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All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth a vasectomy

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Warning to men everywhere: this post’s contents will make you extremely uncomfortable. Proceed with caution.

My husband Jamie underwent the “snip-snip” on Friday. We have two beautiful kids and had always planned to have three so did not take this decision lightly. But after a couple of failed attempts at getting pregnant and much prayer, we knew we were done. We both feel strongly we are to bring another child into our home under circumstances other than giving birth.

Can’t say I’ll miss it one bit.

Jamie sent me an email when he scheduled a consultation with the doctor and said “what a great sacrifice” this was for him.

I get it. Messing with Man’s Most Prized Possession is bound to cause extreme angst. But men somehow forget the 40 weeks of misery we undergo, only to be rewarded by pushing out a screaming watermelon. Follow that up with sleepless nights, exploding boobs and Jekll and Hyde hormones. Then, multiply that by multiple children.

I think it’s safe to say women have the far worse deal.

I would liken a vasectomy unto maybe 1 or 2 contractions.

When I explained this to Jamie, he agreed but asserted, “Yes, but you get a beautiful baby out of everything. I don’t get anything.”

And that is exactly why we’re doing it.

The night prior to the procedure, the phone rang and Jamie picked it up.

“Who was that, Jamie?”
“The doctor’s office reminding me about my appointment. Like a guy could forget something like that.”

The next day, I was the supportive wife and hung out in the waiting room. A mere half an hour later, he was done. I received the royal summons to go see him.

Not to belabor my point but did I mention the 13,440 hours of pregnancy I endured?

The nurse explained that tenderness and mild swelling are not unusual. Men are still considered fertile until two specimens have been evaluated, the first is to be brought in six weeks following the vasectomy. In order to flush out the old sperm, the man needs to have 15 err…”cleansing sessions” prior.

When the nurse told Jamie that, he asked “Can I get a doctor’s note about that for my wife?”

I’m guessing that’s all Jamie wants for Christmas.

How do you know if you’re done having children?

Amber Johnson
Author: Amber Johnson

Amber is the founder and editor of Mile High Mamas, travel writer and former columnist for The Denver Post. She is a passionate community builder and loves the outdoors. She has two awesome teens and is happily married to a man obsessed with growing The Great Pumpkin.

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  • comment avatar Lisa December 14, 2009

    Ha, ha! That’s hilarious. I remember thinking some of the exact same things when my hubby underwent his, ahem, ‘procedure.’ A half an hour? No scalpel? No pain? No needle? Are you kidding me?! That’s it; after all the pain I had to go through, he only had a half and hour and an afternoon of sitting with a bag of peas on his lap?! I got out my steel toed boots and kicked him in his special place for 4 hours…then I considered us even. Yup…

  • comment avatar yvonne December 14, 2009

    You are too funny, amber. Gee, I wonder how many men know about “the 15 cleansing sessions”–I think they would be lining up to get the snip-snip ; )

    How do you know when you’re done–I think you just know.

  • comment avatar Kimberly December 14, 2009

    Since Claira arrived I’ve been wondering if we’re done. I knew after our first two that we weren’t done but I don’t have that feeling this time. Hmmm…

    Hope he heals well and quickly and that the, ahem, cleansing…goes well!

  • comment avatar Amber Johnson December 14, 2009

    LOL–thanks ladies! Glad to hear I’m not alone!

  • comment avatar Joy Opp December 14, 2009

    We knew we were done trying after we lost our second baby at 22 weeks. We talked about all the options and met with my OB who encouraged us to consider Esure. This is an amazing proceedure that the woman has that is hardly more uncomfortable than the annual exam and has NO down time! They put a device in the tubes that permantly seals them off. It’s not an IUD and has no hormonal effects. Honestly, I hated to think about the pain of a vasectomy when I could have this done and I am so glad we did it! Painless, quick, permenant, no worries, no side effects…

    Ladies, men are big ol’ babies when it comes to discomfort and particulary when that discomfort includes thier man area!

  • comment avatar JoAnn December 14, 2009

    We are on the Only Child Plan.

    We are really happy with just one child. (For years, we never wanted kids at all. It wasn’t until we’d both reached our 30s that we decided to have one…and only one.) We knew before I got pregnant that we only wanted to do this once. Unfortunately, my first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage. They couldn’t find a “reason,” it was just something that happened. We decided to try again, and unbelievably, got pregnant right away and had no complications at all.

    I was afraid that once Claire grew out of the baby stage that I’d want another one. Luckily, that never happened. I LOVED her baby stage. She was a super-easy baby. She slept through the night early on. She breastfed like a champ for 13 months (my goal was 12 months with an extra to wean). I can count on one hand the number of times she spit up.

