The Curse of Cinderella…and other satanic princesses
posted by: Mitch
As I’ve watched my two-year-old daughter transform into a three-year-old, the true nature of women has finally been revealed to me. Decades of prior research on the topic have been rendered moot. And as is the case with most enigmas, this revelation turns out to be quite elementary.
As young boys, sure we are exposed to such demons as Cinderella, Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, et al. Later reincarnations of these little devils include the likes of Jasmine, Belle, and Ariel, the most evil of them all. We, the male species, are aware of these characters. We are casually familiar with their tales. But our familiarity is merely cursory. For it’s not until we procreate daughters do we truly get to peer into the eyes of the beast. And it is at that moment that we receive a true level of clarity regarding women and how they have developed into the beings we know today.
Let me explain.
For two years now I have been watching these movies with my daughters, reading these books to them over and over and over and over. Witnessing my girls morph into these very same characters with the aid of $50 costumes courtesy of Satan himself: Walt Disney. If you have ever stood in awe at the absolute drama that plays out with women regarding men, at their constant disappointment in us, at the never-ending nagging, at the unrealistic expectations levied upon us, at the massive nightmare that is created when mother and daughter converge to plan our weddings look no further than our own daughter’s cherished childhoods for the source of our pain.
Go ahead. Read some of these evil scriptures. Watch some of these propaganda reels. Study them. And learn how, from day one, our women are brainwashed into one truth: THE PURPOSE OF LIFE IS TO WAIT PATIENTLY FOR OUR PRINCES TO FIND US AND FALL IN LOVE WITH US AND TAKE US TO THE CASTLE HAPPILY EVER AFTER FOR EVER AND EVER AMEN.
So Joe-the-plumber, Al-the-security-guard, Randy-the-human-resources-administrator, and even Kyle-the-successful-Wall-Street-guy-but-still-not-a-prince: you are all 100%, unequivocally, hopelessly and permanently screwed.
As of the writing of these findings, there is yet no cure. No priests capable of the needed exorcisms. No salvation for MAN-kind. And due to this hopelessness, we will continue to disappoint our PRINCESSES-IN-WAITING. And know that as you walk through the Mall, hand-in-hand, and seemingly content, the real truth is that subconsciously your princess is gazing around the corner for PRINCE CHARMING, or PRINCE ERIC (Eric? Really? Is that the best we could do? ERIC?), or BEAST (obviously post transformation into Fabio’s cousin). Our women secretly yearn for one of these perfect specimens to save them from the hairy, underemployed, beer-bellied, slouch (you and me) that has imprisoned her in the tower. Basically, we are Shrek. And in real life, Princess Fiona may claim to fall in love with us. But we all know that S.O.B., Charming, is always lurking nearby.
My final proof occurred this morning as my THREE was watching Cinderella: the getaway scene. The coach turns into the pumpkin. The beautiful dress turns back to rags. The stallions back to mice. And my precious daughter exclaims, “Oh no, now she’s not in love anymore.” And my wife turns to her with a gleam and distant hope in her eyes, and calmly soothes her fears, “Oh sweetie, don’t worry. She’s still in love.”
Mitch McDad lives in Denver with his wife and two princess-loving girls.