This is where life lessons were learned: how to care for a colicky baby, how to handle unruly teenagers, what to add to make the tortillas rise just enough, and the whispers of jokes not meant for me or my cousins (or sometimes the men in the other room).

With constant changes in our world, finding that small town familial support, “consejos” (advice) is hard
to come by. But, not when you’re a member of The Highlands Mommies, a parenting support group in North West Denver. We have recreated that missing comfort through our online parenting community. Our lives have been forever changed by social media and we ensure that it is for the better.

Highlands Mommies is North West Denver’s largest online parent organization. We are simply tied by
one overarching goal: to have a better community for our children to grow up in. We define parents as anyone who is raising children. With that said we have single fathers, single mothers, grandparents, gay parents, extended family raising children and foster parents (basically anyone raising children). Under the umbrella of Highlands Mommies, we also have 60 subgroups that reflect our various members’ interest and or needs such as groups by age of children, political, volunteer work, business, and common interests such as yoga or running.

Recently, in response to home and car break-ins in our many neighborhoods, we held our first Town Hall
in partnership with the District 1 Police Station, and District 1 Council Woman Paula Sandoval. We are
actively working with our own assigned officer to share information and relay concerns and questions in
order to create a greater community.

Our members are involved in just about every aspect of our community and actively share information
on events happening in North West Denver. Currently, the Giving Gals, which is the charitable arm of
the Highlands Mommies, is working on yet another fundraiser in our community. The planning has
long been underway for (Totally) Taste of Tennyson, an 80’s-themed Pub Crawl taking place on north
Tennyson on April 30th, 2011 @ 6p.m. Various restaurants, galleries and boutiques are participating.
Proceeds from this fundraiser will be divided equally among eight schools in our boundaries.

Last year they held a similar event and raised a total of $12K which was equally divided among four neighborhood schools in need of financial support. That is what we are about in North West Denver: “buying local, staying local, supporting local.” In the end, ‘ it takes a village,’ and this group of parents is determined that their tribe will thrive.

Members of our Highlands Mommies Business Group are also hosting their 2nd annual Spring Fling
event at North High School (2960 North Speer Blvd.) Saturday April 9th from 10 a.m. to 5 p.m. This
unique community event will hold a Kid Topia of 10k square feet of bounce houses; face painting done
by North High School students, The Denver Aquarium hosting kid friendly activities and their mobile
reptile show, balloon twisters and other activities. Denver Police District 1 will be providing their bicycle
village program which is a trike and bike safety program. These event publications are bilingual and they offer bilingual advertisement for local business.

(Executive Leadership Team)

For more information on the Highlands Mommies, you can visit them on their web site at:
www.highlandsmommies.org

Highlands Mommies (HM) will be a monthly contributor at Mile High Mamas. Guest blogger Elina Martinez is the group’s co-Managing Director and sees HM as a unifying force with great potential to represent and empower the diverse parents in our area, across racial, ethnic, and socio-economic lines. Passionate about community engagement and educational equality, Elina has a master’s degree in education and is a proud single parent to four children (“three boys and one princess; they’re all super cool!”) ranging from 2 to 20.

The latter was illustrated on the first day of school when my daughter Hadley met her new BFF: a girl who had the exact same pair of Twinkle Toes shoes.

In a few years, such trespasses will result in a cat fight.

But there is a murky side to the social hierarchy that is rarely discussed: the Mommy Clique. These are formed when moms are brought together while waiting for their children to emerge from school or in playgroups and at activities.

I’d like to think that moms are mutually-supportive and that is mostly the case. But often, there are deep-rooted undertones of judgment that, if not confronted, can result in a full-blown Mommy Clique.

And no one likes Mommy Mean Girls.

From my extensive six years as a mom, I have compiled a few ideas for banding together as moms. Because let’s face it: no one wants to feel like they’re the only kid in the junior high cafeteria who doesn’t have anyone with whom to sit.

Obviously, I still harbor deeply-rooted insecurities.

Do:

1) Start early. I was clueless to the whole Mommy Clique phenomenon when my kids were in preschool. I’d come, I’d go, I’d pick up my daughter and call it good. It wasn’t until the middle of the year I realized friendships were forming without me and I was that loner in the school cafeteria. Again.

