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Sordid Secrets and the Husbands Who Keep Them

By Amber Johnson on 49 Comments
Sordid Secrets and the Husbands Who Keep Them

My husband Jamie has been sneaking around lately. I figured his covert actions were regarding the gargantuan Mother’s Day surprise party he was likely throwing me.

It didn’t happen.

Or the second honeymoon he was planning.

We already took one.

So when I spotted him slip into the den and close the door, I knew he was up to no good. I waited a few minutes until I heard him tapping away on the computer’s keyboard. And then I went in for the kill.

And nothing could have prepared me for what I found. It was not a lurid chat room, nor was it nekkid women but it was pumpkin porn.

Yes, my friends. My beloved, pumpkin-obsessed husband has started a blog about growing pumpkins. This is not just any blog but a secret pumpkin blog.

“This is why you’ve been sneaking around? You have a pumpkin blog?”
“Errr…yes.”
“Just when were you planning to tell me about this?”
“Errr…never?”

Thus solidifies just how deep his obsession runs. For those not in the know, it started out innocently last spring when he planted the first pumpkin seed. Over the summer, he and our daughter Hadley religiously watered and watched it grow from a molehill to a mountain.

Unfortunately, so did his competitive drive.

Jamie decided to enter it into our local harvest festival and I, good wife that I am, humored him. Until the flood came. It started with his barrage of pumpkin-related emails and then it totally engulfed our dinner conversations.

“I read online that I need to cut the stem right before the competition.”

Grunt.

“It then says I should put the stem into a gallon of water.”

Groan.

“Did you know a pumpkin can lose up to five pounds within the few hours of being cut?”

You get the point.

I was just ready for it to be over. For this to be a chapter carefully folded away into the Johnson Family History of Dysfunction, never to be spoken of again.

Until his 141.5-pound pumpkin won.

We’re not several years into his obsession (with his biggest pumpkin weighing 1,200+ pounds) and still going strong.

 

Amber Johnson
Author: Amber Johnson

Amber is the founder and editor of Mile High Mamas, travel writer and former columnist for The Denver Post. She is a passionate community builder and loves the outdoors. She has two awesome teens and is happily married to a man obsessed with growing The Great Pumpkin.

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Amber is the founder and editor of Mile High Mamas, travel writer and former columnist for The Denver Post. She is a passionate community builder and loves the outdoors. She has two awesome teens and is happily married to a man obsessed with growing The Great Pumpkin.

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49 Comments

  1. You have my condolences!

  2. LOL! You gotta admit, pumpkin porn beats other types of…ehem…porn.

    🙂

    Heidi

  3. Oh my good gracious!! I was pretty certain you were going to say he had started his own blog. But a PUMPKIN blog?! That’s just hilarious! Actually . . . I think it’s pretty cool that he’s so passionate about . . . pumpkins. LOL! HAHAHAHA! Sorry. Had to pick myself up off the floor. Whew! You guys are the best!

    http://www.MelissaGarrett.wordpress.com
    http://www.RootandSprout.com

  4. That is too funny. I guess he could be up to something worse. 🙂

  5. Pumpkins! That is just too funny! At least they don’t grow year-round….

  6. I have never heard of a pumpkin widow — this takes the cake. I love it! I’m sorry for you, of course, but at least it makes a great story. And it’s better than being a video game widow like the rest of us. At least he’s outdoors doing something productive.

  7. I’m gonna go check me out some pumpkin blog…..and defnitely not tell my husband lest he decide the he either a) needs to grow a pumpkin b) needs to read the pumpkin blog or c) decides he needs to write a blog of his own – which probably be all about BOTOX…..

  8. I lost my husband when the Map Book Pro entered our home.

  9. It is a true sign of an addict when your husband makes you go back and edit your post to include the weight of the pumpkin.He’s still upset I didn’t include more details of his win….

  10. A secret pumpkin blog? How dare he….why the nerve…..Just kidding. Very funny though. Is that a typo or did it say 141 lb pumpkin?

  11. Hubby goes in spurts. His OCDNess affects him this way: He focuses on one new thing at a time, perfecting it as far as he can perfect it, and then he moves onto the next “project”. This has included:
    Chess, guitar playing, geocaching, hiking, yardwork, video games, music, Thai/Indian cooking, and bike riding. I think his next venture will be music composition.
    Lucily, none of these obessesions ever affect work!

  12. I say goodbye to my husband when it comes to cycling- Nice weather means 75 mile rides, cycling blogs (I am guilty of reading some now), month of July- tour de France coverage (just join along now as well!)…

    It could be worse, so I embrace the cycling obsession.

