My Eno n Me
posted by: Guest Blogger
Warning…if you’re male and/or get the heebies hearing words like, “uterus, ovulation, period or stirrups,” you might want to forgo reading this post. I’m going to attempt to tackle the popular question, “Why can’t you get prego and what lead you to adoption?” Bear with me.
(stock photo by lusi)
I was at the fertility doc last week. Not for fertility treatment…just for a yearly check up on the state of my uterus and its surrounding neighbors. That office and I struggle with a balance of deep fondness and complete repulsion. Part of me wants to sit there all day, just to be surrounded with other women whose everyday reality includes laporoscopies, mysterious bloody masses, hysterosalpingograms, IVF as the only means to getting knocked up, endo, calculated ovulation relations schedule….you get the drift. Many of these women walk out with tears welling up, some just look empty and defeated, some are super hopeful and others are rejoicing that their little swimmers and femaleness finally clicked into a little bean. Whatever the case, I get it and I find overwhelming peace in the fact that they get it too.
On the other hand, I hate that place. Because when they close the exam room door and it’s just me, my quirky doctor and the stirrups, the ugly truth comes out. And it doesn’t change year to year. It’s not the infertility issue that gets me. I’m past that, most days. My ugly truth lies in my body being a jumbled version of what it should be. Like I said earlier, I’m frequently asked why I can’t get pregnant. Why we chose adoption. And it’s a long story -a beautiful, long story, but long none-the-less. I’m going to attempt to explain it in a not so long way.
I have endometriosis. It’s actually much more common in women than most people would guess, but not everyone’s bodies revolt as a result of the disease. Mine does. When I get my period, rather than exiting my body like good blood should, my blood escapes and forms little parties (clots) around my organs. My endo has attached to my intestines, causing lots of irritable bowel issues, to my fallopian tubes, causing my hubbie’s little swimmers to get stuck and not able to get through to the promise land, to my urinary tract, resulting in UTIs, and most recently, it chose to call my appendix home, resulting in the removal of that useless mass of tissue.
My freshman year of college I had surgery (laporoscopy #1) to see if I had endometriosis. I had nauseous crampage that would keep me out of school, so they wanted to test the waters and unfortunately, surgery is the only way they can diagnose endo. I was just a phase 1, which is the best phase to be if you’re going to have the endo curse. They scraped out the masses of blood, gave me 3 months worth of injections that put me through menopause and left me on constant birth control. Meaning, no periods. If I get my period, the disease can come right back. Side note, menopause is NOT for sissies. I started dating my husband that first month and God bless him for sticking with me. If I wasn’t sweating buckets in the middle of Freshman history class during a Michigan winter, I was emotional and crying. But we survived.
After 2 years of fertility treatments and 3 years of unsuccessfully trying to get prego, I had laporoscopy #2. Just to see what was going on in there, if anything. I had only been off the pill for 3 years, so they didn’t think it would be too bad. Wrong answer. I was a Phase 4. The worst case my doc had ever seen. Really? Had he asked my permission, he told Tim he would have done a hysterectomy. Glad he didn’t. They took out my appendix, removed countless blood congregations and sent me home, drugged and drooling. But endo free.
We adopted our dude a few months later and I went back on constant birth control. The bad news, bc is no longer my miracle option. My body is so insistent on getting periods that it’s starting to release the flow every month, regardless of the little pills I take religiously. This is problematic because of the nauseating crampage I get and because the endo could be coming back. Solution? I wish there was a good one. As my doc says, “I don’t want to sound like a beotch, but you WILL have a complete hysterectomy before you’re 40. This endo wants you and it wants you bad. I hate this disease and I hate what it does to my patients!” So, that’s the long term solution. Until then, I deal. It is what it is. Nothing to do but love and accept my endo and talk behind its back like I’m doing right now. What’s it gonna do, take away my fertility? Hah hah. I love this obnoxious disease because it gave me my dude and my life, really. And I hate it because I can. Gosh darnit, I can.
So that’s the long and short of why we can’t get prego. I can’t stay off the pill long enough to really give it a good try. And we’re not going down the IVF trail. Got close to that and it was definitely the worst 2 years of our lives. And it’s just as much financially, if not more, as adoption – how could we spend that much and probably not even get pregnant when we could end up with another little adoption miracle? And so we adopt. Rather, we wait to adopt. Yes, still waiting to wait. No movement on the fingerprint issue. The FBI hasn’t budged. Imagine that.
Guest Blogger Gwen is expecting…for the second time. And once again, no baby bump or stretch-marks will grace her with their pending bambino. Step inside their world of growing a family through adoption. Follow along here at Mile High Mamas and her blog and get a candid feel for the ups, downs, highs, lows and surprises that go hand in hand with the struggles of infertility and the miracle of adoption.