background img

Happy Father’s Day! 30 dad jokes so bad they’re good

We love our dads…and we love dad jokes. 

Here’s to celebrating all of the wonderful fathers in our lives!

  • “Dad, did you get a haircut?” “No, I got them all cut!”
  • “My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!”
  • “How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut.”
  • “Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.”
  • “I don’t trust stairs. They’re always up to something.”
  • “What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.”
  • “Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to spread it!”
  • “Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.”
  • “Dad, can you put my shoes on?” “No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.”
  • “Why can’t a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.”
  • “This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in.”
  • “Dad, can you put the cat out?” “I didn’t know it was on fire.”
  • How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
  • “I could tell a joke about pizza, but it’s a little cheesy.”
  • “Don’t trust atoms. They make up everything!”
  • “When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.”
  • “I wouldn’t buy anything with velcro. It’s a total rip-off.”
  • “What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.”
  • To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word.
  • I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
  • If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
  • “I’ll call you later.” Don’t call me later, call me Dad.”

DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.

MOM: Oh my! Who!?

DAD: Uh, I can’t remember… I think her name was Reese something?

MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????

DAD: No, it was with a knife…

Happy Father’s Day!

Love,

The Mamas

 

 

Dad-isms: Funny things dads say

Does anyone have a Dad who says the same things over and over?

I do. So about 20 years ago for my Dad’s birthday, my sisters and I put together an ENTIRE BOOK of his repeatisms. I will spare you the insider ones such as “I always carry a garlic shaker” and leave you with some of the true gems, the ones that turned out to be helpful in life rather than just annoying in the moment.

And ones that will possibly show up in Tessa’s and Reed’s book of Mom-isms one day.

  • Sometimes you COUNT the votes and sometimes you WEIGH them.
  • Everyone is NOT doing it because YOU are not!
  • What kind of sissy word is “fair”?
  • Treat people when you don’t need them the way you wish you’d treated them when you do need them (sit with it a moment ’til it makes sense — it actually got me a job once).
  • Leave things better than you find them.
  • Come in when the streetlights are on!
  • Elbow your way in.
  • Draw a wider circle. (meaning: don’t find reasons to exclude yourself)
  • I’m glad I had daughters because they are so genteel (usually said after a burping contest — or worse).
  • 90% of the world’s work is done by people who don’t feel very good (we were not allowed to slack much).
  • Drive like everyone is out to get you.
  • Just because G*d picked your nose doesn’t mean YOU can (said to one of my sisters, I’m sure).
  • Starting is half done.
  • Everything in moderation, including moderation.
  • Put the short things on the short shelf and the tall things on the tall shelf (he actually said this to me last week when looking in my fridge for tonic).

Up there is a photo I found online of my Dad, the consummate teacher (although not by profession) teaching citizens about his main passion, freedom.

We kid him a lot, but my sisters and I hold immense respect and love for our Dad. It’s amazing to us that this man who grew up without a father had it in him to become a great one anyhow.

So thanks, Dad, for saying such wise and loving things. Over and over and over and over…

Now I’m going to obsess and compulse over the height of things in my refrigerator.

What -isms do you attribute to your dad?

‘Hot Costco Dad’ goes viral after first enthusiastic trip to superstore

A video of a father who was overjoyed at his unbelievable savings on groceries has garnered five million views and earned him the enviable nickname “hot Costco dad.”

It all began when TJ Musto posted the video depicting his father’s triumphant return from his inaugural trip to Costco to reddit and Twitter. Choruses of affection from all corners of the internet came quickly. Inspired viewers were right there with him, flying home from the wholesale warehouse club on frugal wings of joy.

In the video, a voice off-camera asks Musto which items were good deals. Musto excitedly points and says, “the water.” Musto lifts up a large bag of what appear to be pistachios, shaking them at someone off-screen, while enthusiastically revealing the price he just paid for said item: “$9!” According to Musto, they’d be about a third more expensive at his local supermarket.

“These sausages — I think were eight bucks!” he said with a level of excitement usually reserved for animated cartoons. “Stephanie said she’s getting me a Costco card for my birthday.”

We hear ya and can’t wait until you make one for Target. 

