I grabbed a coworker of mine by the arm last week and pulled her into the bathroom with me. There was something I wanted her to see, and lifting my shirt up at her desk just seemed like a rude thing to do to everyone who surrounded us.
It was my bellybutton. It has slowly gone from an ugly, war-torn innie, to an ugly, war-torn outie… sort of solid, hard to hide when wearing a form-fitting t-shirt and, holy macaroni, OUCH! This wouldn’t be so troubling if the rest of my belly had grown right along with my navel. I’m quite familiar with that type of ailment. If I remember correctly, it was accompanied by swollen ankles, back pain, and massive cravings for chocolate-covered pizza.
Yes, my NOT-a-doctor friend confirmed my suspicions for me in that bathroom in front of way too many mirrors… It would appear that maybe I have a hernia. Furthermore, said friend thought it required a trip to the emergency room. Some ice cream. And maybe a piggy-back ride. (I love her.) But I I thought it wise to consult with another well-known doctor before dropping a load of cash at our local ER. You might have heard of him… Dr. Google? I’m being presumptuous in calling it a HE, I know. But he gave me way more information that I asked for and showed me some really gross pictures, so… you do the math. Moreover, Dr. Google didn’t want to talk about anything except swine flu whose symptoms, by the way, had nothing to do with protruding bellybuttons.
So I’ve made an appointment with a certified honest-to-goodness doctor of medicine and have taken to wearing a girdle. What does this have to do with book signings, you ask?