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The death of a dream: my personal hell after discovering my husband’s affair

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I have been reluctant to talk about my own personal hell for the last six months because it was and is so intensely personal. And devastating. And painful.

There are a lot of words to describe hell. I hope that you, dear reader, never get to experience any of them. No one, no NO ONE, deserves the hell my family and I have been through.

In the end I have decided to write about it- for my own healing and for anyone else who may be going through something similar.

In June, I found out that my husband had been cheating on me for seven months. He had left me and our two young children multiple times for trysts with his girlfriend. When I found out, I wanted to make it work. I love the man. Just because people screw up doesn’t mean you can stop loving them. We had been together almost 13 years. We have 2 small children. We had a lot to lose.

On top of Whistler in 2009. We fell in love with the place together.

On top of Whistler in 2009.

I spent all summer and most of the fall trying to make it work. I failed. And when I say, I failed, I don’t want you to think that I blame myself for the affair or for events that caused the affair or for the hundreds of lies I was fed over the months. I don’t. I say I failed because, well, I did. WE did. WE failed.

You know what else? I was failed by someone else. I loved (and still love) him like no one else on the planet. He made me laugh, he comforted me, he understood me like no one else. He was my partner in life. And he chose to turn his back on all of that.

I have spent innumerable hours reading about affairs and recovery from affairs and how to recover a broken relationship. I have spent days crying uncontrollably and at the most inconvenient times. For five months, I have woken up every morning and thought to myself, “S#&@. Another day to get through” instead of what I have thought every morning for over 30 years, which is, “Hot d@&#! Another day to do awesome s#&@!”

I thought I was immune to depression and anxiety and panic attacks. I thought I could be cured with bike rides and runs and time outside and with my kids.

I was wrong. Very, very wrong.

I have been unable to do what I do best: ride my bike hard. There have been weeks with little to no activity on my part. I have not slept. I don’t eat. I don’t drink enough water. I expend all of my energy making life normal for my kids and pretending my life is normal to anyone else. And by 7 p.m. every night, I am exhausted but yet I cannot sleep.

This year has rocked me to the core. To be betrayed over and over again by the person you thought you could trust the most in the world is something I hope never, ever happens to you. No one deserves that depth of hell. I have wanted to give up on us so many times, but I couldn’t. How can you when your love is still fierce?

Eventually though, even I can be worn down and divorce papers were filed. Once again, I hoped that life would get easier. It did not. Instead, it sent me in to another round of panic attacks and anxiety. I never like to give up. It is not in my stubborn nature to admit defeat.

I feel that I have been defeated. It is impossible for me to reconcile our 12 very happy years together, the joyous births of our children, the many adventures we went on, even our wedding day with…THIS. THIS cannot be real. THIS was not in the plans. THIS is not what I have spent years training for.

I now find myself alone and more depressed than I have ever been. To be fair, I am not alone. I am far, far from alone. I have an amazing community of friends and family and they never let me down. But being surrounded in love and support doesn’t lessen the pain, which is a sad realization. It just makes it slightly easier to handle.

I am rational enough to know that this, too, will pass. It just won’t pass quickly enough or with the ending I so desperately wanted and worked for.

gunnyUntil then, my first goal is to wake up every morning and think, “It will be OK. You can do this” instead of “S#*$. Another day to get through”.

If you are in a similar situation, message me. I won’t have any answers for you (I don’t even have answers for myself) but we can drink a virtual glass of wine in solidarity.

If you are a cheater, get help- serious, intensive help. Be honest with yourself and others. Right. Now. Face yourself in the mirror and make a promise to be a better person.

And if you are the other woman (or man), stop. Just stop. I know that you can probably justify your actions to yourself a million different ways, but in reality, you are really, deeply hurting someone else and possibly an entire family. Cut it off and do it with a clear conscience. No one deserves the pain you are causing, even if you have convinced yourself that it will all work out in the end. Less than 1% of cheaters end up with their affairs. The odds are not good for you either way- you are tearing apart someone else’s life AND you will probably lose your lover. Cut your losses and get out.

Goodbye, man that I loved. I will never stop missing you.

Eryn is an outdoor-loving Colorado mom of two beautiful children and blogs at Gunny Girl.

