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I Didn’t Know What I Didn’t Know – 11 Things No One Told Me About Motherhood

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When my little guy turned one, I was compelled to reflect on the past year and how uninformed my mom friends allowed me to be as I embarked on new motherhood. True, I had zero mom friends until after I became a mom, but this is beside the point.  I was overly expectant of the obvious and under-prepared for the nuances of motherhood.  Some the of the gems I learned during my first year:

  1. If you breastfeed, your boobs will probably turn into fleshy flaps hanging sadly from your chest. My postnatal boobies have all but vanished, leaving me relatively flat-chested with two permanently erect nipples.
  1. There may be post-nursing weight GAIN!  If you are anything like me, you begin to feel entitled to eat whateverthehellyouwantwhile breastfeeding. Then you stop breastfeeding.  Your poor eating habits do not follow suit.  You begin to question whether or not you are pregnant again.
  1. You realize that baby food is not half bad! Baby Mum Mums, Puffs, Gerber prunes… you have been missing out for years! Until I had my little guy, I believed baby food to be reserved for a) babies and b) anorexics.
  1. The urge to nest may arrive fashionably late… like a full year. Only now am I beginning to experience genuine excitement about creating an enticing and kid-friendly space. I’m ready to build a freaking playroom! (I’m not planning on lifting a finger, but am willing to manage the project.)
  1. Dirt is a category on your family’s food pyramid. I don’t know about other moms of little boys, but I eventually gave up the fight. Rocks and soil are an acceptable snack in this house, and pica is a tolerable syndrome (far more so than colic).
  1. You have far less time to run errands which have now become major events for which you must pack a minimum of three days’ worth of necessities.  Luckily, you have a toddler skilled at stashing anything and everything in random places; you may think you need to purchase cat food, only to realize that there are several unopened cans hidden in the heater vent. Even so, your pets realized a year ago that their needs no longer matter.
  1. You begin to question what constitutes abuse and neglect as your mini person travels recklessly around the house wreaking havoc on his body.  Never before had I heard a noise like the one that escaped my little guy when he realized that he was hanging for dear life from his high chair tray.  You swallow your anxiety with spoonfuls of baby food.
  1. You realize that you’ve given birth to an abusive psychopath with razors for nails and fangs for teeth. He’s out for blood. You wrack your brain for plausible explanations for your obvious war wounds.
  1. You realize that your love IS conditional. This kid damn well better favor you over his father! Eff Jimmy Fallon and his Dadabook.
  1. In place of rose-colored glasses or beer goggles, you begin wearing mommy contacts through which your child truly is the cutest, smartest, most talented kid in the world.
  1. You already kind of disapprove of his future wife/partner. Does she just want him for his money?

IF we make it to year two (this is highly dependent upon whether his first word is or is not mama), I’ll be eager to learn (and list) our many year-two lessons

Robin is a Colorado native living in Denver with her her husband and son.  For the past several months, Robin has been consumed by fear and excitement as she prepares for the arrival of her second child, due at the end of March.  Her go-to coping mechanisms are sarcasm, sleep and sweets, in no particular order.

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