Share This Post

Events / fatherhood

A Tale of Two Identities (And Finding Real Importance) – Thoughts from a Full-time At-Home Father

A Tale of Two Identities (And Finding Real Importance) – Thoughts from a Full-time At-Home Father

Before becoming a full-time at-home father I worked for 15 years designing training for Fortune 100 companies. I was never a power player mind you, just a lower level professional (functionary, really) that could be counted on to get the important tasks done right on projects the managing executives described as “enterprise flagship” or “mission critical.” Though I occasionally indulged myself with delusions of importance to these companies and their projects, I certainly never felt I was actually important. In fact, I never felt truly important until four years ago when I found myself unexpectedly out of a job and suddenly in full charge of the day-to-day care of our first child, only a year old at the time.

I had entered fatherhood itself with a great deal of reluctance and reservation, largely due to a family history fraught with biological and psychological pitfalls and problems. Provided that my son managed to avoid the genetic landmines I couldn’t help but bring to his creation, I now worried that he would have a 24/7 front row seat to the behavioral results of childhood trauma that two decades of therapy and medication had yet to substantially resolve. Worries or no, there was this little, wonderful life in front of me with wide, expectant eyes and a grand, joyous potential that needed love and care and that deserved a childhood full of good memories, experiences, and opportunities. After taking a deep cleansing breath and pulling myself up by my own mental bootstraps, I dove in.

Five years on I look back at those early days (months, years) and recount each moment via the boxes of science and art projects and somewhat meandering art collection now lining the walls of our dining room and the space above our kitchen cabinets. We added a daughter to our family just over two years after my transition to at-home fatherhood and she quickly became an integral part of the daily learning and play activities I would sketch out each night before bed. I was fortunate that my daughter came along when she did as it took every moment of those two plus years for me to begin processing the logistics and facets of my new identity.

Though being a teacher to my children came naturally and providing love, hugs, and support flowed easily from my nurturing nature, there was a substantial learning curve vis a vie diapers, dressing, shopping, traveling, playgrounds, and hypervigilance around dangers ranging from stairs to dust bunnies. Fortunately for me I had an extremely supportive wife and the help of a dedicated group of full-time fathers from the National At Home Dads Network (NAHDN), a non-profit organization dedicated to providing support, community, education, and advocacy for fathers who are the primary caregivers to their children.

In fact, one of the earliest examples of my wife’s support for my new life was to send me to the Annual At-Home Dads Convention sponsored by the NAHDN. There I found resources and camaraderie in constructing my new identity and new life focus.

Driving home from that convention I had a revelation. For 15 years I devoted endless hours towards the aforementioned high-profile and seemingly make-or-break projects in corporate America. The atmosphere around them was one of deep urgency and importance, but in every case not even two years after a project no one even remembered it. With my children every day was a building block towards a “project” that would not only be remembered but even cherished for 70, 80, or even 90 years!

I may not have found importance in my “career,” but I did find it in full-time fatherhood . . . as well as my first true and complete understanding of the words “exhaustion” and “joy.”

-Richard Blake

conference

Prospective or practicing at-home father should check out the National At Home Dads Network, follow it on Twitter (#wedad), like it on Facebook, and even attend this year’s At Home Dad Convention in Denver (@huggiesdelivered; #AHDConvention).

Mile High Mamas
Author: Mile High Mamas

Share This Post

Leave a Reply