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Comments
  • comment avatar Julie November 18, 2014

    This is so so so heartbreaking. I’m so sorry for you. I popped over to your blog and have been reading your journey. You are a strong woman and I know you will see this through. 🙁

  • comment avatar Judith November 18, 2014

    I’d like to say that it gets better because it does in many ways. But I’ll never forget the moment I found out, the ground beneath my feet fell away; and four years later, I know that it never will, and never can, be entirely solid underfoot again.

  • comment avatar PattyJ November 18, 2014

    It sounds like at this point there is no hope for reconciling? A powerful read: http://healingaftermyhusbandsaffair.wordpress.com/2012/10/28/my-story/

  • comment avatar ShatteredWife November 18, 2014

    Thank you for fuming! My husband had an emotional affair, which I’m sure doesn’t seem like a big deal but it is extremely damaging. My husband is downplaying what he did, as much as he knows it was wrong. Was it inappropriate? Did he keep a relationship with another woman a secret from you? Of course! Affair. There’s no other word for it.

  • comment avatar GlassMenagerieMom November 18, 2014

    “What makes a person risk a life they built with their true love for someone that is meaningless?”

    I have been asking myself the same questions since last year. I’m only now at the point where I can tell my story in bits and pieces. It’s so much to process and that question…”why”…is always in the back of my mind. My husband reconnected with his first girlfriend from high school. We are talking 27 years ago. I can’t help but wonder if it’s been going on all these years. He swears they haven’t seen each other…so why? Why risk everything? Why damage our family and hurt our daughter and destroy your wife for someone you haven’t seen in 27 years? None of it makes any sense.

  • comment avatar Jetts_Mommy November 18, 2014

    Big sigh…This has hit me in the heart spot on. I have been through this as well, not in its entirety, but much the same. My son just turned 3 years old on Saturday. 95% of the three years, I have been single. Not by choice, but because my partner left me well for another woman. I was so angry, hurt, my world rocked. I tried to take us to counseling, but you cannot change someone’s mind once it is already made up. Throughout the years I was so angry, but I realized I was the only one mad and feeling this way. My ex didn’t feel it, nor did he care that I was angry and hurt. I was only letting myself be this way and the only one feeling it, no one cared, really. Throughout this three-year adventure, I have come to realize a few things. 1. My son always comes first and I live for him! I would do anything for him with love and without qualm or hesitation. 2. Good riddens! My ex’s new beau can deal with him. 3. I am ultimately happier without him and having knowing now how many times I was lied to and even worse he lied to not see our son, I don’t need it. 4. Forgiveness and Life goes on. The resentment is still there, but I think I have forgiven my ex. It was hard and I half-forgave him multiple times bc when I thought I could fully, he would do something stupid to me/my son. I fee like a stronger woman for doing it and feel a weight lifted off my shoulders. 5. While I am nowhere near the dating scene, I am enjoying time with my son and focusing on him. He is my number one and I wouldn’t change it.

    Thank you for sharing and I am sorry you are going through this. I have been there and you will get through this and your kids too with you at their side.

  • comment avatar Eryn Barker November 18, 2014

    Thanks for the comments, everyone. There is no manual or rule book that tells us how to react or heal after such an event. Instead, I personally navigate these crazy waters with the help of friends, family, my therapist and belief in myself. I don’t want this event to define me or my life. It will always be part of me but I hope it eventually becomes something that made me even stronger and more sure of myself.

  • comment avatar Joy November 18, 2014

    Thanks for sharing your story. I am currently going through this with my husband. I found out my husband had an emotional affair with his co-worker this past Septmeber and I kicked him out 3 days later. We have been together 20 year ( married 6 years) and have a 4 year old son. My husband actually told me about the emotional affair after I confronted him. At first he told me that he told her to stop calling him and he was going to change his work unit. Later on that evening, I realized he continue to contact her under our roof and he is not even being discreet about it. He is 51 years-old and is messing with a 26 year-old. About an month and a half of hell later, he calls me and asked that. He wants to work on our marriage. I dont’t feel his sincerity. I feel he feels guilty because our son is acting out in school since he left. I feel he is return because of our son not because he wants to. I am happy that he wants to try again but I am also skeptical. What should I do?

