Dear Mama Drama:
My son is always asking me “why?” when I ask him to do something. I get very frustrated with his constant questioning of my authority. We often end up in arguments and power struggles because of the constant “why, why, why?”
I have friends whose children do not question them at every turn and I don’t know what I am doing wrong. I really just want my son to do what I’m asking and not question me.
~Tired of the questioning
Dear Tired:
Having your child question your directions can feel like your authority is being threatened. Parents often take this personally and respond with anger and indignation to this perceived slight. It is important, however, to remember that “why” is not always a challenging question. “Why” is also an information question.
Children are naturally curious and are interested in how things work and why we do what we do. If they don’t understand why they have to do something, it is typical for them to ask.
When your son asks you why, try explaining briefly why you need him to do whatever it is you have asked. For example, when you ask your son to wash his hands before dinner and he asks why, tell him, “We wash hands to get the germs off. This helps us to stay healthy.” Often this explanation is enough to satisfy his need for information and then he will follow the direction. If he is very curious, he may have additional questions. To keep him on track say, “I’ll be glad to answer more questions when your hands are clean.”
Sometimes your son may be asking a challenging “why” question. In this case it is important to remain calm and not take the question as a personal affront. You can treat the question as informational and answer with the facts as above. This in itself can help to keep you calm. If he continues to challenge you, set limits about completed the task asked.
For example with the hand washing situation, you could calmly say, “You are welcome to join us for dinner when your hands are clean.” Repeat this phrase as needed. Then be sure to follow through, refraining from nagging or threatening him. Have the rest of the family go ahead and eat as planned. He may join you or not. If he does, thank him for washing his hands and joining you for dinner. If not, he’ll probably be hungry later. With empathy and kindness you can respond, “I’m so sorry you are hungry. Breakfast will be available at 7 tomorrow morning for people whose hands are clean.” He may be stunned or angry by this response, but remain calm and empathetic. Following through and staying out of the power struggle with be the most effective way to change his behavior.
Motherhood is an amazing journey that can have its share of Mama Drama. The Mama Drama column runs on Fridays with everyday mothering questions from readers and answers providing strategies to tackle these daily challenges. Send your questions and challenges to [email protected], and your Mama Drama could be in next week’s column! All emails and identifying information will remain confidential.
Author: Lisa Vratny-Smith
Linda
I think it is important to teach kids to do as they are told first – immediately- and then answer the “why”s. If you are talking about washing hands, you have plenty of time over dinner to explain about germs. However, if you have set a standard of explaining everything to your child before they obey, then there are issues with safety. There have been many times with my 4 children where they needed to do as I said-immediately- and I could explain afterwards, for example needing them to get out of the street when a car comes speeding toward them. Since kids don’t know the difference between the two, you have to set a pattern of do first, explain second-
Lisa Vratny-Smith
Thanks for sharing your perspective, Linda. I agree that we don’t want kids asking why about everything, but I also believe it is important to honor them by letting them know why they need to do some things and why it is important to us.
In regards to the urgent or emergency situations, you are right that we need our children to respond immediately without question. However, my years of experience as a parent and in schools have shown me that children are quite adept at discerning the different tone in the voice of an adult trying to keep them from danger.