15 (Funny) Ways to Make Infant Simulators the Real Deal
posted by: Christina Antus
Home economics didn’t prepare me for motherhood. I’ve never sewn any aprons or pillows. I don’t sift flour. The closest I’ve ever come to baking biscuits is making a run to Krispy Kreme. The curriculum should’ve taught me how to clean vomit off my child’s favorite lovey bear at 3 a.m. That’s useful.
The whole child development portion of home economics was the most useless, because it involved egg babies. This is kind of misleading since eggs don’t need to be changed, burped, fed or otherwise interacted with. We had to blow the yolk out of the egg—because having a baby is pretty much like this—then construct a homemade container to carry it around in. Ultimately preventing the eggshell from cracking or breaking.
I maternally packed my eggshell in cotton balls and Kleenex inside a solid small Tupperware container. With a lid. To test drive its durability, I tossed it around the kitchen a few times. When the container passed quality control I threw it in my backpack where it rode around with my books until class. It never broke. In fact I’m 98% sure that eggshell is still packed in its Tupperware container in my parent’s attic.
Of course I would never do that with my real children, they probably wouldn’t fit into Tupperware anyway. I’ve never actually tried. I haven’t been able to find most of my Tupperware since my oldest discovered that cabinets open to a magical world of things that don’t belong to her—the Narnia of BPA free storage containers.
These days students have Infant Simulators. It’s supposed to be an opportunity to experience what the responsibility of having a “real baby” is like. Sadly, it’s not any more educational to the realities of parenthood than toting around what could’ve easily been your breakfast, in a construction paper basket.
Electronic babies cry for care at all hours, day and night–until the caregiver determines if baby needs feeding, burping, rocking, diapering.
Real Babies cry for care at all hours, day and night. Even after you’ve taken steps to determine what baby needs, you’ll likely have to continue repeating all these steps. For four months.
Electronic Babies come equipped with a unique wireless ID to ensure accountability.
Real Babies come equipped with a unique wireless ID to ensure accountability. It’s called, crying.
Electronic Babies record their surrounding temperature, including when temperatures vary from safe zone.
Real Babies let you know if they are too hot or too cold, by crying.
So, as much as I appreciate the efforts of modern technology, it’s just not enough. Make me a robot baby that can actually give me a run for my money. One that will leave me bleary eyed and unable to function after several cups of Red Bull injected espresso. Give me an electronic baby that doesn’t sleep and:
- Projects a gallon of spit-up in your face at 2:00 a.m.
- Shoots poop as far up as your ear during a diaper change.
- Has colic.
- Has a ridiculously wobbly neck.
- Cluster feeds.
- Needs baths.
- Gets very slippery during baths.
- Wiggles, while being very slippery, during baths.
- Cries very loudly during baths.
- Produces a record amount of dirty diapers in a relatively short amount of time.
- Sleeps with their eyes open at 3am, while making noises you’ve only heard in a George Romero film.
- Has an umbilical cord stump.
- Has so many neck rolls you have to clean milk and spit up residue out of each one.
- Gets diaper rashes.
Give me an electronic baby that does all that, then you can call it a realistic experience. Until then, it’s just a glorified egg baby. That can cry. And record how long you’ve kept it locked inside Tupperware.
Christina lives in Denver with her husband, two daughters and fat cat. She has been featured on the Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop, Scary Mommy, What the Flicka and recently added: “first-place winner in the 2013 Boulder Writers’ Workshop Comedy Writing Contest,” to her list of accomplishments—it’s above changing a diaper with only one hand and answering the same question 147 times in a single minute. You can find her cleaning cracker crumbs and socks out of the fish tank at: raisinsandgoldfish.com.