2) Compliment. I am the queen of small talk (OK, any talk) but for the shy people out there, you can’t go wrong with a compliment. Praising a cute baby is a sure-fire “in.” Well, unless the baby is kind of ugly, in which case they’ll know you’re lying.

3) Reach out to the loners. Once you form friendships, it’s easy to stick with the same crowd. Try to include people standing by themselves including other moms, grandmas and fathers. My husband assures me dads have feelings, too.

I’ve also made some mistakes over the years.

Do not:

1) Judge. Moms come in different shapes, colors and backgrounds but we’re all in this together. You never know what you can learn from someone with whom you’d normally never associate.

2) Tease a mom you don’t know. Hypothetical scenario: Do not joke that she looks like an abominable snowman, even if she is dressed from head-to-toe in Michelin-Man-esque winter wear. Despite your sincere apology at your light-hearted attempt at humor, this offended mom will then ignore you the rest of the year. Hypothetically.

3) Think it’s too late to form friendships. Even if Mommy Cliques have already developed around you, stand nearby and offer constructive comments. If they’re a Mommy Clique worth knowing, they’ll embrace you in their group.

If not, nurse your wounds while watching Lindsey Lohan in Mean Girls as you down a gallon of Breyers’ Triple Chocolate Ice Cream.

This year, I vowed to make a concerted effort with developing new friendships. My daughter recently entered first grade and rides the bus home. As I waited with the other moms on the first day, I introduced myself as the “Newbie Mom at the Bus Stop” and met Kristen, a fellow rookie.

On day two, I spotted a mom whose son is in my daughter’s class. She introduced herself as Jamie and exclaimed, “You’re Amber Johnson! I love reading your articles in The Denver Post’s YourHub!”

Forget the Twinkle Toes shoes. I think I found my new bus-stop BFF.

Your Opinion: What are your tips for surviving Mommy Cliques? What have been your good or bad experiences?

We have recently adopted a three-year-old twins. I am fortunate to be able to stay home to help them adjust to our family and bond with us.

I love children and am thrilled to finally have two of my own, but I have little experience with keeping them busy for an entire day. I would love some ideas for creating meaningful and fun activities for them.

~Inexperienced Mama

(photo credit)

Dear Inexperienced:

Congratulations on your growing family! Three-year-olds are busy little people learning, exploring, and discovering the world and themselves. Keeping up with their energy can be exhausting for even the most seasoned parent. It’s important to keep in mind that our job as parents is to guide our children and provide them opportunities to learn and play, but we don’t need to entertain them. At times this can be a delicate balance to negotiate.

A consistent routine is a great place to start with your kids. Predictability paired with flexibility sets the foundation for trust and decreases power struggles. Have a regular routine and give your kids a heads up when changes are coming such as appointments and outing. Using picture schedules will help your kids to understand the routine and increase their independence with it over time.

Have a variety of toys available for play. Play with your children some of them time and allow them to play by themselves or with each other some of the time. Stay nearby to monitor their play skills and provide support in developing their social and problem solving skills.  Help them limit the amount of toys they have out at any one time and teach them the steps for cleaning up.

Get out for adventures. Everyone gets a bit of cabin fever when there is too much time in the house. Get out in the yard, go for neighborhood walks, go to the park, and visit the zoo and museums. (Memberships and Free Days are great ways to go on a budget.) Be sure to balance outings with relaxed time at home. Too much scheduled time, and just trying to get out of the house, can be stressful.

To support your children’s socialization and provide a grown up outlet for yourself, join a playgroup or mom’s club. Other moms are a great resource for ideas on activities, outing, and tackling parenting challenges.

Read, read, read together. Reading with your children provides a wonderful foundation for literacy skills and a lovely time to bond with each other. In her book Show Me How! Vivian Kirkfield shares a plethora of ideas for pairing books with cooking and craft activities. She suggests reading the story, making a meal or snack from the story, and creating a craft or art project that related to the tale. Children love re-enacting stories and pretending to be their favorite characters. These ideas provide a guide for creating a theme for your day and supporting your children’s self-esteem along the way. Kirkfield adds a bonus of gentle parenting tips with each book activity. Teach Mama also a has great blog with everyday activities to incorporate pre-academic skills into your family fun.

Remember building strong relationships with your children will come from the time you spend together, no matter what you are doing. Have fun and enjoy this special gift of being with them while they are little.

