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Children / Holidays / Humor

A warning to parents everywhere regarding Halloween candy “taxes”

I have some bad news for parents who claim a “candy tax” by taking a portion of their kids’ Halloween candy: THEY ARE ONTO US.

On Saturday night, we went to our church’s Halloween party and my kids came home with bucket loads of treats. For the most part, I let them have at it but started putting on the brakes the next day. After all, they have to save their gluttony for The Main Event on Wednesday.

I made a healthy dinner with the one thing my 8-year-old daughter abhors most: eggs. She usually chokes them down but we are entering the tween moody stage (hurray!) and she suddenly thinks she should have a say.

I don’t know when she started thinking this was a democracy, not a dictatorship.

My husband and I have never forced our kids to eat everything on their plates but usually have a bare minimum. If they choose not to eat, they don’t get any food the rest of the night. Period.

So, I gave her our usual ultimatum that she needed to eat five bites and told her I’d later throw in some candy for good measure. But, she’s a stubborn little miss and declared she’d rather go hungry.

That’s when I pulled out the big guns.

I grabbed her bag of candy and started deliberately and methodically eating it. Steam started erupting from her ears and her temperature rose as fast as a thermometer in boiling water.

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING?” she spewed.

“Taking candy taxes,” I calmly responded. “For every minute you sit here, I’m going to have another piece of candy. Oh, look–Butterfinger. Isn’t that your favorite?”

And then her clincher. “YOU KNOW EATING THAT STUFF IS EXACTLY LIKE…….STEALING!”

Let’s keep her little revelation just between us.

**The featured pictures is 2-year-old Hadley stuffing her face with suckers at her Halloween party. Girl loves her candy.

Amber Johnson
Author: Amber Johnson

Amber is the founder and editor of Mile High Mamas, travel writer and former columnist for The Denver Post. She is a passionate community builder and loves the outdoors. She has two awesome teens and is happily married to a man obsessed with growing The Great Pumpkin.

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Amber is the founder and editor of Mile High Mamas, travel writer and former columnist for The Denver Post. She is a passionate community builder and loves the outdoors. She has two awesome teens and is happily married to a man obsessed with growing The Great Pumpkin.

13 Comments

  1. The secret is safe with me. Too funny. My favorites are anything chocolate, which means the pickins are not slim. Snickers and Hershey are my faves.

  2. Tootsie Rolls. They’r ethe poor man’s candy so we always get a lot!

  3. My favorites are Reece’s, Almond Joy and Swedish Fish.

  4. It’s not stealing in a benevolent dictatorship. She’ll come to understand this one day. That being said, I’ve always collected Candy Taxes in the past, and my daughter has been none the wiser. This year, however, due to my jaw issues, I can’t eat the taxes I collect, so I’ve got a new rule:

    YOU ALL HAVE TO HAND OUT ICE CREAM.

    The End.

  5. LOL–ice cream??? I’m ALL in. 🙂

  6. Kim–I am SOOOO using that.

  7. My husband has been known to exercise the candy “tax” around here. Mostly I appreciate that other parents struggle with getting their kids to eat and sometimes send them to bed without dinner. May have to try eating my kid’s candy to get them to eat their veggies! I’m a candycorn girl and an occasional Twix hits the spot!

  8. Love the Swedish Fish, too!

  9. May as well get used to taxes!

  10. Dori–I think most parents go through mealtime battles. Though I generally try to cook things I know they’ll like, I frequently like to try new things and that’s where we run into trouble. Oh, and eggs for Hadley. Those and veggies are always troublesome. 🙂

  11. I tell the kids when i take some candy it is a mommy tax lol!

  12. Good Training

    1. We required three bites.
    2. Dictatorship – there is always a boss to answer to.
    3. Candy tax prepares them for IRS collections.
    4. Civil Disobedience can have negative repercussions (she have any KitKats or Almond Joy’s?)

  13. I always charge my kid a candy tax lol .. he always says hey thats not fair .. welcome to the real world son.. who do you think paid for the gas, to get you there, the car to drive you there in, the insurance for the car, the house you live in to store your take of candy, and the costume you wore ? and so on .. he then says ok .. but you can only have what I don’t like .. ok .. then you can ride only in the back seat, and only sleep in the bathroom, and all your birthday, christmas money, etc .. is mine lol he thinks about it for a minute.. and hands me the bag and asks that I go easy on him .. I take out 3 pieces for me, 3 for mommy, 3 for each animal, 3 for each teacher, 3 for the homeless . etc etc .. that leaves him with 10 pieces.. lol .. then he looks at me and tears start to well up … just before he starts to cry I hand it all back to him except for my original 3 .. and explain to him that since he has no job and is a full time student, he gets a full refund minus the processing fee .. his mouth hangs open.. and shuts a few times.. grabs the bag and runs.. 2 hours later he asks if I can take him to video game store.. and hands me 3 pieces of candy lol

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