    Truth? I’m not sure what I’d do with a “real” baby. πŸ˜‰

    Now that Claire is 4yrs old, the mobility and freedom we have is intoxicating. I look around at our family of three, and I know that we’re all here. I can’t imagine changing our family dynamic. The birth control we use is good for 5yr stretches. Next year, we’ll start another one of those 5yr stretches, and then after that, we’ll look at more permanent measures. [To Joy Opp: I have a friend who went the Essure route, and speaks very highly of it!]

    For us, one was the goal, and one is enough. πŸ™‚

  • comment avatar Amber's Crazy Bloggin' Canuck December 14, 2009

    How is it I’ve never even heard of Esure? Oh well. Too late now. πŸ™‚

  • comment avatar [email protected] December 14, 2009

    Thanks to your post, I promptly did the math. 4 kids = 26,880 hours of pregnancy and STILL no vasectomy. Friggin’ men.

  • comment avatar Amber Johnson December 14, 2009

    Garth OWES YOU!!!!!

    And I think we should all calculate how many hours we were pregnant. πŸ™‚

  • comment avatar Lauren in GA December 14, 2009

    Cleansing session, eh? That is the Christmas gift that keeps on giving…

    For Jaime, anyway πŸ˜‰

  • comment avatar Lori in Denver December 14, 2009

    Score one for infertility!

    How do you wrap a “cleansing session”?

  • comment avatar Noelle December 14, 2009

    Haha … Greg keeps saying he’s going to make his appointment, but … Maybe we should look into essure – I never heard of it before.

  • comment avatar HeadNurse December 14, 2009

    My husband had the dr visit- because really- that is all it amounted to- on Friday afternoon. He played in a hockey game monday night. Um-no point even trying to say there is anything to tally- he agrees. I was happy to be able to put shoes on my swollen feet in twice that time- No contest. I wasn’t totally sure we were done- so I was kind of sad (we had suffered with secondary infertility for 8 years- then had three kids in four years) but I ended up with a hysterectomy a year later and when they tested “to be sure” I wasn’t pregnant before surgery, I was beyond relieved when they said it was negative- guess that is how you know your true feelings πŸ™‚

  • comment avatar Amber Johnson December 14, 2009

    Wow, that’s a really impressive recovery. Jamie’s still limping around a few days later. πŸ™‚

  • comment avatar serf 'rett December 14, 2009

    I am so not sure what is appropriate to send for such an…ummm…event. Is there any such thing as a combination Get Well Soon – Celebration – Happy Holiday’s – Thinking of Your Recent Loss card?

    We were through when I fainted during our third delivery! DO NOT ASK!

  • comment avatar serf 'rett December 14, 2009

    Limping means no cleansing sessions, right?

  • comment avatar Lynn @ human, being December 14, 2009

    My husband had the big V 12 years ago, and didn’t look back. For about 2 weeks after my niece was born, I felt wistful about having another baby (mine’s 8 and a half now). Then I babysat, and OH YEAH, nevermind.

    I didn’t intend on becoming a mother in the first place. My daughter is a huge blessing and I love her to death. But I figure by having just one, I’m balancing out the Jon & Kates of the world. So I am one and done. Well, + 1 stepson.

  • comment avatar Liz December 14, 2009

    WHAT? I can’t believe you didn’t go in with him! I was right there next to my husband holding his hand and chuckling under my breath at every squirm and squeak he made. Hey, he was right there with me and I wasn’t going to miss it.

  • comment avatar Laughing Yoga Mama December 14, 2009

    As soon as my youngest was born we knew we were done. Literally the moment he was born we felt complete as a family and made the decision. I also like the idea of being able to get a hand on each of them when needed with no one running circles around me.

    I do have to say that I loved being pregnant. I occasionally become wistful about being pregnant and nursing with my snuggly baby boys, but have no desire to be up all night with a newborn anymore. I get my baby fixes in with friends and relatives and that is enough for me.

    Even though we knew we were done, it took five years for that to become final. I decided I’d had my turn, so it was someone else’s – hint, hint – for that event. πŸ™‚ I’m the drama queen in our family, so there was very little fanfare or fussing.

    Love your description of the process, Amber. Too funny!

  • comment avatar MommyTime December 16, 2009

    For Lori in Denver: I’m pretty sure you wrap a “cleansing session” in a good old fashioned latex wrapper — that is, unless you want the cleansing sessions to lead to baby #3. Whether you add a bow, Amber, is completely up to you. πŸ˜‰