The Top 14 Parenting Violations from a highway dancing Colorado mom

In a recent Colorado snowstorm, my kids and I found ourselves stuck in traffic for almost five hours due to a horrible blizzard that left many motorists stranded.  My poor son, Nathan, was completely stressed out and my daughter Jordan, was bored out of her gourd, so I decided to lift their spirits. We hadn’t moved in over four hours and so spontaneously I seized the once in a lifetime chance to dance on the interstate. I cranked up the radio which just happened to be playing “Everybody! Rock Your Body” by the Back-Street Boys. Within a few days of posting the video on Facebook, friends from all over the nation were telling me they had seen us on the news, and within three days we were making news stations around the world! “Inside Edition” “The Today Show” and even Nick Carter from the Back-Street boy tweeted about us!

 But before any of this happened, I was in the process of writing a parenting book soon to be published called, Guiding Their Drive: Parenting by Personality. Since I am a parenting coach, my five hours in gridlock inspired the following list. 

 The Top 14 Parenting Violations

  1. They drive with a fogged-up windshield. Having a blurred perspective will cause a parent to have unrealistic expectations of what “normal” or “good behavior should look like. You have to know your kids’ strengths, but also their limitations, so you don’t expect them to do what they can’t! Expecting your daughter who is a highly rational thinker, to show empathy and gratitude is unrealistic. Parents need to teach their children to develop the skills they are lacking and not shame them for being who they were born to be.
  2. They try to fix the potholes instead of focusing on the inner state of their child. It’s much easier to focus on the negative than it is the positive. Lea Waters PhD. author of The Strength Switch, writes, “We’re programmed to see what’s wrong faster and more frequently than what’s right.” If we are raising a child who is our opposite, it is easy to frame the differences we see as negatives, rather than strengths we just don’t recognize or understand. For instance, a kind and gentle mother might frame her son as argumentative, since she doesn’t recognize what the skill of debating might look like before it is fully developed.
  3. They take their eyes off the road.  Instead of focusing on what is truly best for their child, even if it might be an unconventional way of parenting, they focus on the opinions of others. Or instead of trying to truly understand why their child is misbehaving, they just want to change the behavior as soon as possible so no one will judge or question their parenting capabilities. Grandparents are notorious for sticking their noses in where they don’t belong and often have strong opinions how “little Johnny” should be raised.
  4. They try to text and drive! On average, parents of children ages 8 to 18 consume screen media for more than nine hours each day, and of that, these parents devote nearly eight hours to watching movies, playing video games and scrolling through social media. These findings come from a new report released by Common Sense Media.  According to another study, connection between parents and their children is the number one way to prevent at risk behavior in kids. If parents want their kids to have a healthy relationship with technology, they need to model it themselves. 
  5. They forget to look in the rear-view mirror and know their own strengths and limitations. Children naturally want to differentiate themselves from their parents and siblings. I know that I am an expressive and feeling parent who occasionally loses her temper. After these episodes, I will say to my daughter, “I admire the way you keep your calm no matter how upset you are! We are wired so differently!” Then after she has protested the injustice of something being unfair, I validate how she is feeling, but tell her how something being unfair doesn’t bother me as much as someone who says something unkind. Pointing out our unique differences teaches her that each person has their own way of looking at the world so that she can be more accepting of other points of view.
  6. They don’t “Stop, Look and Listen.” Some temperaments are introverted and hide their true feelings. They may pretend to enjoy soccer because their dad is coaching the team and would be disappointed if they didn’t play. They may give you little clues, but chances are, if you don’t take the time to sit with them, watch for body language, and listen without judging or giving advice, you will never know what is really going on.
  7. They have a “My Way or the Highway” approach.  Traditional parenting mandates that parents must always have the final word and not let their kids get the upper hand. The “because I said so” approach will shut down your kids and cause hurt, resentment and maybe even rebellion. Parents may also impose their will upon their child by making them play an instrument or participate in a sport even though their child has expressed their disinterest. I have seen far too many kids who were forced to play a sport from age three, burn out on that sport, or worse yet, have a career-ending injury by the time they get to High School.
  8. They don’t realize that parenting is a two-way street. Parents who are humble enough to admit when they are being too harsh will earn the love and respect of their kids. We all make hasty parenting decisions in the moment that may not be the best, but we feel we will appear weak if we back down. Recognize these times as opportunity for negotiation. Teach your kids how to problem solve and come up with a win/win solution. You can say, “Maybe you have a point. What is your solution so that we are both halfway happy?”
  9. They are too much of an air bag! What is it about parents and lectures? Lecturing causes your child to feel shamed and stupid. It is better to state the misbehavior logically and calmly, then deliver the consequence. 
  10. They don’t drive with guardrails. Although some kids need more freedom than others, all kids feel safer with boundaries in place. Well-communicated rules allow your children to know what is expected of them giving them a sense of security and confidence.
  11. They don’t use their cruise control. It is better to have fewer rules and be consistent with those rules than to have too many rules that you can’t enforce. Dr. Bernard Arons, M.D., director of the Center for Mental Health Services, in Washington, DC states that, “The more consistent the message, the more stable they feel. Without consistency, kids have a hard time controlling themselves.”  Consistency lets your child know that you mean business and no amount of whining, screaming or stomping will change your mind! 
  12. They put it in overdrive. Some parents just do too much for their kids. Helicopter parents love their kids so much that they don’t ever want to see that child fail. Gist: The Essence of Raising Life Ready Kids by Timothy Johansen and Michael Anderson advocates for letting kids fail while they are under your roof so you can teach them problem-solving skills. Instead of fixing the problem for them, let them wrestle with it and come up with a creative solution. I work with parents all the time who are exhausted because they do too much for their very capable kids. As soon as they are ready they can make their own breakfasts, do their own laundry and pack their own lunches. These are life skills that will help them when they leave the nest.
  13. They never take the scenic route. Many parents I work with get stuck in the rut of parenting the same way they were parented, even if it didn’t work for them when they were kids. They may feel that it is just it’s too much work to customize the way they parent for each of their children’s unique needs. Dr. Elaine Aron, Author of The Highly Sensitive Child recommends enlisting a parenting coach who understands child temperament to help you navigate the backroads!
  14. And finally, when there is gridlock, they don’t dance on the highway! According to a professor of psychology at Stanford University, “Negative emotions involve more thinking and processing then positive ones, so they stick with us longer.” 