  13. Hahahaha… Great blog. At least it is an “innocent” obsession.

    How is your daughter, as excited, or is she OVER it : )

  14. Right now… the Wii… but luckily we are both kind of obsessed with it at the moment… but, I think I’ll skip on over to see what a pumpkin blog looks like 🙂

  15. That’s too funny. I love that he “made” you go over and edit the weight.

  16. Cars. Eats, drinks, and sleeps them.

  17. I think I caught the tail end of a PBS special on growing giant pumpkins! It looked to be serious business including bathing the pumpkins and such. Truly amazing! I will be checking out his blog to see that 141 pounder… Congrats!!
    http://thecolemine.wordpress.com/

  18. Sorry but this was a hilarious post! I console you with my laughter

  19. Bawaha!! Shall we say slightly obsessed? You are such a great writer though…totally got me hooked.

  20. I don’t know how I found your blog, but you are so funny Amber. I was worried for you for a minute, but was relieved to find pumpkins were the root of the problem. 🙂
    I noticed that you traveled a lot in Utah. Have you been to The Wave? My husband and I are going there and want to find some other hikes to do in that area. My blog is http://www.excitedandconfused.blogspot.com

  21. If it is an obsession to try to feed all of Africa one thousand pumpkins at a time then call me guilty.

    Loving husband and pumpkin grower. – denverpumpkins.com

  22. And yes that wasn’t a typo, last years pumpkin was 141.5 pounds. This year I plan on getting a 300-500 pound pumpkin with my new formula. If you care to follow along join me at http://www.denverpumpkins.com and feel free to drop my a comment or send your condolences to Amber.

  23. i love it– that is hilarious– we are already sprouting all the seeds from my sons pumpkin last year– I have no idea where to transplant the numerous sprouts!

  24. My sweetie’s passion – his other woman – is his IPOD and his 200 gig of music.

    KEEP BELIEVING

  25. This is so random and coincidental! I just posted a picture I found of a pumpkin lovingly carved in honor of Mother’s Day.
    http://www.smilinginfidel.com/2008/05/its-mothers-daybeware-last-minute.html

    Maybe Jamie’s only interest in pumpkin growing is to gift you with a special Mother’s Day one next year.

  26. I’ve never been able to get my pumpkins to grow…I’m going to have to check out Jamie’s blog…I guess I’ll be contributing to your widdowhood 🙂

  27. that is funny. to each their own.

    my hubby’s obsession is computers and techie stuff. so i only benefit from his “hobby.”

    can’t wait to see this year’s pumpkin =)

    http://www.sunshine-on-my-shoulders.blogspot.com

  28. i just went over to look at his blog. tell him he could come up with a better name. something a little bit more catchy =)

  29. Ha!
    So sorry…. I’m speechless darling.

    http://thismamasnest.com

  30. Oh my. And here I thought that I was in dire straights being a golf widow. At least my hubby makes money at it.

    But yours …. well, it takes the cake. Pumpkins? Hmmm …. well, on the bright side, if you are looking for a new venture, you could always establish a support group for other forgotten and neglected wives ….

  31. I am a softball widow. Three summer teams, and 2 fall. If I want to see him between now and when it snows, I have to go to the games.

  32. Sound equipment. That’s definitely worse than secret pumpkining. Sound equipment is waaaay more expensive. 😉

  33. “There are three things I have learned never to discuss with people: religion, politics, and the Great Pumpkin.” – Linus van Pelt in It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown

  34. Thanks for this post Amber! I think I’m the oddball here, because you made me realize I need to stop rolling my eyes at my husband’s grand schemes for gardening and bird-feeding. I find it very endearing that any man has enough nuturing instinct to want to be “Mother Nature’s Little Helper” (so to speak). Of course, the “manly” competitive edge is always lurking right under the surface!

    Your hubby’s site is a great resource – if for nothing else than his own documentation (plus, everyone wants to jump on the blogging bandwagon) – and it’s so sweet that it’s a hobby he shares with his daughter!

    Does he have any suggestions for growing pumpkins in smaller gardens?

    http://milehighmommy.blogspot.com

  35. Never, in my wildest dreams would I ever have suspected he was involved in pumpkin obsessed blogging. The wife is always the last to know.

    I luh-hove your writing…I know you think I am just saying that but I am being TOTALLY honest.

  36. Oh. My. Gosh.

    That pumpkin blog is the best thing ever. He had me at:
    “This blog is dedicated to anyone who loves big pumpkins. ”

    🙂

    Tiff

    http://www.childplay.wordpress.com

  37. sorry amber.

    but at least he is not addicted to something really baaad for him 🙂

  38. I can only shake my head. *grin*

    Does he admit to his problem in social groups? Are you guys involved in any “pumpkin mixers”?

    Pumpkins–who knew?

  39. I have a “friend” who knows someone who has a contact with a guy who can score some full strength Miracle Grow in 55 gallon drums if the money’s right. (we might even have some high density heavy weight barium solution to inject when a few more pounds are needed)

  40. lol I feel for you Amber, I too am pumpkin obsessed, but my husband is very proud of my accomplishments. My biggest pumpkin so far is 842.5Pounds

  41. Check out http://www.bigpumpkins.com. I am going for 1000 lb this year.

  42. Wait until he hits 500 pounds. You will have lost him for the next 10 years!

  44. Got sent here from the ‘big pumpkin’ chat lists… as for being a pumpkin widow, I’m the one with ‘seaOweeds’ and the yard all tore up, HE is the widower! Hope your hubby does a thousand pounder, but… he needs to remember you and provide things (tomatoes, fresh grown, strawberries, or if he can’t grow’em, chocolate). As for my hubby’s obsessions, it doesn’t matter, I can blather back about ‘all things orange’ and stick today’s tomato picking results under his nose. Grab your lawn chair and go sit under the shadebrella with your cold one while he primps and weeds. This is the LOW energy way of not having to do anything, take it if you can get it! (yes I let my S.O [Suffering Other] do this)

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  47. OMG a secret pumpkin blog. That is fabulous. (Reason to begin divorce proceedings but still fabulous.)

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