  • comment avatar Eliz November 19, 2014

    I can relate to the death of a dream and the betrayal is unparalleled. And when you have children together, especially young ones, it is even more heartbreaking to come to the conclusion and realization that trust cannot be rebuilt. BUT as someone who has gone through divorce and rebuilding after, I can encouragingly say there is happiness to be found afterwards and it is worth it. Best wishes for you and anyone else who is going through this.

  • comment avatar Heidi November 19, 2014

    I went through a similar thing. It’s been a little over a year now. I am still working on my definition of “family” – it will never be what I had hoped for or wanted or what I thought I had. I feel like a failure. Everyday. I don’t know how or when it gets better. I’m not sitting around being depressed. I love so many things about my life and look for every opportunity to seize the moments I can with my kids and to appreciate the love and beauty and people that surround me. But at the end of the day, or the moment I wake up, all the pain and sorrow and emptiness is there. I used to look forward to the idea of growing old….reminiscing with my partner about our children and our dreams and the things we achieved together. Looking forward to big family gatherings with the kids and grand kids. Currently, I cannot remotely fathom my life in old age. I can’t picture it at all. I think, that once I do, it will mean that I have recovered.

  • comment avatar Shawnda November 19, 2014

    Sounds like this woman truly gave her marriage & family a 100%. There’s no shame in that. Best of luck to her in building a new life.

  • comment avatar Amanda November 19, 2014

    That sucks! I wonder about the “other person” it’s one thing to feel love for someone, but knowing it’s at his cost to his family, his children. They put their selfishness above everyone else, including his kids. That’s what would piss me off the most. Don’t cheat on your children. I hope you find your happy place again.

  • comment avatar Jenny November 19, 2014

    I went through a very similar situation five years ago. He did end up leaving to be with other person, leaving me pregnant and with two small children. It was a very difficult time, and I can certainly understand the range of emotions you are feeling right now. I can say that it does get easier. I think the hurt and betrayal will always be felt, but as time passes I’m able to look at the situation in different ways. I’m so sorry that some of you are experiencing this right now!

  • comment avatar Beth November 19, 2014

    Eryn I’m so sorry you have to go through this. I’m sorry that any of us do, as I am dealing with the same issue. You said it correctly, its the loss of a dream. My husband and I are counseling for reconciliation and time will tell if the wounds can heal. I wish you ALL the best. This will not define you. Just reading a few of your blog posts shows how strong you are even if you don’t feel it right now. Sending you BIG hugs. We can do this.

  • comment avatar Amy Hatch November 19, 2014

    Thanks for sharing. Good vibes being sent your way.

  • comment avatar Joy at Last November 19, 2014

    My husband having an affair and our subsequent divorce was the best gift I ever received. I was devastated too and it was so terrible to go through, but I’m so much happier and more myself now — I wish the same for you. My only comment is even though you are not the one who committed the infidelity and NOTHING can ever justify it, you should look within yourself for your role in your marriage’s demise. I did this and although I 100 percent stand behind my actions and who I am, I did identify what I would do differently when I found love again. That helped me heal. I wish you love and peace and a happy future.

  • comment avatar DenverMom November 20, 2014

    Thank you for sharing your story. I am going through something so similar: 18 years together, married 8 years, two kids (4.5 and 10 months when he moved out) and he is living with the other woman. I was at first in shock, then sad, mad and ashamed. I finally did get to a point four months in where I can talk to other people about it. As more of the truth comes out about his lies, I now feel a bit numb as we move through the divorce process. For me, I really don’t understand why people can’t just tell the truth…why couldn’t he come to me to tell me he was unhappy instead of confiding in another woman? While I am not yet to a point that Joy at Last is, I am hopeful that I will grow and learn from this and will ultimately be in a better place like she mentions in her comment. I wish you strength as you continue to work through all of this.

  • comment avatar Lisa James November 20, 2014

    I am so sorry to hear of this. I can truly hear the pain in your words. I’m crying as I am reading them. I am 3.5 monthis into this very situation. We were the couple everyone envied. We bragged that God was showing off when he brought us together. We were and I believe still are, soulmates. Yet my two beautiful daughters are left heartbroken. They would come to us when friends parents were going through a divorce and we promised them that this would never happen to our family! I am so very lonely and feel so betrayed. I am lost and don’t know where to turn next. Part of me believes that God will clear the “crazy fog” from his brain and he will come back. The other part of me believes he is gone forever. Friends and family have also been a huge support for me but nothing takes away the pain and betrayal. They say this will run it’s course – it’ll never work. He’s 23 years OLDER than she is! Yet I weep for my children, I weep for what our marriage once was …. a beautiful and perfect thing that is now gone.