Tell us your ideas for sharing your days with little ones.

Motherhood is an amazing journey that can have its share of Mama Drama. The Mama Drama column runs on Fridays with everyday mothering questions from readers and answers providing strategies to tackle these daily challenges. Send your questions and challenges to Lisa@milehighmamas.com, and your Mama Drama could be in next week’s column! Lisa is also available for private consultations. All emails and identifying information will remain confidential.

Dear Hoping:

Kids put out a ton of energy being at school all day and even though they may be running around, they are often exhausted emotionally and physically. Re-entering into their families low on energy can often lead to irritability and frustration.

Re-engaging with younger brothers after being with same age peers all day can be a challenge for older siblings. The older brother often struggles to remember that the younger brothers don’t have the same skills as his peers. He may have unrealistic expectations that lead to frustration for everyone. His low energy may prevent him from handling the situation with compassion and understanding.

From the perspective of the middle brother, he has been the big brother all day so giving that up when the bigger brother returns may be difficult for him. Aggression may be his outlet as he doesn’t have the language to conceptualize what he is experiencing. It may be even more difficult for him given the loving interactions the two other brothers demonstrate.

Reflecting with each child about how they perceive the after school experience is the first step. Understanding their thinking, helping them to understand the perspective of the other brother, and coming up with ideas for how they can handle that time of day is a good place to start. They may need more structure for this re-entry phase such as a secret brothers only handshake or hug ritual, a catch and release connection (meaning a quick hello, then let big brother be on his own for a few minutes), or a quiet time in the car or at home where everyone takes a break to rest or read. Having snacks and drinks available for the ride home gives them something to do and a chance to re-fuel without waiting too long.

Part of your problem solving should also involve helping them recognize their own internal cues of tiredness and frustration and how to read and respond to the non-verbal signals and body language of each other. This will take lots of time and practice, but you can help them by describing what you observe in them and explaining how you handle such feelings. Teaching them how to tune in to their own needs and read the signals from each other is a great life skill to start now.

Dear Mama Drama,

One of the children in our playgroup has a problem with hitting, and often uses my child as a target. (They are both approximately 3.5 years old.) The mother knows it happens and tries to discipline her child, but to no avail. It’s gotten to the point where my child doesn’t like playing with the hitter and is afraid. My child has tried telling the other child that kids won’t want to play with people who hit, but that doesn’t seem to be working either. Because the child’s behavior isn’t changing, which would be the best route to take: avoid playing with this person altogether, or keep playing and hope for the best?

Logistically, it would be a challenge to not see this child, and we love our playgroup, but I hate putting my child in harm’s way (literally!).

~Hit me with your best shot

Dear Hit me:

Hoping for the best without changing the interventions will lead to more of the same behavior. It is apparent that both the child and mother are struggling with the skills to handle this situation. My guess is that they are as frustrated with the problems as you are. If these relationships are important enough for you to continue in this playgroup, I suggest a direct conversation with this mom.

With compassion you can share how you have noticed her struggles in handling the hitting behavior of her child. You can also tell her how it is impacting your child’s feeling toward hers and that this is concerning to you. Let her know how important your relationship is and that you would like to support her in helping her child so that your relationship, and that of your children, can continue to be positive and successful.

For ideas on how she can support her daughter in using more appropriate social skills during your playgroup, you can refer her to last week’s Mama Drama column on Playtime Struggles. They may also need more direct support from a family behavior consultant or counselor.

If she is receptive and willing to work on this issue, then continuing may be a good idea. If she is not, you may need to take steps to limit or avoid contact with her and her child.

I recently took my 6 and 8 year old daughters to a pumpkin carving contest. It is a wonderful family event that focuses more on community than competition, but the pumpkins are judged and there are winners. My 6 year old won and my 8 year old did not.  At first, the 8 year old was very supportive of her sister, but then she started crying. When we finally got to the root of the problem, she was upset that she had given her sister ideas and that her sister had won and she didn’t.

This sibling competition expresses itself frequently in negative ways in our family and I am unsure how to react or what to do about it.  Growing up most of my life as an only child, I really don’t understand and am not very sympathetic to sibling rivalry.

How can I encourage my children to be loving supportive sisters and discourage them from being self-centered and competitive?

