Way back in my teenage days, when I lacked any sense of good judgment, I decided I would get a tattoo. At least I had enough wits about me to avoid spiders on my neck or a dedication to the boyfriend of the month – I got a quarter-sized tattoo of Saturn on my right shoulder. Don’t ask me why I picked that. I don’t have a clue. When my mom found out, she angrily said, “If you want to ruin your body, go right ahead.” Little did I know that it almost ruined my life.
Years later, I learned that astrologically, Saturn is not the planet you want guiding you. When you look up Saturn on Google, you find words like “loss” and “hurdles in life” and “misery.” Nifty. And I had it tattooed on my shoulder. That explained everything. The prom when I spilled tomato sauce all over my date’s white tuxedo, the bad haircuts, the boss who invited me to his house for a glass of wine so he could discuss the upcoming layoffs. Suddenly, it all made sense.
The best solution, I figured, was to get a tattoo on my left foot – the opposite part of my body – so I could counteract the bad juju with something powerful and happy and fabulous. But years – decades -went by, and I could never decide what that powerful, happy, fabulous tattoo should be.
Last year, as I was heading home from a night on the town that involved a fair amount of alcohol consumption, I spotted a tattoo shop, and it finally came to me: I would get a dolphin. Trendy, I know, but dolphins and I go way back. About 14 years ago, I swam with dolphins for the first time. When I got in the water, the dolphin instantly got all up in my face and refused to leave my side. As you might know, dolphins operate on sonar, and this one was picking up something from me. The trainer asked if I was pregnant. I didn’t know it at the time, but I was. My first ultrasound was performed by a dolphin.
Two years later, I was on vacation and decided to swim with the dolphins again. The exact same thing happened. For the second time in a row, that’s how I found out I was pregnant.
A dolphin on my foot for my two great kids. Perfect.
Did you know that getting a tattoo on the top of your foot hurts about as much as ripping a limb off without anesthesia? True fact. More importantly, and I hope you’re paying close attention here, did you also know that you should always, and I do mean always, check the actual artwork and make sure you’ve looked at it from various angles BEFORE you get it?
The next morning, I realized that anyone facing me saw a dolphin jumping out of a tiny bit of water. My view, however, was of a penis. A very, very happy penis.
I had not made forward progress.
That’s not to say that having a penis on your foot is without its benefits – for a long time, I was tempted to go into my boss’s office and say, “Now that I have one of these things, can I finally get a raise?”
Why did I keep getting this tattoo thing wrong?
A few weeks ago, I finally went back to the tattoo shop and pointed out my problem. A handful of guys who were inked up and adorned with piercings and those things that make their earlobes giant stood around and stared down at my tattoo before confirming that yes, indeed, there was a penis on my foot. They could cover it up with a new tattoo, they explained, but it would have to be big. Very big.
The first tattoo only took 30 minutes of pain. The new one took two hours. Two excruciating, wriggle around as much as you want, but don’t you dare move your foot hours. No amount of tequila could dull that pain.
In the end, though, the new guy did a great job with the giant tattoo I didn’t really want in the first place – two dolphins, a sun, some artsy water. And now when people comment on it, or even ask me how my day is going, I can honestly say, “At least I don’t have a penis on my foot.”
Ha! Take that Saturn.
Gabrielle is the single mother of an 11-year-old son,13-year-old daughter and an epileptic puppy who is scared of the dark. In her spare time….wait….she has no spare time. She does, however, dream about pedicures, hiring a maid and figuring out what rotten food item is making her car stink.
Author: Mile High Mamas
Amber
Funniest. Post. Ever.
Jana
My husband got a horrible dragon tattoo when he was a teen. Problem is, I’m afraid of dragons but it’s huge and it is taking years to removed.
Sandra
So when I was 15 (yes 15 stupid I know!) I thought it would be a great idea to get a tattoo. My friends and I heard of a tattoo parlor that didn’t really look at id’s and gave you a tattoo anyways. So we piled in the car one day after school and I went and got a sun tattoo’d on my hip bone. At the time it seemed like a good idea because I was 15, I don’t think I realized that tattoos really are forever, I remember waking up the next morning and thinking it was going to wash off in the shower. Needless to say everyone at school thought it was cool, but my mom (when she finally found out about it) freaked.
NatalieJane
I got a tattoo on the outside of my left calf. It is suppose to be my husband, 4 kids and my astrological signs with our birthstone colors. What I got is NOT what I asked for. I asked the tattooist to just shade the birthstone color around the signs, but he thought it would look better this way. I could not disagree with him more! I think it looks like a whacked ladybug! I constantly get asked if it is a ladybug so I have to explain it to people. I have a total of 4 tattoos and still want more. But this is the only one I want to get removed so I can get it done right.