  • comment avatar Been there November 20, 2014

    Hi ladiea. I feel your pain. I went thru this many, many years ago. In fact about 20ish years. My husband had an affair with my best friend. ?…or so I thought she was. We had no children. I know that part is different but, my dream was shattered too. I was late 20s and thought i may never have kids. What i can tell you is to get up each day and put one foot in front of the other and move forward. put yourself and your child first. My process went on a long time, they denied (she was married too!but with kids). I am pecking this out on a tablet so I cannot say all I want to but I can tell you, it gets better. It is ok to be alone for awhile. Enjoy your child. Enjoy what you want to. Getto know yourself. I am sure you are incredible. I saw 2 therapists, one for the initial grief then one later to help with my inner child and my screwed up past….childhood family. I now have an amazing husband of 14 years and 2 great kids. I have so much to be grateful for. You will come out stronger. TAke dating slowly. You will know when it is right. You will get thru this. For now, one day at a time.

  • comment avatar Been there November 20, 2014

    Oh and by the way, they did get arried and bring 3 more kids into the world. Guess what, he cheated on her …..after the same time frame we were together. They split up. And the saga continues. I am glad i am out of their world.

  • comment avatar andrea albershardt December 1, 2014

    I just don’t get your husband, what a mixed up bunch of shit for brains he has going on. hurts my heart reading your blog. why why why ? I stand by you you three, you four if he would have been there- but he isnt and even though you love him so, he is sick right now- so sick in the head. sorry dear E. from andrea

  • comment avatar andrea albershardt December 1, 2014

    I understand you will be able to read this privately. My note above is not very nice towards your husband, your blog was very good and touched my soul. I can cut him no slack in my heart or mind. I feel that is not right of me. His behavior and choices make me so angry, I am angry for your family unit. I am angry at him from the dreams I have for my family unit. I am angry at him for my reality and dreams of love and what he has taken for granted. I stand with you and by you and we open our home and hearts to you .

  • comment avatar Mypainhisguilt December 28, 2014

    Hi there, I stumbled across your link whilst googling about affairs this morning. Reading about your experience was like reading my own. I’m currently trying to get through the festive period for my two amazing boys, who know nothing of my husbands affair this past year. I’m devastated to the core and feel so confused about my future. My question to you (if you don’t mind sharing?) is what and how did you tell the children? I’m in two minds whether I should tell them their daddy has had another girlfriend this past year? My boys are 10&12yrs old and absolutely idolise their daddy. I don’t feel like my marriage has any future. I could be friends with my husband but I can’t get past the fact that he has been to bed with another woman. I trusted this man a million% and he has turned my world inside out. Take care and thank you for sharing your experience. Hugs xx

  • comment avatar Eryn Barker December 29, 2014

    Thanks for the comments, everyone. As far as telling the kids, we go with the generic, “Mommy and Daddy aren’t getting along and can’t live together” comment. Our kids are 6 and 2 though so it might be a little different. Our 6-year-old has a lot of questions about that and what it means and I answer as honestly as possible without telling her exactly what happened. There will definitely come a time when the kids want to know more specifics and will be old enough to digest the information. For now, I answer questions as they come up.

    I don’t know if this is the best way to do things, but it’s where we’re at right now.

  • comment avatar Mypainhisguilt December 30, 2014

    Thank you Eryn, I think this will be the same route we will take initially. I have asked my husband to move out to give me spAce to reflect. I’m so worried about telling the kids and feel like such a failure. I am trying to remain as strong as I can. I am now 2months along since I found out and the kids were very worried about me, I was a complete mess though and in a state of shock. It’s like a death! Take care Eryn and thanks again.

