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15 things that I never said before I had kids

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There are a lot of things my husband and I talk about now that we never did before having kids. There are reasons why this happens long after the first infatuation.

Example One [takes place at the present time]: 

Him: What’s that on your shirt?

Me: Poop.

I can say this as if having fecal material on my clothes is the most normal thing in the world and all he does is ask me who I think will win tomorrow evening’s football game.

Example Two [takes place during the very first date]

Him: What’s that on your shirt?

Me: Poop.

There wouldn’t be a first example because there never would have been a second date.

My point is that having kids makes you more comfortable talking about things that you never would have discussed with anyone but your doctor, if that. Before kids you certainly never ran around asking your friends if they pooped today. Or maybe you did. I never did.

In addition to taboo topics, after having kids you find yourself saying a lot of weird things you’ve never had to say to anyone else. That’s because all kids are without limits. They are new and the world is theirs to discover so they need simple guidance in the right direction and that includes being told that boogers aren’t for eating.

Here’s a list of 15 things that I never said before I had kids:

 1. Did you poop?

2. Please take your finger out if your nose.

3. Please take your finger out of the baby’s nose.

4. Please take your finger out of my nose.

5. If you write on Grandpa again I’m going to take the pen away.

6. Lotion is not for eating.

7. Yay!

8. Use your words.

9. Please don’t touch the cat’s bottom.

10. Do you want ketchup on your potato chips again?

11. Was her poop mushy or hard?

12. Geesh. How long is this booger?

13. Please don’t eat the crayons.

14. That’s yucky.

15. It’s 9 p.m. I get to go to bed! Yay!

Christina recently moved to Denver from Portland, Oregon. She enjoys writing as a hobby – usually in 2-3 minute increments – often on her phone – generally while hiding in the closet. She lives with her husband, two daughters and a cat who’ll never forgive her for having children.

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  • comment avatar Amber Johnson November 29, 2012

    OK, this was fun. Such a long list I can’t even keep track. My husband’s favorite catch-phrase: “THERE IS NO CRYING IN SOCCER!”

    Mine range from “Please don’t stand on the counter,” to “your brother is not a ping pong ball.”

  • comment avatar Nancy November 29, 2012

    Anything involving bodily functions like you mentioned above.

    And “don’t make me count to 3!”

  • comment avatar Amy November 29, 2012

    Please, take the dinosaur out of your mouth and then you can see the skunk.

  • comment avatar MileHighDad November 29, 2012

    Coming in at number 1 on my list:
    “Get your fork out of your nose!”

  • comment avatar jennswondering December 5, 2012

    I recently blogged about this myself. It is great for a laugh. Here were a few things I heard myself say in November.

    At the older boy’s school:
    “No you may not pee there. There are video cameras, and you still have to get in.”

    At a restaurant with a buffet:
    “Carrying slabs of bacon across a restaurant without a plate is really bad manners. Don’t do it again.”

    To my third grader:
    “How is it possible to brush your teeth well and still have cream cheese all over your face?”

    Getting ready for tae kwan do:
    “I don’t care if you hate them. You are wearing underwear to tae kwan do. No one should have to be your partner and see your pee every time they do a sit-up.”

    To the older boys after the youngest got in trouble at school:
    “Preschoolers get in trouble when they tell ‘Yo Mama’ jokes at school.”

  • comment avatar Tricia December 5, 2012

    “The bathtub is not for dancing.”

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