Never in my wildest dreams did I ever imagine I would ever have to introduce someone, who was not even close to sober, what the potty is and how it’s used.

The closest I get in experience is our cat, but we never had to tell the cat what the toilet was or ask her if she had to go potty. We just put her in the bathroom with the litter box and closed the door for an hour. What she did with her time in there was completely up to her whether it was actually using the litter box for its intended purpose or exploring it by building a few sand castles. If we left our child in a room for an hour with nothing but sand and a box we’d open the door to discover she had remodeled the entire room with her poop and eaten half of the sand.

So far I’ve learned two things when it comes to potty training a person. The first thing is that fun underwear is a plus because your child will want to wear them everywhere. Usually on their head. With cowboy boots. The second thing is that basic toilet introductions with a toddler can be awkward and uncomfortable for all parties involved; and by all parties I mean you, the child, the toilet and the cat and here’s why:

• You will realize that using the bathroom is no longer a private matter for you, your child, the cat or the lady behind you at the grocery store. You will talk about bodily functions with the same enthusiasm as party planning because you are trying to sell the idea to your child that using the potty is so much fun and exciting and rewarding.

• Your child will be moderately traumatized by the fact that they have to sit on a chair with a hole the size of a meteor crater directly below them and that at any moment they can and will fall, bottom first, into the pool of water where they will undoubtedly be sucked into a vast abyss of nothingness.

• Your toilet will realize that many items that are not supposed to be in it will be dropped and flushed upon immediate realization that the potty has features. That function. This includes an obscene amount of toilet paper.

• Your cat will realize that your child will eventually understand the concept: everyone poops. Your child will find this fascinating. Your cat probably won’t.

I’ve done some research and found that no method really works for any one child when it comes to potty training. So I do what any sane adult would do, I ask her if she has to go; this is helpful if your end goal is to toss around the word potty for no real reason. Chances are your child probably already went on their toy box ten minutes after you removed their diaper; of course you won’t discover this until you sit down on it to take a quick rest.

Overall I think my journey to potty training my child has started successfully.  I mean, I’ve increased my amount of laundry by three times; which is fine because I was running out of things to do anyway.

Christina is a stay-at-home mom who lives near Denver with her husband, two daughters and a cat who’ll never forgive her for having children. You can find her lurking around at: www.christinaincolorado.com