~Seeking Harmony

Dear Seeking Harmony:

Sibling rivalry is a normal part of growing up with brothers and sisters, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have that harmony you are seeking.

Spending time getting to the root of the problem, as you did, is a great start for helping your girls understand their thinking and emotions. Children need time to process what has happened and an understanding adult to walk them through it. We can often see the bigger picture, whereas they are in the middle of it and can only see what is right in front of them. Strong emotions also make it more difficult to think rationally about the situation. Giving them time to cool down will lead to more productive conversations.

The next step is to try anticipate when these situations may arise and pre-plan with your girls. For example, prior to any type of contest or competition, you could talk about the possibilities that might occur. One of them may win, both of them may win, neither of them may win. Have a conversation about how they might feel in each of those scenarios and discuss strategies for how to handle those feelings when they occur. Role playing can be very helpful as it provides the opportunity to practice the language they can use.

You may need to come up with some phrases for them such as, “I’m happy for you, sister, but I am sad that I didn’t win. I wish we could both have won.”  And for the winner, “Thanks for helping me and being so supportive. You worked really hard, I wish you could have one, too.” You can tailor the statements for the specific event and circumstances, but having some generic statements that can be used in any situation can also be helpful.

The lessons of good sportsmanship can be applied in many arenas of life. It is important for children to learn both how to be compassionate and appreciative winners as well as gracious losers. The world offers many examples of both appropriate and inappropriate responses to competing, winning, and losing. When attending or watching sporting events or other competitions, make an effort to point out to your girls how different people handle themselves and how you think it is positive or negative. From the player who beats his chest after a touchdown as though he alone was responsible, the swimmer who makes sure the race doesn’t start without her competitor who is struggling with her suit, the temper tantrum a famous tennis player throws when she disagrees with a call, to the handshakes and hugs between opposing teams at the end of a hard fought game. These examples are very powerful and add a concrete and visual image to their understanding of how to be a good competitor.

Sometimes your girls will do really well and sometimes they will struggle. Acknowledge them when they handle the situations well, re-teach and problem solve with them when they don’t. This is a challenge they will face their entire lives. Teaching them these skills now is a tremendous gift you can give them.

Dear Mama Drama~

Maybe you can help???  I have a son who is a little over two years old.  About 6-9 months ago, he started pushing and hitting other kids.  He is normally a fairly gentle and very sensitive little boy so this behavior has been really confusing for us.  It didn’t necessarily coincide with any major event in our family and I would like to think that our care and love has been strong and consistent.  We started by telling him no and distracting him and moved to timeouts and then, on the advice of our pediatrician, began to give more attention to the victim.  The hitting happens at various times.  Sometimes it is quite obvious where I’m on the phone so he hits me or another child near us for attention.  Other times he hits children at the playground when he doesn’t want them to go down “his” slide or if a child takes something away from him at a play date.

Timeouts don’t really bother him and I’ve tried taking away toys as a consequence but he could care less.

We are completely out of ideas and at this point I’m scared to take him to the playground or on play dates for fear of ticking off every mom in my neighborhood.  I am ready to hear anything that you have to say no matter how hard it might be to hear.

~In need of help

Dear In need of help:

It sounds like you have tried a lot of good strategies and have identified that some of your son’s behavior is motivated by his desire for attention. Other behaviors seem developmentally typical, such as the perception that the slide is his, but he doesn’t have the language or skills to handle the situation successfully. Most of your interventions seem to be focused on telling him that his behavior is not okay, which is important, but the piece of the puzzle that may be missing is teaching him what to do instead. This is a commonly missed step by parents and professionals.

Two year olds they are usually beginning to talk more and often appear to have more skills than they do. Even though they have been taught social skills many times, they have not mastered them. Two year olds are struggling to figure out what is mine, what is yours, what is ours, and how all that gets decided. When emotions are high, language skills decrease and hitting often results.

When children misbehave, it is important that we teach them what behavior we want them to use instead. Research shows that children need to be exposed to information thousands of times before they master it. Think about how much language a baby hears before he or she is able to speak.

The first step is to label your son’s intention for him and teach him what you want him to do. Put yourself in his shoes and try to figure out what he is wanting from the situation. For example, when your son is clearly seeking attention, tell him, “You want my attention. Pat me gently on the arm and then wait. I’ll show you I know you are waiting by holding up one finger.” You’ll need to model for him both what a gentle pat is and what waiting looks like. Then pretend to be busy and have him practice several times. Re-teaching if you need to and recognizing what he has done when he has followed your directions. You’ll need to follow through by showing him your “one minute” index finger and then taking a break to give him your attention.

