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The Curse of Cinderella…and other satanic princesses

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As I’ve watched my two-year-old daughter transform into a three-year-old, the true nature of women has finally been revealed to me. Decades of prior research on the topic have been rendered moot. And as is the case with most enigmas, this revelation turns out to be quite elementary.

As young boys, sure we are exposed to such demons as Cinderella, Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, et al. Later reincarnations of these little devils include the likes of Jasmine, Belle, and Ariel, the most evil of them all. We, the male species, are aware of these characters. We are casually familiar with their tales. But our familiarity is merely cursory. For it’s not until we procreate daughters do we truly get to peer into the eyes of the beast. And it is at that moment that we receive a true level of clarity regarding women and how they have developed into the beings we know today.

Let me explain.

For two years now I have been watching these movies with my daughters, reading these books to them over and over and over and over. Witnessing my girls morph into these very same characters with the aid of $50 costumes courtesy of Satan himself: Walt Disney. If you have ever stood in awe at the absolute drama that plays out with women regarding men, at their constant disappointment in us, at the never-ending nagging, at the unrealistic expectations levied upon us, at the massive nightmare that is created when mother and daughter converge to plan our weddings look no further than our own daughter’s cherished childhoods for the source of our pain.

Go ahead. Read some of these evil scriptures. Watch some of these propaganda reels. Study them. And learn how, from day one, our women are brainwashed into one truth: THE PURPOSE OF LIFE IS TO WAIT PATIENTLY FOR OUR PRINCES TO FIND US AND FALL IN LOVE WITH US AND TAKE US TO THE CASTLE HAPPILY EVER AFTER FOR EVER AND EVER AMEN.

So Joe-the-plumber, Al-the-security-guard, Randy-the-human-resources-administrator, and even Kyle-the-successful-Wall-Street-guy-but-still-not-a-prince: you are all 100%, unequivocally, hopelessly and permanently screwed.

As of the writing of these findings, there is yet no cure. No priests capable of the needed exorcisms. No salvation for MAN-kind. And due to this hopelessness, we will continue to disappoint our PRINCESSES-IN-WAITING. And know that as you walk through the Mall, hand-in-hand, and seemingly content, the real truth is that subconsciously your princess is gazing around the corner for PRINCE CHARMING, or PRINCE ERIC (Eric? Really? Is that the best we could do? ERIC?), or BEAST (obviously post transformation into Fabio’s cousin). Our women secretly yearn for one of these perfect specimens to save them from the hairy, underemployed, beer-bellied, slouch (you and me) that has imprisoned her in the tower. Basically, we are Shrek. And in real life, Princess Fiona may claim to fall in love with us. But we all know that S.O.B., Charming, is always lurking nearby.

My final proof occurred this morning as my THREE was watching Cinderella: the getaway scene. The coach turns into the pumpkin. The beautiful dress turns back to rags. The stallions back to mice. And my precious daughter exclaims, “Oh no, now she’s not in love anymore.” And my wife turns to her with a gleam and distant hope in her eyes, and calmly soothes her fears, “Oh sweetie, don’t worry. She’s still in love.”

Mitch McDad lives in Denver with his wife and two princess-loving girls.

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Comments
  • comment avatar Amber Johnson September 20, 2007

    Ahhhh, c’mon! I was a huuuuge Cinderella/princess fan and I still married my prince: Jamie the Computer Geek…errr…Hunk. 🙂

  • comment avatar Kari September 20, 2007

    I love your wife’s response. Maybe in a world of Satanic princesses your girls may have hope after all!

  • comment avatar Angela September 20, 2007

    After dumping a minor fortune at Disneyland last year, I now know the truth: Walt = Satan.

  • comment avatar babs September 20, 2007

    Ah – see you have read way too much into the princes. All a girl really wants from a man in the early days is that they don’t watch football in their underwear and that they don’t fart in bed. Happily ever after – it comes from watching a man become a wonderful father.

  • comment avatar Shawna September 20, 2007

    Ariel is one princess I like, she saves her man a couple of times. Sleeping Beauty does nothing but sleep. I didn’t know the princesses were hard on men too.

  • comment avatar Lizzy September 21, 2007

    Myself, I always liked Beast the best and hated that he had to change back. I also always root for the Phantom. For some reason this wasn’t a good thing to admit to my husband… go figure.

  • comment avatar Melanie September 21, 2007

    Nice post. I agree whole heartedly. I have a number of girlfriends who are looking for that perfect guy – charming, rich, handsome and falls instantly in love at first sight. I never would have suspected the princesses were the problem.

    I have a 5 month old daughter and started reading some of these princess fairy tales to her. I was very disturb about how every story has the princess just hanging around being pretty waiting for a man to come along so she can be happy. With your perspective, I am even more disturbed, since Prince Charming is a myth and millions of little girls are trained to wait for him.

  • comment avatar Horoscopically Blonde September 21, 2007

    I’m partial to Fabio myself.

  • comment avatar Angelica September 26, 2007

    Wow! What an eye opener. It is so great to hear a man’s perspective on things like this. I feel like I need to be a lot less critical of my hubby, for sure. Men need to share things like this with us, otherwise we never know. Thanks!

  • comment avatar JoAnn September 27, 2010

    If it makes you feel any better, I wasn’t into Princesses growing up. MY princes were Bo and Luke Duke. My penalty for this sin, of course, has come in the form of Princess Claire, my 4yr old. 😉

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