 We were having the worst day ever as we sat in that blizzard for almost five hours. I knew I had to paint the memory positive somehow, so I danced on the highway! Positive parenting works! How do I know? My silly little dance on the highway resonated with millions, but with my kids it created a memory that will last a lifetime!

Not only is Wendy Gossett MA,  a parenting and relationship coach with an extensive background in temperament psychology, but she recently went viral when she decided to cheer up her kids by dancing in traffic on I-25. When her second child Jordan was born, Wendy didn’t understand anything about her!  She decided to apply her experience with temperament psychology as an educator, both with schools and business teams, to her relationship with her daughter. She created a Kid Navig8tion and Family Mapping System using the 8 psychological functions of the brain to help parents understand themselves and their kids from the inside out! Parents who work with Wendy say that. “She has completely changed our lives for the better!” Sign up for a Family Mapping session, and look for “Guiding Their Drive: Parenting to your Kid’s Personality,” which will be available soon at  PeopleWorksCO.com

Hilarious spoof on what moms are like goes viral

Just how “mom” are you?

Trey Kennedy, a comedian with a knack for creating hilarious videos, recently did a spoof on what moms are actually like that will make kids, teens and parents chuckle.

He shared the clip — which is appropriately titled “Moms”— on his Facebook page, and it instantly went viral. How many of his spoofs apply to you?

Rite of passage: crawling into the play structures to find your kids

When my daughter was young, one of our favorite places to play is a local play-area at a Rec Center near us. The indoor play-structure was built with a tree house theme in mind, and all of the tunnels stretch out above the room, like the branches of a tree. It’s great because the parents can stand or sit down below and chat while their kiddos crawl through miles and miles of tubing above. There are many different compartments, most all with windows overlooking the room below. There are different slides throughout so that you can easily get down…only to run around like a crazy person on the squishy floor of the play area and climb the spiral stairs up again.

Claire and I went there many times. Our Moms’ Club et there on occasion (more now, in colder weather, since meeting at a park to play is so nice-weather-dependent). It was great to meet my friends and chat while Claire played with the friends she knew in the group and meet new friends who happened to be playing there that day as well.

But, it wasn’t always like that.

At first, Claire didn’t want anything to do with the looming structure. The stairs were too enclosed, and the tunnels too confining, and she’d get three steps up and start crying for me. The whole thing turned into more of a stressor than a playful relaxing time, so I opted not to go to the playdates at the center. Our group had so many activities during the week that it was fine to pick and choose.

Eventually, we started going again. Claire started getting more and more comfortable with going up the stairs into the structure by herself, and the more she did it, the more confident she became. Sometimes she’d venture out on her own, and sometimes all it took was an older or more confident explorer to say, “Hey! Come play with me!” and off they’d go.

