Mama Drama: Water Worries and Siblings~Friends or Enemies?

Dear Mama Drama:

My three year old has been taking swimming lessons every week for the past year. Since he transitioned from mom and baby classes he has struggled with separation anxiety. Even though I’m right near the side of the pool, he screams and cries. We have tried having me outside of the pool area and that was even worse. Some people have suggested I use a tough love approach, but I’m not comfortable with that.

How can I help him adjust?

~Swimming for answers

Dear Swimming:

Many children struggle with separating from their parents, especially in situations where they may feel uncertain or unsafe. While your son has been swimming for a while, it sounds like he doesn’t feel safe in the water on his own. It may be more of an anxiety about the water than separating from you.

Children often do not realize that the instructor’s priority is to keep them safe. They worry that they will sink in the water and be unable to swim. Your son needs to be able to trust the instructor and develop a rapport with him or her. Having conversations with the instructor about your child’s personality, needs, and things you know that comfort him may help.

A strategy that works very well for new or stressful situations for many children is to create a social story. A social story describes what will happen and reinforces that your child will be safe.

For a three year old it is most meaningful to use pictures of him to create the story. Take pictures of him ready for lessons, the pool, the instructor, him swimming, and finishing the lesson. Add in any other steps that are part of your routine such as going to the bathroom or getting a sticker after class. Add in lots of reinforcing statements about being safe and calm.

Keep the story very matter-of-fact with simple, positive language.

Here is an example:

I go to swim class once a week. I like the water.
Our pool is safe.
I wait with Mama until it is my turn. I like to swim.
I stay calm when I wait.
I swim with my goggles on and put my face in the water. I kick my legs.
I am still when I float on my back.
My teachers keep me safe and won’t let me sink.
All my teachers keep me safe. I stay calm when I am swimming.
I will be with Mama when my swimming class is all done.
I like to swim.

Read the story with your son throughout the week and especially before swim class. You may want to have him take it the car to look at as well.

Be sure to recognize his efforts at staying calm, even if it is only for part of the lesson.

Dear Mama Drama:

I’m a stay-at-home-mom of three kids ages 8, 6 and 4. I know that kids are going to be kids.  They are going to fight and bicker and say mean things to each other. But, I think my oldest kids hate each other.   They do everything they can to stay away from each other.  They fight.  They say mean things.  The moments when they play together are few and far between.  They are mean to each other. And I don’t know what to do about it.

I want them to be kind and loving to each other. I want them to care about each other and want to do things together. So, I need your advice.  Please help me.

~Searching for help

Dear Searching:

You are so right that siblings do fight, bicker, and say mean things to each other, but it can go too far. As this behavior sounds like it has been going on for a while, you may have a few layers to get through.

Take some time to sit down with each of your children separately (including the four year old) and discuss what they like about their siblings and what drives them crazy. This will give you insight into what the issues are and give you a place from which to start. In these conversations, you may gently help them step into their sibling’s shoes and get a glimpse of their perspectives as well.

Then work together with the siblings to find solutions for some of their simple and most frustrating concerns. While guiding and mediating, let them find the solutions themselves as much as you can. As you problem solve, help them see that they cannot change their sibling (or anyone else for that matter) but can change their own behavior and how they respond to frustrating behavior by others. Brothers and sisters are fabulous opportunities to learn and practice tolerance and problem solving strategies that will help them throughout their lives – even though they won’t get that right now.

While I don’t want you to feel blamed, I do recommend taking a look at how you (and other adults) interact with your children as well. (Reflecting on what I can do differently is always the most successful place to start for me.) Sometimes parents unknowingly create strain between siblings by putting them in certain roles or creating competition between them. What behaviors do the adults in your family model towards siblings and other family members? How do you respond when upset? How do you model problems solving?

Working together as a family to support positive interactions is also an important step. Have a family meeting discussing expectations for respect between all family members, giving kids input as well. Then, set up a simple system to recognize them when you see them being kind and respectful to each other. You can use stickers, stars, smiley faces, etc. Set a goal (start low to ensure success, then increase it over time) that they work together to meet. Create a grab bag of ideas with to choose from when they reach their goal.  Have those ideas be interactive, preferably cost free, activities such as a ten minute dance party, a family picnic (inside or out), have breakfast for dinner, rides bikes, etc. Have the kids come up with ideas within those parameters so they will buy in to earning them.

Take a look at previous Mama Drama columns on Sibling Rivalry and Sibling Fights for more ideas. If you are still concerned, there are many excellent parenting books addressing sibling conflicts and you may consider family counseling as well.

Motherhood is an amazing journey that can have its share of Mama Drama. The Mama Drama column runs on Fridays with everyday mothering questions from readers and answers providing strategies to tackle these daily challenges. Send your questions and challenges to [email protected], and your Mama Drama could be in next week’s column! All emails and identifying information will remain confidential.

Author: Lisa Vratny-Smith