  • comment avatar Tami January 22, 2015

    I am feeling your pain.Dec 2nd I found out my partner of 18 years and two kids had been having an affair for 3 month.Does not want to reconcile with me.She is terribly mean to me as if I had the affair.Still lives here and wears a ring from this affair with her initial on it for my kids to see and they have asked what A stands for.No empathy.No consideration for our family or kids.Just doesn’t care.She made dinner for them here at our home and took it to her house tonight.Unbelieveable.She was a stay at home mom.I was breadwinner.I am staying here at the house.She wants to move out.She will have nothing.No job. No house. Spends overnights at affairs house then comes home like nothing happened.It is so painful. So confusing.Will not reconcile at all with me.She turned 50 in November and she’s nuts.Overnight she went from wonderful mother to not caring much about the kids.Her lack of empathy for any of us is so hurtful.She walks around singing love songs. I want my kids to know what her and this other woman did.But not sure if they should know that yet.I feel your feelings you have when you do sleep you wake up and get through the day for your kids.She’s so unreliable now I have had to take over home responsibilities and homework etc.It’s like a bad dream. How could someone do this to me and then I live the affair daily.I live it minute by minute.We are the hangout for our kids’ friends.We have great neighbors.Great home.Had it all.Now some woman blows in her ear once and she’s all in? The confusion I feel is unbearable.I cannot make sense of nonsense I know.But how can someone just flip a switch and leave their life that she gave up her career for.That she dedicated her life to our kids.Now she spends all of her time with the affair.As I lie to my kids about where she is and what she is doing.I am going to be strong for myself and my kids. I am not going to let her destroy me.I am not going to I will never figure out why but I will figure out how to move on and watch her as her life crumbles before her while I get to stay in our home and see my kids everyday.I will not let her take me away.I would love to keep in touch with you Eryn. I need support from those who understand our pain and defeat and lost dreams.But we will survive. We will be ok. And each night I am here with my kids I look at them and say to myself, I will never put the needs of myself first. I will always be here for you and I will stay strong. Tami

  • comment avatar Kate February 17, 2015

    I am so sorry for your pain. I can relate. My husband and best friend of 9 years had an affair in 2012. Somehow we are still together but to this day there is still pain. We still are plugging along in counseling and that has really helped both of us.
    My x best friend lives near and when I see her I still at times feel pain but time does heal and in a amazing way. Keep waking up with a positive attitude because that in it’s self helps. God has been my strength and he has been so good to me. My burdens and pain have been lifted by him and my pain is far less when I ask for his comfort. Each and every time I do he is there for me. HUGS!

  • comment avatar Going through the Pain March 4, 2015

    I am too going through the horrible pain of not knowing what to do with myself. For the past 9 months my husband became very distant each month that went by the further he detached emotionally. The loss of his affection, love, lack of wanting to do things with me withdrew from family and even his kids. When I first started to see the signs was in June, I asked to him to talk to me and tell me what was wrong but he would say nothing to me that everything was ok. This continued for about 3 weeks until I decided to review phone records and realized he had been talking to one of my friends(next door neighbor)the amount of times was 15-20 times a day when I was not around. The worst thing about this is she too is married and has family with children. I confronted him about this and told me they were just friends. I explained how uncomfortable it made me and asked him to stop, but of course it didn’t. She too knew how uncomfortable it was, as I had spoken to her about it as well. Well the phone calls decreased but now all they do is message each other and delete the messages so there is no evidence. His behavior became worse, he would carry his phone with him all the time, changed his passwords, and was very secretive about it. We tried to work on our relationship through the 9 months but he just became more distant and couldn’t even look me in the eyes anymore. He would tell me and still tells me he loves me and that we just need to work on be happy. Long story short this didn’t work. He has now moved out as he calls it a trial separation. It has been a month now that he has been gone, but I feel like he is more distant and the messaging is still continuing with this woman. I am a complete mess and don’t know what to do. I am completely in love with my husband and we have been together for 11 years and I just don’t want to let him go. He says he needs to time think through everything and that he loves me but just that right now he doesn’t know what he wants he is so confused. This woman is not going to leave her husband and her husband has no idea this is going on. He will not admit that they are talking they both have lied to my face, but I know they are. When I bring up the subject who completely deflects on the blame on me and becomes angry and frustrated and begins to insult me. I want our marriage to work, but I am at a loss right now. I want my husband back. Completely heartbroken

  • comment avatar Emma March 11, 2015

    Thank you for sharing your experience Eryn. I’m so sorry It can’t be worked out. Your timescales are almost identical to mine; I found out about my husband’s seven month affair last July. Never could I have anticipated the depths of trauma I experienced, pain and rage so intense it felt like it would have been easier to die than live through. We have three beautiful children aged ten and under and as far as I’m concerned he cheated on every one of us. We’re still together and his sense of shame and remorse is enormous and I do realise how deeply he regrets what he did. However we are a very long way from healed and it remains to be seen whether our relationship can survive the damage done in the long term. I wish you all the very best for the future.