And, then, we reached a new level….

Take THAT, Dead Husband: Decorating my House for Christmas

In some ways, Christmas is the one time of the year that I embrace my widowhood.

I know that sounds a little heartless, but hear me out before you make that judgment.

It has nothing to do with how much I miss my husband – that’s something I can’t even put into words. And every year, I go through the usual heartbreak that most people my situation do: I stare at the empty chair my husband used to occupy for Christmas dinner. I apologize to my dad because he is now the person forced to wrestle my tree into the stand. I grit my teeth while shopping for the electronics my kids have on their Christmas lists that I don’t understand and will never fully know how to operate.

OH MY GOURD: It’s Decorative Gourd Season

But seriously.. what’s the deal with all the gourds right now?

Thanks to the Holderness Family for reading my mind on this one….

The Holderness family are self described as a hot mess, doing their best to do life better. Through music videos, skits, failed DIYs or podcasts — their goal in life is to make you laugh. Penn, Kim, Lola, and Penn Charles create family fun videos.

Humor: The truth about laundry

A true conversation between a mom and her 12-year-old son (who has repeatedly done laundry before).

Mom: Can you please put the clothes in the dryer?
Son: Which one is the dryer, the top one?
Mom: Yes.
Son: Which clothes, the ones in the basket?
Mom: No. The ones in the washing machine.
Son: Which one is that?

Marriage Advice: Why not to go back-to-school shopping together

My kids are [somehow] in the seventh and nine grades. The school provides laptops for them so school supplies are minimal. Pencil. Notebook. Organizer. I didn’t realize I was in mourning until I passed the anarchy-that-is-the-back-to-school aisle and wistfully thought, “I no longer need to buy them crayons.”

My, how times have changed from this blog post I wrote just a few years ago….

=====

If there is one thing I despise about back-to-school, it’s the shopping.

Now, let me be upfront here: If it isn’t Costco or Target and ends in ________ mall, I generally have to be dragged in kicking and screaming. For this reason, I left my kids’ school supply shopping until just a few days prior to the advent of school last year.

Here’s a little tip to the procrastinators out there: you will not win. The supplies will be depleted and you will have to go to several different stores instead of just one, augmenting an already stressful situation.

Note: if you somehow find school supply shopping cathartic, I will be happy expound upon the aberration of college-lined vs. wide-lined notebooks and my goose chase to find Elmer’s Glue-all and NOT their School Glue (which is 99 percent of what the store carried) while battling a battalion of frenzied moms.

This year, I recruited a reinforcement and brought my husband, Jamie. I handed him the much-shorter list for my kindergartner (about 12 items) while I tackled my 7-year-old daughter’s list (my sheet included the other grades’ items as well).

Things shockingly went smoothy until they didn’t.

Isn’t that how it always has to happen?….

We both finished in under 30 minutes and were on the way to the check-out when I looked down at my sheet, stopped and morosely declared “OHHH NOOOOO.”

As it turns out, I had collected everything a first grader needs for academic success but here’s the catch: my daughter was in first grade last year and is going into second grade. Who knew?

Evidently not her own mother.

The lists are, of course, completely different and so I trudged back to the school supply section, dumped my previous findings and started from scratch. I was glad my husband had at least figured it out.

Or so I thought.

When we reunited, he started questioning the veracity of the list.

“A clipboard? Why on earth would a kindergartener need a clipboard with his name on it?”

I tried to explain a few scenarios but he then threatened to boycott some other items as well.

“Jamie, if it’s on the list, we have to buy it. It’s like the commandments–you can’t pick-and-choose which ones to follow.”

He seemed to get it and grumpily purchased the good-for-nothing clipboard. When we arrived home, I started labeling the items with my children’s names and double-checked to ensure we bought everything.

He didn’t.

“Jamie, where are the 10 glue sticks?”
“We have a ton of glue sticks.”
“No, we don’t.”

In his defense, I could have appeared on an episode of Hoarders for my glue-stick fetish but that was a few years ago and rehab taught me only three glue sticks per household was necessary.

“What about snack-sized Ziploc bags, Jamie?”
“We have those as well.”
“We only have quart- and gallon-sized.”
“Same thing.”

And then came the colored pencils, which he also neglected to purchase. His defense?

“That was not on the list.”

“It was item No. 1.”

{Silence. Chirping crickets.}

Tomorrow, I’ll be returning to the store.

And next year, the back-to-school supply shopping battle will be waged alone.