Candyland is a real place, and it starts on top of my fridge
posted by: gretchen
The chocolate in most mass-produced candy bars is as waxy and luscious as any pillar or stick at a mall candle store.
Candy corn tastes nothing like corn and it’s debatable whether it is worth bothering with calling itcandy.
Jaw breakers, lollipops, and gumballs are choking hazards.
Sweet tarts, Sprees, and Smarties are little disks of processed cringe, perfect for when you want to experience the feeling of your throat puckering.
And classic Tootsie Rolls? Reminiscent of cough medicine, cat poo, and cement.
I love them all.
Halloween is looming and with it parents find themselves ranting about all the candy that will be in the house. Some kids harvest quite a bit and we are no exception. In fact, with several kids of trick-or-treating age I anticipate at least a dozen pounds of pure evil perched on top of our refrigerator. I like seeing it there, knowing that at any time I can be the proverbial kid in the candy store. I smile when I find an empty candy wrapper in my pocket.
Candy is not evil in ounce form. A piece will not steal the rosy blush from your child’s cheek, nor will a bite cause all his teeth to shatter in unison. A crunch of a Crunch bar will not make them forget yesterday’s math lesson or how to eat a carrot.
I fully admit that when I hear of parents banning sweets and candies from their households, my eyes roll back in my head pretty far. Far enough to see that memory of me sitting at the kitchen table in a homemade Raggedy Ann costume, eating a chocolate bar right before bed on Halloween night. Life was good. I just had a delirious night of walking block after block, fixing my wig made with an old shower cap and red yarn pompoms. The neighbors were kind and enthusiastic. The joy was genuine. The candy was an undeniable treat, a wonder of the universe. It was mine!
Try that with a celery stick.
Life deserves to be celebrated without sourpuss notions that everything not grown in Farmer McRighteous’ manure-laden fields will kill you faster than you can say, “Delicious!”
I am all for steamed green beans and white meat free-range chicken. Bring on the whole grain breads and yogurts bursting with pious bacteria. I’ll fill my children’s tummies to the brim with the good stuff 95% of the time.
But I will not give Halloween candy more importance, mystery, or gravity than it deserves. It isn’t tobacco, alcohol, drugs, firearms, or porn. It is sugar mixed in interesting and legal ways, wrapped in cellophane, dropped in a pillowcase or plastic jack-o-lantern bucket.
Now, go brush your teeth.