  • comment avatar Alissa March 18, 2015

    I love your story it is identical to mine. The pain is excruciating and I can’t seem to move forward my crying is uncontrollabe. The only difference is that I have multiple sclerosis. I’ve been in love with this man for 30 years. We grew up together and I cherished him- I thought he felt the same. Will this feeling ever go away? I can’t survive like this— I just want the pain to go away. God bless you.

  • comment avatar G. Millt June 24, 2015

    I was drawn to your story the moment I read the title. My dream ended 19 days ago. That really sums it up, doesn’t it? The death of a dream… crazy how one person holds so much power over what our expectation for the future is. I had asked him many times over the last 6 months, in my gut I knew. I found the evidence 3 days before our 19th anniversary. The woman is one he worked with at the police department (oh ya, hes a detective- go figure)… so on the morning of our 19th wedding anniversary I took 362 collated pages (his 10,000 texts per month surpassed that of our 15 year old!) of cell phone bills/ texts/ etc with charts, graphs and every important event (including our daughter’s graduation) that he spent texting “her” clearly labeled and highlighted to the police department. I added a cover page outlining all of “her” friends and family contacts from Facebook (I had no intention of blowing her world up, simply to let her know that if she pushed it and caused my family to be destroyed, then hers would be too. He broke the vow to me, not her. But when she chose to be the other woman, she chose to be disposable should he want to end it). I went to surprise him for our anniversary. I told him I had to use the restroom before we left and proceeded to walk around the corner to her office, introduce myself, hand her envelope and said “this is for you”; I walked out the front door and didn’t look back. At the time it was like that scene from Fire-starter where the girl is walking away while everything was blowing up behind her, and it was quite a rush. He admitted the affair and ended it immediately. She was moving the following week and that was actually her second to last day- perfect timing! —Then, reality of the state of my life, my dream, hit and it has been the longest 2 weeks of my life… with a daughter leaving for the academy (your neck of the woods) in 2 weeks and another one starting her Jr. year in HS… its hard to just throw it all away. I know the affair was just a symptom of a bigger problem. Apparently he felt abandoned when I had to hold down a new job while he was going through some medical issues two years ago- yes- TWO years ago. Thank God I kept a journal and I tried to show him that he was wrong, how I had been there for him and been his advocate…now we are at some sort of bazaar standstill which is hell. He has been quite clear that even though he didn’t handle it correctly and that it was wrong to have the affair, he still has these feelings of resentment toward me for “abandoning” him. WOW… and my feelings are…what? I am writing this from a hotel room, I had to get away for a couple of nights or I was going to lose my mind. We are trying counseling, individually and as a couple. I’m not sure of what will happen next- which is the scariest thing of all. But either way, I know that there are others just like me who have survived. So I will toast you with my virtual wine glass, take a deep breath, and know that somehow, someway, I will wake up one day without thinking SH%^&… another day to suffer through.
    Cheers.

  • comment avatar CJ July 14, 2015

    I am in my second year of “oh shit” days. The divorce I never wanted is almost final. The stupid thing is I still miss my husband and I still feel married despite him living with his sycophant for the past 5 years. He still says he isn’t happy – but he won’t give us a second chance. His selfish nature has broken 2 families and changed the lives of 7 kids, yet he isn’t happy? How do I deal with this crazy man, father of my 3 children, and now stranger, for the rest of my children’s lives when the rules of life don’t seem to apply to him?

