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Children / Humor / Motherhood / Teens/Tweens

Top 10 Things That Smell Better Than Your Teenaged Son’s Body Spray

I don’t know what Santa was thinking. Maybe he had sleigh-lag resulting in a lapse of judgment? He gave our 13-year-old son a gift set featuring a very popular body spray. Our son was bestowed with body wash, deodorant, and spray in a scent called Dark Temptation. He was happy with the gift, but seemed to forget about it until school started after winter break. We had to remind him, a regretful error we will mourn.

On school mornings, he’d emerge from his bedroom lair in the basement smelling of spicy swaggering confidence. At first, he controlled himself and applied the mist sensibly. Over time, however, it seemed like he wrapped himself in it like a mummy bundled in bandages. I began to smell him before I saw him. Opening the basement door meant being pummeled in the face by Dark Temptation. More than one morning, I had the dark temptation to meet him at the top of the stairs with the garden hose outfitted with power sprayer set on 10. You know, the setting that will chip paint off the side of your house.

It worsened when I discovered I was pregnant. First trimester hormones made the spray unbearable. Many mornings were spent driving him to school, retching from the lingering cloud he’d leave behind in the van. Finally, after warnings and pleadings, we took away his body spray and told him he could only use it with supervision, for special occasions, and with the lightest touch. My husband and I kept it in our room. The body spray and our son were grounded from each other. I think one of them may have written a mournful sonnet.

Recently, his middle school held their last dance of the year. He asked if he could use his body spray that night. I said yes, but please, please, please have a lighter touch on the nozzle. He explained the directions were very specific. Dudes are supposed to go around their entire bodies with it in a steady stream. Suddenly, directions were important to him? I suggested spraying it in front of him and then walking through the mist. He countered. The only reason I didn’t appreciate his body spray is because my nose is from “the 70s.”

And I still let him use it.

I am happy to report he didn’t smell like the men’s fragrance department in a run-down Las Vegas department store. He smelled nice, for a teenaged boy. Perhaps he’s learning? With 5 more sons waiting for their turn to explore what it means to be a teenaged fellow, my nose may not survive but it gives me a shred of hope. You may think I’m overreacting, but after long consideration I’ve put together a list which I hope explains the horrors of body spray.

Here are the Top 10 Things that Smell Better Than Teenaged Boy Body Spray:

1. The bloated corpse of a long-beached whale in July
2. Certain areas of the zoo
3. California rest stop bathroom, if you can find one
4. Apple pie
5. Forgotten-behind-the-couch Easter egg
6. Burning tires
7. Puppy breath
8. The first diaper after giving your baby meat
9. That one section of Glenwood Springs on 1-70 where everyone in the car goes silent and looks at each other accusingly
10. Honeysuckle on the vine

If you have little guys in your house, be warned and give Santa a heads-up. Save your nose and your sanity. Give him a bar of Ivory soap and tell him it’s called Mommy’s Special Little Man.

gretchen
Author: gretchen

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12 Comments

  1. Ohhhhh, at least he’s erring on the side of using too much and not at all, right? 🙂 I so remember when my little brother went through this. I’m bracing myself for when my son does. 🙂 HILARIOUS!

  2. Thank you for such a grin-inducing way to start my day! Ugh that body spray stuff is horrendous. Mix it with an unwashed hair child, and we’ve all been there.

  3. LOL….I laughed so hard reading this!!!! I have three of these body spray users at my house….that, mixed with two teenage girls and their fruity lotions…. lol

  4. My husband manages to do this with blue or black by Ralph Lauren…. Not cool when pregnant.

  5. Hilarious, I remember making mine take it outside to spray it, hand me the can inside, then leave for school without coming back in the house. Terrible stuff!

  6. Your nose is from the 70s. Ha! I love this post!

  7. Yes. And Amen.

  8. oh the sinus burn! It HURTS!!!

  9. I’d like to read that sonnet. Wait. A great name for a teenaged girl’s body spray. I’m thinking they may want to rename Axe to Restraint. As in, show some. Too funny. Thank you. Now I feel a sneeze coming on.

  10. ROFLMAO! My son (17) has been “addicted” to Axe for several years now. OMG – somedays I really cannot decide if I would rather have the BO or the Axe!

  11. Hahaha…funny, I don’t mind the teenage body spray. It is better than sweaty, smelly boys coming over after every game, soaking into the furniture to watch the lacrosse video I just recorded of them. Talk about not being able to breathe. I choose body spray scent over dead, rotting, decay stench any day.

  12. I loved this so much! My seventeen year old son thinks that body spray cancels out the necessity of washing one’s school uniforms. He believes that if you saturate yourself with enough spray, nobody will notice that you are wearing your uniform shirt for the fifth time without laundering, and that in between wearings its home alternates between the basement stairway, the basement floor, and the foot of your bed… I have had to tell him that I will not give him a ride to school until he washes his laundry at least twenty times this school year. Maybe the manufacturer of the spay could add a note to the “instructions” about applying to a CLEAN body wearing CLEAN clothes…

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