As soon as March rolls around, we’re ready for spring. Yes, the weather is pretty mild here in the Denver area. (Those residents who didn’t do hard time in the brutal winters of the Midwest think it’s actually cold here, but we know differently.) Even with all the sunshine we get here in Colorado, as soon as spring is on its way, we get antsy. One way to deal with this is to start up our swimming lessons again.
I’ve been taking Claire swimming since she was 6-months old. As a child, I was terrified of the water. My mom forced me to take swim lessons, and it was one of the best things she could have done. I remember being so afraid of the water, but I can look back at it from a place of confidence. My heart goes out to those little kids who scream on the side of the pool or cling to their swim teacher’s neck with the monkey-strength of ten men.
I used to be there.
I know what it’s like.
Oh, my poor swim teachers…
I thought we were pretty lucky with Claire. Since taking her since she was 6-months old, she has no problems getting her face wet. She’ll jump in to me. She’d float on her tummy and back with my help, and she was making great strides in doing it unassisted. She’s not there yet, but it’s just a matter of time.
Last year’s swim lessons went really well. The day she got her certificate passing her on to the next class was a big day for her.
I knew we’d have to take a break in the swimming lessons, because things get so busy around here. We went on a 12-day Road Trip. We had entirely too much fun this summer. We started school and got into a Ballet Class routine. I couldn’t believe how quickly time flew, but I realized that it’s been about a year since we did swim lessons.
I signed her up, and we were back into the swing of things.
This year started out great. The first couple classes went well…and then something happened.
All of a sudden my little fish was full of fear. She didn’t want to jump in. She couldn’t relax to do the back float. She’d cling to the teacher or physically resist jumping into the pool. This was not like her at all!
After the class was over, I tried to talk to her about it. “I’ll fall to the bottom and drown!” she cried. “I’ll fall under the water and sink to the bottom!” I tried and tried to figure out where she’d heard this, but to no avail.
On one hand, I don’t want her to have no fear of the water. I don’t want her jumping in if someone isn’t watching. But, if someone is, I want her to be confident.
Getting ready for the next class was brutal. She fought me. She cried. I tried my best to be firm yet address her fears. It was not a good day. We got there with enough time to practice before hand, and I got her calm. But, as soon as the class started, the fear took over. My little girl who used to volunteer to jump in first was scared to jump in at all. The moment she burst into tears on the side, my heart broke into a million pieces. This was just not like her, and it conjured up my own fears and how hard it was to get over them.
Another little boy in Claire’s class had the same reaction. I started talking to his parents, and that’s when we discovered that he had been telling them similar stories about falling under the water and drowning. Something had happened in that last class, and both Claire and this other little boy had heard it…and the damage was done.
This particular class was a disaster. Claire cried and my heart ached. She eventually did all the teacher asked her to, but it took a lot of coaxing, a lot of tears, and physically pulling her into the pool. I wanted to take away her fear, the memories of my own fear stinging my eyes. I vacillated between wanting to hold her close and rock away her fears or throw her in the pool to get her to snap out of it.
Afterward, I talked to her teacher. I told her what Claire had said, and she said she knew that the other little boy had the same fears. She agreed that something had happened to set them off, but she was at a loss as to what that was. She said she’d do what she could to work through this. I felt better bringing it to her attention, and knew that the next class would be what it would be. It would either go well or it wouldn’t.
And here’s the thing: After class, both Claire and her little friend had no qualms playing in the pool. The fear wasn’t the water, it was the class.
Sunday night, we prepared for Monday’s class. We talked about how it’s okay to be afraid. We talked about how no one (me or the teacher) would let anything bad happen to her. We talked about how it’s okay to not like swimming lessons…but you have to do it. Then I let her in on a little secret: The best way to not be afraid was to pretend not to be afraid. When you pretend to be brave, you really are being brave, and no one knows that you’re faking it.
Monday morning, I got her to admit that she did like playing at the pool. So, like any good parent, I used that to my advantage. IF she refused to do what the swimming teacher told her to do, and IF she caused a scene in swimming lessons, we were done for the day when the lessons were over and wouldn’t play in the pool afterward.
This time? My little fish was back. She volunteered to jump in first. She was a little hesitant at times, but she didn’t cry and she did it anyway.
She pretended to be brave, and I couldn’t even tell the difference.
How do you help your child face a fear?