This teaches him how to get attention appropriately in any situation and also shows him how to politely ask for a moment when he is interrupted. The next time he seeks attention appropriately, congratulate him for patting you gently and waiting. The next time he forgets and hits someone, re-teach your expectation. “Remember, when you want attention, pat my arm gently and wait. We keep our hands safe and our friends safe.”

These same steps can be followed for the issues with peers. Use a variety of tools to teach the social and problem solving skills you want him to use. Notice other people making kind choices. Read and tell stories that focus on social skills. Engage in imaginative play with him involving social skills and problem solving. I’m not a big fan of television or videos for kids, but if you choose wisely, limit the length of time, and watch with your son, you can find some great lessons to watch and discuss in many public television shows, Thomas the Train videos, and other shows or short movies.

Before heading for a play date, it is important to practice situations that may arise for him. Pre-teaching and pre-planning will help your son be aware of the situations he may encounter and be prepared for them. Once you are at the play area, stay nearby your son to monitor and support him. Model and give him the language to use when you see he needs support. Anticipate things with which he may struggle and give a positive reminder, “Remember, we share the slide with everyone.” Acknowledge his specific behavior when he follows through with appropriate social skills, “Thank you for sharing the shovel with your friend.” Re-teach the expected behavior when he struggles, “Tell him ‘my turn, please.’”

At first keep the playtime short so he has a better chance of being successful. However, be prepared to leave early if he is really struggling. Stay calm and tell your son, “This seems too hard right now, we’ll try again next time.”

When the playtime is over, share with him the safe choices and the effort you noticed. Be specific when recognizing these behaviors so he knows exactly what he did well. Even if he has had a difficult time, be sure find a few positives to share with him. Over time he will need less close supervision and begin to initiate these skills on his own. For now, though, he will need a lot of support to learn, practice, and master these skills.

Motherhood is an amazing journey that can have its share of Mama Drama. The Mama Drama column runs on Fridays with everyday mothering questions from readers and answers providing strategies to tackle these daily challenges. Send your questions and challenges to Lisa@milehighmamas.com, and your Mama Drama could be in next week’s column! All emails and identifying information will remain confidential.

It’s crazy how busy our babies are these days. We have our infants in organized activities or parent/tot groups because we don’t want to miss out on any developmental opportunities. When they hit the toddler stage, their activity-packed schedules are busier than ours! At least that’s been my experience.

Along this journey so far (I have a 2 and 4 year old), I’ve discovered many different programs, classes and activities that have supported and enriched my kids’ minds and physical development. One in particular, that I have found especially valuable, is called Productive Playgroup. This weekly in-home playgroup, with kids starting at 18-months-old, is designed to jump start the child’s academic ability in a comfortable, fun and creative way, giving them the confidence needed for preschool and kindergarten. They do age-appropriate activities, such as doing art projects, singing songs, learning numbers and letters, etc., all while learning about sharing, taking-turns and paying attention. The classes consist of 4-6 kids all within the same age range.

The playgroup structure is truly unique because of its small group setting. The teacher (who is required to have a teaching license and at least two years of teaching experience in a preschool setting) arrives at the designated house (all the kids take turns hosting at their house) a few minutes before start time and lays out a giant parachute (to contain the mess), along with a little table and chairs for the kids to sit. As they arrive, the kids are seated around the table and they begin working with playdough.

Once all the kids have arrived and the parents leave, the activities begin. And somehow, the teacher manages to keep the kids focused and seated at the table for a better part of the 90 minute playgroup. For the past year, my (almost) 4-year-old has been learning his letters and numbers in Productive Playgroup and has been practicing writing his name. I pick him up with his letter and name writing practice sheets, as well as his art project that represents his letter of the day (they might make a sailboat if they are practicing the letter “s”). My (almost) 2 year old is learning about taking turns, following directions and working together in a small group, in addition to doing art projects and singing songs. The skills my kids have obtained through this program far exceed those from other programs we’ve tried.

Krista Brown, the owner of Productive Playgroup, can be reached at kbrown506 [at] hotmail.com.