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(Hilarious) Third Trimester Tendencies

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Pregnancy brain is: Requesting information from your midwife about postpartum contraception, specifically an IED, without realizing that you are asking to have an explosive devised placed in the uterus.  My amazingly professional midwife glossed over my comment and handed me several handouts for an intrauterine device (an IUD).

With just one month  left until the big day, I’ve got to admit, pregnancy brain is the least of my concerns. I’m scared to death. Up to this point, I’ve managed to suppress traumatic details from birth number one. I’ve simply been too preoccupied by our now toddler to reflect. As I take a moment to acknowledge my birthing fears, I think I may actually be more anxious about L&D this time around. After all, this time I kind of know what to expect. Jitters aside, I will allow this baby girl to vacate my body at some point in the near future lest I continue to experience these nutty third trimester symptoms:

Voracious Appetite:

It’s like I’m a bear waking from hibernation. These days, my uncontrollable appetite strikes without warning — like today while walking the dog around the block. After seriously considering dog treats for satiety, I pleaded with my husband to do a drive-by snack drop off. Words were not exchanged, but rather the hubs pulled up in his black SUV, lowered the passenger side window, and chucked food at me. I’ve never been more in love. I was literally just up the street.

Poo Problems:

Despite my conviction that I would remain constipated up to the very end, I have in fact, lost all control of my bowels. To the couple who strolled past me and my dog last night as I crouched behind a large tree to relieve myself: I’m sorry. I’m sorry, and I’m pregnant. I promise this is atypical behavior (pooping behind trees, not walking the dog).

Growing Bump:

At times an inconvenience, my growing baby bump frequently comes in handy. Not only is my bump an incubator of babies and a catcher of crumbs, my bump can also be used to propel my toddler forward in his stroller hands-free. I’m tempted to see if my bump is equally able to steer the car. I’ll keep you posted.

Off The Wall Dreams:

These days, my vivid sex dreams leave me feeling fully satisfied without having to go to the trouble of getting undressed.  It’s amazingly convenient.

Other Peoples Opinions:

I’ve come to expect unsolicited comments about my pregnant body, and have even gotten better at taking these comments in stride. Though I’ve yet to figure out the best way to respond to gratuitous body comments, my plans to lay around like a beached whale for the next several weeks are firm.

The Urge to Nest:

I spend my fleeting free time actively avoiding nesting. The nesting tendency didn’t really strike during my first pregnancy, and this holds true with baby number two. Don’t get me wrong, I’m keeping the bathroom clean in preparation for the flu-like labor symptoms I experienced last time, but that’s about as nesty as it’s getting.

Birth Plan:

I’m convinced that every sneeze, drop of pee and gas pain is, in fact, an indication that I am going into labor this minute. For this reason, I’ve developed a birth plan: When my water breaks I will give my lady parts a good rinsing, pack my hospital bag (no, I have not done this yet) and head out the door.

Truth: As long as I avoid stepping on the scale, the third trimester isn’t actually unbearable. Like I said though, I’ve got to let this little POW (prisoner of womb) out at some point. When that day comes, not only do I hope for a healthy baby and smooth pregnancy, I’m hoping to keep things poop free and as painless as possible.

Robin is a Colorado native living in Denver with her her husband, son, dog and cat.  For the past several months, Robin has been consumed by fear and excitement as she prepares for the arrival of her second child, due at the end of March.  Her go-to coping mechanisms are sarcasm, sleep and sweets, in no particular order.

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