Author: JoAnn
Kristen Race
JoAnn,
That is some heart-wrenching stuff. For a while, I couldn’t even go to my child’s swim lessons–I made my husband go. I love that you tackled this problem with reason, got her fully engaged, and did it at a time when the conflict (the swim lesson) was not present.
You ask how we help our children face a fear, and I think a key is to avoid the desire to rescue them. Instead, as you did, the solution that is best is to get them involved in the problem solving. Kids are so resilient, and yours showed that by empowering them with discussion and collaboration, they can overcome many fears and obstacles!
Kristen
http://www.twitter.com/smartdreamzzz
JoAnn
Kristen, thanks for your comment! The urge to “rescue” our children is so strong; isn’t it!?
Every child is different, but I knew I was on the right track when she was so happy at the end of the lesson, and said, “I DID IT! Momma, I was SO AFRAID, but I pretended to be brave! AND I DID IT!”
How many times do we do things we need to do and pretend to be brave? I do that more than I care to admit out loud. 😉
Joanna
Well done! I’m so proud of both of you. 🙂
JoAnn
Thanks, Joanna! I kept thinking about how “the only thing we have to fear is fear itself” and how fearing my child’s fear is a powerful force, too. But, I pretended not to fear them, and she couldn’t tell the difference either. 😉
Gretchen White
I think you handled it beautifully.
I had a severe fear of water as a child, thanks to a swim teacher who dunked me. I was 4, like Claire, and remember it vividly. It was very hard to trust swim teachers after that. A few years later, ANOTHER swim teacher carried me to the top of the high dive and jumped off with me in his arms. I screamed. He wouldn’t stop.
It’s so easy for adults to shatter a child’s trust, either via outright cruelty or even a subtle, overheard, off-hand remark.
Parents must undo the damage. Unfortunately, my experiences led me to have a lifelong fear of water. To this day, I am a rotten swimmer.
JoAnn
Oh, Gretchen! My heart goes out to you! I don’t remember what caused my fear of the water…I just remember being TERRIFIED. It took YEARS, but I finally got over it. I had a really good teacher who finally helped me conquer it. I’ll never forget her.
As for what happened in Claire’s class, I don’t think we’ll ever know. Whatever it was derailed more than one kid, and I just HOPE we’re able to continue to make steps forward.
Amber's Crazy Bloggin' Canuck
The weather in Denver is “pretty mild?”
TRY BLAZING HOT.
That is all. 🙂
Oh, and I think you handled it beautifully.
JoAnn
Amber, people actually think it’s COLD here, and that we get too much snow. I know! I can’t convince them differently either… 😉
Lori
Wow, you do a great job.
It is a fine line to respect their fear and also to not let it take root.
Well done.
P.S. I had deep water fears AND skiing fears.
P.P.S. Amber, COLD!! October – April anyway.
July is comfortable.
JoAnn
Thanks, Lori! I totally agree with you on the skiing part…and the July part. July *is* comfortable. 😉
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Lisa
My boys have taken weekly swim lessons for about five years. They are fabulous swimmers now, but both went through that phase of being afraid they would sink to the bottom and at the same age that Claire is. Curious. I wonder what cognitive piece falls into place at that age that allows them to realize that danger?
We were fortunate to have supportive and understanding teachers and, like you, did a lot of pre-teaching before class to find our courage.
We had a little song we used to listen to and sing that’s chorus was “Don’t worry/ about a thing/ cause every little thing/ is gonna be alright.” The boys still join in when I start singing during those anxious moments that arise.
Congratulations to you and Claire for facing your fears and discovering that you could do what you thought you could not.
Susan
JoAnn – Your story sounds so familiar to me. I was also terrified of the water, and like Gretchen, I had a swim teacher that dunked me, even while my mouth was open and screaming from fear. I have worked my entire life to overcome the youth swim lessons and be comfortable in the water. And even though I enjoy swimming and playing at the pool, I’m not a strong swimmer and still have my fear.
That said, I’ve been on a mission to get my daughters comfortable and strong in the water. My oldest started out as a fish and loved it, until she had a swim instructor who took her out of her comfort zone, scared her, and it took years for her to get back in the groove of swim lessons. At 8, she swims ok, but has already informed me she does not want to do lessons over the summer. I’m still working with her to overcome her fears and build strengths but it is so hard.
You’ve handled your little fish’s fears beautifully. I hope she continues to love the water. I think a huge key is finding the right instructor and having them feel safe in the water.