Humor: Moms I have been (and my reality)

We have all done it—second-guessed ourselves. Our innate parenting ability is only as good as the next mom. And we give her the side-eye, trying to be as inconspicuous as possible, noting her clothing, her demeanor, her stroller, her physique, and even her snacks. Over the past 12 years, ever since my oldest son came hurling from my vagina almost six weeks early, I have second-guessed the mother I am more times than I can count, and have tried on the shoes of many of the other types of moms I have seen.

1. Sporty mom. We all know one—the woman in her Lululemon yoga pants and cute halter sports bra/top. Her hair is expertly tousled to appear effortless, though it probably took an hour of coaxing and teasing to achieve the look. This mom achieved her pre-baby body like five minutes after delivering and makes mothering look as easy as getting her body back after pregnancy.

 My reality: I tried this for about three hours once. I achieved the hairstyle pretty easily (surprisingly). Next step: yoga pants. Lululemon was certainly out of my price range, but good ole’ Champion from Target fit the bill perfectly (though not my ass very well). Also, said yoga pants had been worn as pajama bottoms for an indeterminate amount of time prior to my attempt at being sporty mom. The result: I appeared slightly homeless and my pants smelled like cheese made from dog milk. But my hair looked Ah. May. Zing. 

2. Natural Mom. The woman who bans chemicals from everything, makes baby food from scratch, uses only cloth diapers, and opts out of using shampoo in favor of baking soda. She is the woman who banishes artificial anything from her kids’ diets while maintaining that once she eliminated gluten from her own diet, she lost like 60 pounds in a week.

My reality: The baking soda made my hair feel like straw covered in Vaseline. I tried hand-washing a crappy diaper one time, and the idea of [willingly] sticking my hands into my kid’s poop was as appealing to me as sticking it into a nest of angry hornets.  Making my own baby food was a pain in the butt, and my kitchen looked as though it needed to be hosed down with good old-fashioned bleach as opposed to chemical-free odor-free (let’s just call these cleaners what they really are: water) cleaner. And it turns out my body wouldn’t know what to do if I eliminated the cheese Danish food group, so eliminating gluten was certainly out of the question. 

3. Chic Bob Mom. This is the woman who is perfectly put together at all times. Her hair is cut into a beautiful, artfully chic bob with the perfect amount of highlights and lowlights. Her nails are impeccably manicured every two weeks without fail, and her children are always perfectly coiffed replicas of her with matching outfits and not a speck of dirt or disarray. She arrives everywhere on time and spends her days driving to piano lessons, tae kwon do, ballet, math tutors, and finds the time to squeeze in all her errands in between.

 My reality: Thinking I could be Chic Bob Mom was probably my biggest mistake. See, chopping off my hair to emulate this mom just created a football helmet with dark roots. My impeccably manicured nails got covered in baby poop (see hand-washing crappy diaper above), with one little speck of poo jammed underneath in a place I couldn’t scrape it out. No amount of cajoling will convince my children to stay neatly dressed, and the  result was they looked slightly homeless as we arrived everywhere at a screeching halt 15 minutes late. Oh, Chic Bob Mom, how do you do it? 

4. The Sensitive Nurturing Mom. This one is definitely an anomaly. I REALLY wanted to be this mom. When I was pregnant with my first child, this was the type of mom I saw myself being. She is the one who understands her child’s needs and meets them with very little effort. If you’re looking for the perfect homemade chocolate chip cookie, THIS is the mom who will bake them. She has the patience of Job and never raises her voice to her children. She kisses boo-boos and tells the best bedtime stories.

My reality: I can certainly bake a mean chocolate chip cookie, but most often it comes from the freezer section of the grocery store. After five seconds of whining over my kid wanting the blue cup instead of the yellow one, my patience is nearly gone, and a few more seconds of bickering with her siblings has me screaming like a banshee. Kissing boo-boos is replaced with, “stop crying, there’s NOTHING there!”, and bedtime stories are retelling the plot of The Amazing World of Gumball.

I realize there are a lot of other types of moms out there. And I have tried to be every one of them in an attempt to be the perfect mother. What I have discovered is the perfect mother is the one that does her best to meet her kids’ unique needs. I’m not perfect. I’m more a mix of all the above moms except Sporty Mom. Sporty Mom can suck it.

Rachael is a 38-year-old mom of three who is originally from the suburbs of Chicago but now lives in Brighton.  She enjoys showering without an audience and waiting until her kids are in bed before opening the “good snacks.” She has been married to her husband for 13 years.

Author: Mile High Mamas