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Holidays / Humor

New Year resolutions: resolving to realistically resolute for 2015

New Year resolutions: resolving to realistically resolute for 2015

I’ve never been good at New Year resolutions because I never follow through. So, an effective resolution for me would be to make a list of things I’ll never get around to doing. Only then would I ever succeed.

This year isn’t different from any other year. Sure, I might have some personal goals I’d love to meet, like keeping my house clean, or not judging the lady in my toddler’s gymnastic class. The one who insists her two-year-old practice the perfect dismount from the uneven bars, while the rest of the kids play on the big trampoline. I suppose when you’re pushing three years of age, the window of Olympic athleticism is closing quickly.

So, in the tradition of not having a tradition of New Years resolutions, here are five resolutions I’m not making this year:

1. Going to the gym
Let’s be honest. I don’t know about you, but for me, the chances of winning the Powerball are way better than me going to the gym. And, I don’t even play the lotto.

2. Losing weight
This was last year’s resolution.

3. Getting organized
I haven’t been organized since the birth of my first child. So, does this mean those baby books are going to be put off for another year? You betcha!

4. Quit smoking
I don’t smoke.

5. Eat Healthy Food
Healthy food is boring.

In the tradition of life, and not having much of a choice, here are five realistic resolutions that I will make this year:

1. Potty training my two-year-old
It’s not that I mind changing diapers. It’s that the stink of poop has become so overbearing the toilet is the only answer. Santa didn’t  bring me a hazmat suit this year.

2. Cooking more often
I don’t like to cook. But, unless I plan on feeding my family star shaped sandwiches made from cookie cutters for the rest of my life, this seems pretty crucial.

3. Perfect play-doh art
My elephants need longer trunks and fatter legs. So I’m told.

4. Do my hair
No one lacks the desire to do anything with their hair more than me. For every minute it takes to make my hair look mostly decent that’s one more minute away from drinking a lukewarm cup of coffee. This year I’ll strive for a new hairstyle besides a ponytail. Like, two ponytails or a very small, mini ponytail just to pull back my bangs. Which I may or may not grow out.

5. Put my cat on a diet
I can locate my cat from Google Earth. Nuff said.

So those are it. I’ll start tomorrow.

Or, maybe the next day.

Maybe next week.

These are good resolutions. I might save them until next year.

Christina lives in Colorado with her husband, three kids and two cats who can’t seem to master the art of litter-boxing. When she’s not writing, she’s neglecting laundry, making mediocre meals for her family and answering the same question 147 times in a single minute. You can find her hiding in the closet and eating candy at: The Mediocre Housewife
Christina Antus
Author: Christina Antus

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  1. My New Year’s resolution: NOT stress about setting New Year’s resolutions. The end.

  2. P.S. Have you seen this post? Best New Year’s resolutions ever for lazy slobs.

  3. #4 is my new resolution. Just the one. I don’t like to make things too unrealistic.

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