  • comment avatar Lynn August 14, 2015

    I just hit the 1 year mark yesterday. I feel the exact way you decribed. My husband has done most everything the books say, he started therapy the week he confessed, he took 3 polygraphs, he has always taken full responsibility for his actions. We had a set back about 2 months after his confession he lost his job suddenly and was unemployed for 3 months. Despite all that I am having one hell of a time doing what the books recommend for ME to do. I tried reading the 5 love language books, I feel like I don’t have one and I sure the hell don’t feel like meeting his. We have been together for 10 years, married for 6, he cheated on me when our son was 1 year old and had just been diagnosed with global delays. We each have older kids from previous marriages. We have been through so much, he is my best friend. I feel like I don’t have any friends, I try and be normal, I try and do normal things and I feel nothing. I don’t enjoy anything except hanging out with my kids. I feel like I have a sign on my back. I get invited to date nights with friends and don’t want to go because I don’t want to see happily married people, I don’t have the energy to pretend. Yesterday was 1 year since d day, he came home from therapy and thanked me…and I got pissed. He was thanking me for giving him a chance and it felt to me, like he was thanking me for being stupid. Because that is how I feel for staying. I feel like I’m a stupid girl who is going to forgive him just so he can turn around and do I again. Why can’t I do what the books say, why can’t I be the type of person. that can help heal our marriage after he cheated? BTW-I in Colorado too.

  • comment avatar Lauri November 17, 2015

    I am going through the same thing. Two weeks in and I feel like dying inside. My husband was a man of God and no one can believe this. People have cried with me. We have been married 19 years. I didn’t see it coming at all. One day I had a beautiful house, 3 amazing ternagers, a great job, and my husband who is everything to me. The next day I quit my job (we work at the same company but different departments) moved in with the preacher and his wife. One child went to live with my sister, one wanted to stay with her dad, and one with me. Now I am a part time mom and it’s hard to handle. My world has been rocked to the very core. I love him. I hate him. I feel rejected, abadoned, betrayed, and confused. It’s the most helpless feeling in the world. It is hell. I too have amazing support you are right it doesn’t take away the pain
    The pain is real and at times unbearable. We are communicating via text in regards to the kids. He makes demands as if he has a right. 2 weeks has felt like years. I am lost. I don’t know who I am without him. I don’t know anything anymore. I can’t believe this:(

  • comment avatar Olivia January 24, 2016

    I found out three months ago. We were together 19 years. He moved another (married) woman into his house. And I have subsequently found out that there were three other women, one I thought was my friend. The affairs go back seven years. I am stunned. I am in shock. Nineteen years of my life was a lie. I feel like I am walking underwater. I’ve lost 22 pounds. I look like hell warmed over. I am trying so hard to process this. What did I do to deserve this. Why didn’t he just leave if he was that unhappy? I cannot comprehend the lies that were told to me. I feel like a stupid, blind fool that I never saw this. How can a person who has professed their love for you for 19 years DO this, and have done this for seven years, and maybe even longer, who the hell knows. I just dont GET it.

  • comment avatar No name February 11, 2016

    What I find appalling is the two of them rubbing your face in it on Twitter!

  • comment avatar Katie March 7, 2016

    I’m 7 days post finding out about my husband’s cheating. It was so random how I found out that it was like the universe demanded it. I was so completely blind-sided and hurt. We have a two year old son. When I had to question him about it after stumbling on to the information his responses were that he just didn’t think beforehand about the pain he would cause and what he stood to lose. Yet he did this on several occasions. I always felt like something was off and he assured me all was fine which led me to think there was something happening with me. He say there and let me think I was going crazy. NOW he’s so sorry and so ashamed and aware of what he could lose and I’m in a complete fog. I’ve spent years trying to heal from growing up in a broken home with just one parent who was dealing with their own issues so much that they neglected their own children’s’ well being. And now I’m scared to death to have my son go through the same thing. We were such a good parenting team. I don’t know if I can even do this alone. Part of me says stay to give my son the childhood I never had but that feels wrong too. Nothing feels right. I thought we had this right. This was the last thing I ever would have thought we would have to deal with and I am having so much trouble just getting through the days and the nights. I don’t have any family or friends that I feel I can trust with this. I haven’t told anyone and I hate that I’m so alone. He starte counseling right after he got caught but I don’t understand why he can make that a priority now. Why didn’t he seek counseling before he did this?! And I’m just supposed to wait while he establishes a therapeutic relationship with this guy and they resolve a lifetime of issues stemming from his early childhood before I know of we’re going to be able to save our marriage?