Annual Crafting Extravaganza Causes Annual Ulcer
posted by: Amber Johnson
It’s the time of year again that my husband Jamie dreads. That time when I become delusional and somehow forget that I cannot do crafts. That I have never been able to do crafts and I never will be able to do crafts.
Every year, the female members of my church gather for Super Saturday (or Fabulous Friday) in an event that can only be described as Martha Stewart on Steroids.
This year, I recruited my creative and craft-loving 9-year-old daughter to assist me which, in incompetent craft terms, means do it for me. For the first time ever, we had a wonderfully bonding experience as we learned how to decorate cupcakes and paint darling decorative blocks for the holiday.
A few years ago, I wasn’t so lucky. The classes included photography, dutch oven, bread making and fondue classes, Thanksgiving and Christmas crafts, 72-hour kits and general miscellaneous sessions perfectly constructed to send me over the edge.
I signed up to make some cute wooden pumpkins, quiet folders for the kids when we’re at church and winter hats.
I easily painted the pumpkins and left them to dry. I then went over to the station to make quiet folders. It was supposed to be simple. The first task consisted of note cards with beautiful oil paintings. All I needed to do was take them to the library to be laminated, cut them out, hole punch them and attach them to a ring for the kids to flip through.
I got as far as getting them laminated and then became enveloped in the throes of making other quiet folders (because I am the queen of multi-tasking). This craft required me to print off various pages from an activity book and then color, cut out, laminate, cut out again, glue, apply magnets and well, I don’t know what happened beyond that because I never got past Step 1.
The coloring process was labor-intensive. I had multiple pages to try to crank out and I was in grade school the last time I competed in the Coloring Olympics. After half an hour with little progress, I started to panic.
It started when Jesse, one of the 12-year-old girls I teach at church, asked for a ride home. I agreed–but with with a condition that involved scissors. Her brother needed a ride, too. He was relegated to coloring. My neighbor Sadie was next, along with my daughter Hadley.
Even with all my help, we did not complete our coloring pages before the laminator ran out. I would have to finish the project on my own time which, let’s face it, is never going to happen.
I was frazzled and tired when I arrived at my final station to make winter hats for the kids. I stopped in my tracks when I saw the arch nemesis of every non-crafter: sewing machines. I spotted my friend’s 11-year-old daughter Whitney working on her own hat and offered to give her $5 to make mine.
It was the best $5 I ever spent
When I limped through the door several hours later, Jamie informed me that my domestic goddess mother had called while I was out. I inwardly groaned–my crafting failures assuredly keep her up at night. Jamie said he mentioned to her I was at Fabulous Friday. My mom’s response?
Her words. Not mine.
Though I have to concur that is exactly where I was.
So, let’s hear it: Are you a crafting aficionado or failure?