’t Make Me Happy, But Being ‘Fat’ Does. Joni Edelman (can I just call you Joni? We’re friends, right?  We really should be) dared to say what I think a lot of women out there feel: That body image has so much less to do with overall health than it does our mental state.

Funny Quiz: Are You Honoring Your New Year’s Resolutions?

1. You vowed to give up sugar. While taking this quiz, you will jot down your answers with: a. A pencil b. You’ll remember your answers c. Your finger dipped in chocolate syrup 2. In 2013, you were going to start running. How many times have you laced up your shoes and gone? a. Huh? I’m licking my score sheet. b. Over ten and it’s only January 15th. c. More than once. 3. You vowed to quit a bad habit cold turkey. Have you slipped-up? Which statement applies?

One Wheelchair, Three Butts: Date Night Gone Wrong

#1: Stitches The phone rang in the middle of Date Night during an episode of  Homeland, showing in our TV room. Kids Night Out was reporting that our son had crashed into metal bleachers while playing indoor tag. He had a gash on his leg that should be looked at. We shut down Carrie and the CIA to retrieve our kids and head to urgent care. We had to wheel him in — and later out — in a wheelchair. Though in pain, Reed remained his jovial self from the time we retrieved him until the time the doctor said he would need stitches. That declaration broke Reed’s resolve and a full-on panic attack ensued.

I Dropped the F- Bomb and Kids Say the Darndest Things

Yes. I dropped the “F” bomb. As in: right in front of my five-year-old. I came home one evening from work and decided to help Husband with the most important part of the dinner: open and pour the wine. As I walked back and forth around the kitchen, I did not bother to read the label on the wine. I only realized upon swiftly and expertly opening the bottle, I was dealing with a sparkling Moscato. As I watched-and felt, mostly- in horror as the Moscato got sprayed all over my face, dress and kitchen floor, I let out a heart-felt, totally-mean-it, “F%%&&K!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” I got THE look from Husband and yes, you guessed it,  from the noisy five-year-old, who asked for an explanation.  Now we know the word “FF%%&&K” is a Romanian word (I’m Romani...

The Great Ear Piercing: Why This Rite of Passage is Painful (On Many Levels)

I recently had a conversation with a friend about getting her daughter’s ears pierced and it brought back a flood of memories. Once upon a time, I was only kidding when I said the following to my daughter: “Hey, Sweetie. Do you think you want to try to get your ears pierced again?” “Yes, Mom. I think I am ready.” Ready for what? Another meltdown that resulted in my anxiety attack? I haven’t had an iron-clad rule like some parents when my child should get her ears pierced. I had mine done in kindergarten and we made the same attempt a few years ago when my daughter was the same age during a family visit to Canada. I was rather indifferent when my sister-in-law Jane suggested it and my daughter was game so we headed over to the mall. But then she saw The D...

Kitchen Remodel: 10 survival tips to get you through the process

Here’s the deep dark secret that the kitchen-remodeling websites and magazines don’t want you to know: Between the before and after photos, you live in a house with no kitchen. For weeks, more likely months. And that’s not a pretty picture. My own kitchen remodel involved time on a ladder scraping away popcorn, doing my own painting and cabinet assembly and literally herding cats, not to mention all the major and minute decisions I had to make. Here are the 10 survival tips I learned along the way. 1. Undergo triage When you pack up, sort your kitchen gear into three categories: storage; temporary kitchen; and toss/donate/recycle. This task can be done over time, with the final items leaving the kitchen the night before demolition begins. Give the boxes going to storage d...

Baking with Altitude: A Fluffy Obsession

I know thin has always been in but, when it comes to cookies, I want them fat and fluffy. Baking at a higher altitude has complicated that for me. Since moving to Colorado, things are happening that high school chemistry didn’t prepare me for. I’ve had cookies so crumbly that they were barely being held together by a wish and a dream. Sure, I’ve tried adjusting ingredients. I’ve added, subtracted, multiplied, and divided, but my cookies are never fluffy.   I shouldn’t need to understand the restrictions of mass and external forces required for space exploration. These are cookies. At the same time, I feel like I’m in chemistry class all again trying to figure out what ingredients and how many to replace before something explodes in my oven.   It’s become an obsession ...

If you can’t take the heat, don’t get “carmationed”

Our society is so squeamish about death. Until the last six or seven decades, I imagine that death was not so hidden. During agricultural times, we were used to farm animals dying and to dressing our own dead, to having their remains sit in the parlor downstairs until we marched them in a pine box to the family plot in the community cemetery. Perhaps death wasn’t such a spook then. Now, we are so unfamiliar with death that we don’t know how to process it when it inevitably comes into our lives. I try to think about it now and then. I allow my mind to “go there” to lessen death’s foreign-ness, at non-threatening times and in a non-threatening way. Witness the lagoon of quicksand that swallows me when I take this stand with my children. A few years ago in the ca...

Warning: Watch Dax Shepard’s Hilarious Video About Childbirth at Your Own Risk

Is anyone else in mourning that NBC’s Parenthood is in its final season? Dax Shepard, one of my favorite actors from the show, shared the story of the birth of his three-week-old daughter, Delta, on Ellen. The video has since gone viral due to its hilarity. You can’t help but be charmed by Shepard in the beginning but warning: it gets worse. Much worse. As in, when describing wife Kristen Bell’s C-section, he said he “I’d rather see a school bus drive out of her vagina” kind of worse. His hilarious interview is definitely worth watching!

Parents Talk to Their Kids About The Birds and the Bees for the First Time

Ahhh, the birds and the bees. A group of parents agreed to explain to their kids where babies come from on camera in this new viral video created by Cut.com, a Seattle-based video production company. The reactions are cringeworthy and hilarious. P.S. Nick should be available for hire to give “the talk.”

New Year resolutions: resolving to realistically resolute for 2015

I’ve never been good at New Year resolutions because I never follow through. So, an effective resolution for me would be to make a list of things I’ll never get around to doing. Only then would I ever succeed.