It should be noted, despite the use of the term “mom” in the article, it is geared toward any caregiver who identifies with this tough-as-nails role.
You know what none of us are immune to? Mom guilt. The other day I ran into a fellow mom at the grocery store. She’s one of those moms who appears to have it all together, all the time. I offered a compliment about one of her kids, and then her face changed. “Oh thank you. Because I feel mom guilt all the time,” she shared. This from a woman who had just finished visiting her kiddo at school during a work day to deliver a special birthday lunch.
What is Mom Guilt?
Guilt is a self-imposed emotion that is the result of perceived or actual wrongdoing. Guilt often arises when there are unclear standards to which we hold ourselves, and parenting just so happens to be the role with the most unclear and conflicting set of standards. While naively holding out hope that my parenting manual will one day arrive, I bide my time by consuming media from varied parenting resources available to me now. These self-help parenting books, articles, interviews, and podcasts doll out high expectations, conflicting recommendations and confusing paradoxes: Enrich your kids from an early age; higher-resourced families are doing a disservice by offering their kids too much enrichment. Dedicate a certain amount of time to solo play with your children, but also allow them to be bored. When they get bored and start bickering with their sibling, let them work it out because we, as a culture, have robbed our kids of opportunity for organic play and problem solving.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve enjoyed much of what I’ve learned, but the conflicting messages are overwhelming especially when taking into account teacher feedback, data from standardized tests, CDC-informed pediatricians, feedback and opposing needs from other family members, and so much more. We grow tolerant of worry which often translates into guilt: Are our kids growing and thriving? Are they being kind to other humans? Did we send them to school with shoes? (a legitimate concern.)
Getting Back to the Basics
Maybe we’d be able to cut ourselves some slack if we started parenting according to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. Maslow, a parent and psychologist, suggested that meeting physiological and safety-based needs are the most necessary for overall success and what he calls self actualizing. According to Maslow, we need the basics: food, sleep, shelter, protection, access to health care, etc.
He mentions other need domains like love & belonging, self-esteem and self-actualization. While these are also important, parents aren’t solely responsible for meeting the needs outlined in these domains. These needs are constantly in flux and will vary depending on a number of factors that ebb and flow throughout life. These needs can be met by parents, but also by people and organizations that exist in our communities: coaches, teachers, friends, peers, etc. And these higher-order needs don’t carry as much weight as do the basics.
There are several types of guilt including survivors guilt and existential guilt. But even though Maslow didn’t mention it, I think mom guilt has a place on the list. And let’s be honest, it’s unlikely that our mom guilt will ever disappear. Guilt is an emotional experience that is hard-wired into (most) humans. It serves a purpose, even in well-meaning moms.
We can choose to redirect our guilt by clarifying our role and reminding ourselves of our primary parental responsibilities. We can also choose to recognize that other individuals and entities play a hand in influencing the well-being of our kids. We moms are not exclusively responsible for meeting every single one of our kids’ needs regardless of the nagging voice telling us otherwise. Despite our intentions (we just want to do the very best job raising our kids) a water bottle and a sandwich is a big step in the right direction.
Robin is mental health therapist and advocate living just south of Denver. No stranger to the experience of mom guilt, Robin is mom to two elementary-aged kids who are sure to let her know when she’s falling a little short of their expectations. Her go-to coping mechanisms are sarcasm, sleep and sweets, in no particular order. https://www.robinsweetcounseling.org/
Author: Mile High Mamas
