Holiday humor: light hangers vs. light distributors
posted by: Christina Antus
When decorating the outside of your house for the holidays, there are two very different, but equally, important roles: Light hangers and light distributors.
The light hanger’s primary responsibility is to hang the lights. The light distributor’s primary responsibility is to feed the line of lights to the Hanger.
Each job requires a huge amount of dependence on the other. Without a light distributor, the hanger is sitting on a ladder two stories up spinning his wheels. Without a light hanger, the distributor is just standing on the lawn with lights hanging from her neck, looking like an idiot.
Additional Responsibilities Include:
Light Distributor: Untangles lights.
Light Hanger: Asks why lights need to be untangled if they were properly wrapped and stored last year.
Light Distributor: Insists they did not pack the lights up last year.
Light Hanger: Asks who did.
Light Distributor: Suggests it was the four-year-old.
Light Hanger: Runs out of staples.
Light Distributor: Gets more staples.
Light Distributor: Finds the single burnt out light in a sea of non-working lights and replaces it.
Light Hanger: Scales the top level of the house and creatively jumps down.
Light Distributor: Reminds the hanger what the ER deductible is on the insurance policy.
Light Hanger: Climbs down from the second story to repair a cut or torn wire.
Light Distributor: Carries the electrical tape. Steps on lights. Replaces crushed lights.
Light Hanger: Encourages the light distributor to toss up the three pound can of moss remover.
Light Distributor: Throws the moss remover on the roof without hitting the light hanger in the forehead.
Light Distributor: Tells the light hanger he is not hanging the lights evenly.
Light Hanger: Reminds the distributor this is not the first year he has done this.
Light Distributor: Asks why we don’t have as many lights as the neighbors.
Light Hanger: Removes moss from the roof in silence.
Light Distributor: Casually mentions how cold they are.
Light Hanger: Looks for distributor to see what they think of the lights.
Light Distributor: Is inside drinking cocoa by the fire.
Christina lives with her husband and three kids in Denver. When she’s not neglecting laundry, or avoiding the grocery store, she’s writing, and making mediocre meals for her family. You can find her overthinking things on Facebook.