The Blind Leading the Blind: How Did YOU Survive Toddler Tantrums?
Two parents. Two educated, intelligent, common-sense-having parents. In a matter of minutes they are transformed from knowing a thing or two about life and encompassing the ability to problem solve, into two bumbling fools without a clue about how to handle the antics of a toddler.
My husband and I recently suffered the worst tantrum to date. I’m starting to wonder when we will have a peaceful dinner again. We put our son’s dinner in front of him which consisted of a turkey hot dog, some cheese, and some rice with black beans and peas. All things that he has eaten and loved in the past. The hot dog and cheese are always the first things to go. Once they are gone he does his sign for “more” and “please” even though he still has a plate of food in front of him. He does not want his rice, beans, or peas all he wants are his hot dog and cheese. So we explain to him that he can’t have more until he eats some of the other stuff. This evokes a tantrum. He throws his sippy cup on the floor, he shakes his head and flings his arms around when offered the remaining food on his plate.
At this point Hubby and I aren’t in full desperation mode we simply begin trying different tactics. I think maybe he doesn’t like a spoonful of rice, beans and peas. Maybe he would prefer his foods to be separate. So I separate some peas off to the side and miraculously he eats a couple! Did I just crack the code??? Is the tantrum over??? Nope. That was just a blip to tease his ‘ole ma. The crying got worse and at this point there was no calming him down. So… we put him in his crib, shut the door and let him cry it out for a solid 45 minutes.
Some of you may be thinking, “What’s the big deal?” “The kid likes hot dogs and cheese so give him more hot dogs and cheese.” “He will be happy and you can get on with dinner!”
I hear ya, but if we do that what are we really teaching him? I don’t care that he is only 14 months old, he is smart enough to know what it takes to get a rise out of Mom and Dad and what it takes to get his way. We can’t cater to his every whimper. He needs vegetables and he needs to eat what we have in front of him for dinner. We are not going to make him multiple items in one night until we find the one he likes. He needs to learn the “house rules.”
At least that is what we are attempting to do. My explanation may sound like we are hard a$$es and our approach of letting him cry it out may seem a bit rough but overall it was what Hubby and I decided was best.
The truth is, although we decided it was the best thing to do we still have no clue if we are doing any of it right. Did we handle it correctly? Is there something else we could have done to accomplish the same thing? It wasn’t easy.
Of course as my son is screaming his head off because he is upset I instinctively want to “make it better.” I WANT to give him hot dogs and cheese. I WANT him to be happy. But my husband helps me to see that in the long run I’m really NOT helping him by always giving him what he wants. I definitely had tears in my eyes as he cried for 45 minutes straight. That was just as hard on us as it probably was for our son. Hubby and I are also trying to get on the same page when it comes to disciplining. We both want the same end result but there are times when we both think there is a better way to get there. Or what’s worse is when one or both of us has no clue.
The blind leading the blind.
But thankfully we always talk through it and find a common ground that works for us both.
We all survived that latest tantrum. Our strong-willed toddler finally calmed down and when he did he was put back in his high chair and he was given the rest of his hot dog only because he was no longer throwing a fit. (sigh) Now if only I can track down the “How to be a Perfect Parent Manual.” It is out there somewhere, isn’t it???
Kendra is a full-time working mom to a precocious toddler and wife to her long-time sweetheart. They are expecting their second baby in January. At My Full-Thyme Life she writes about the attempts at balancing her cherished roles as wife, mom and key employee. Find her on Twitter at https://twitter.com/myfullthymelife
Ha! It’s funny because my daughter threw HORRIBLE tantrums (fortunately, rarely in public) and my son rarely/never threw them. To this do, she’s waaaaay more dramatic/high-strung and he’s still easy-going.
For the record 3s were waaaaaay worse than the Terrible 2s.
Ha! Then I’m REALLY in for it if he’s going strong at 1 1/2!!! Hold me.
I remember our first child’s first major tantrum. It was on Halloween. She was the cutest 15mo ballerina ever. We went to the mall to trick-or-treat, so excited. It went well until we tried to put her back into her stroller. Something inside of her snapped and she shrieked and bucked and thrashed. We had no idea what to do and people were staring (which made it even worse.)
Finally, we got an apple juice from the food court and she shut it off like a faucet. I wondered where we had gone wrong, how was she so spoiled, what the heck had we gotten ourselves into, she was going to go joyriding in a stolen car at age 13 and run away at 17 to join a band, etc…?
So much seemed to be riding on those early tantrums. I’ve since learned, being on our eighth toddler, that when they have tantrums, the best thing to do is to be calm, to NOT try to reason with them because they are inherently unreasonable people until much older, remove them from the situation, cuddle somewhere neutral and away from the conflict, and know it’s not forever.
Toddlers don’t need your reasons for eating dinner or wearing shoes. They just need to know they’re safe when their emotions get scary. It has to be scary to experience their own anger, sadness, frustration for the first few times.
Also, Amber is right. 3 is the worst age for tantrums, but they say and do the cutest things at 3 so it all evens out.
Thanks for this, Gretchen! You are absolutely right about reasoning with them, it does no good but it’s hard when that is what you want to do instincively as a parent. Especially a first time parent. Wow, eight toddlers!! You are my new hero! I appreciate your advice and comments.
Sounds like my skiddles. My girls are still very dramatic and emotional, and my son is pretty easy and tough. I WILL SURVIVE
Yes you will!
Can we follow this with Kindergartner battle of the wits?! I recently saw behaviors I only associated with teenagers!
Yikes! Don’t you love that about kids??? Once we think we’ve mastered a particular phase or age, they go and grow up on us throwing a wrench in what we’ve just gotten a handle on! It sounds like you’re telling me no matter what age there is always some level of drama.
Kendra, a great book to help you with these tantrums and other parenting challenges is Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood by Charles and Jim Fay. It has saved my sanity many times!
And Cristi, my boys having been sharing their teen behaviors since kindergarten, too. It’s amazing when you realize they’ve had those behaviors all along, they are just exacerbated by hormones as teenagers. If we can help them manage them early, they should be easier as teens, right?
Love Gretchen’s advice of staying calm and not trying to reason with them until they are calm – works for every age, even grown ups.
Thanks for the recommendation, Lisa! I’ve heard that one is a gem. I’ll have to check it out for sure.
A few of my ways of dealing? I have learned to choose my battles wisely. I can be quite stubborn and really beat myself up over every single little tiny rule I had made for my daughter when she was a toddler. I eventually learned that dealing with/investing time in correcting behavior in relation to things that were genuinely important (i.e. eating her vegetables
rather than forcing her to wear a dress (she won’t touch them to this day and I just accepted that she’s wildly uncomfortable in them) was the healthiest approach for her sanity and more importantly, mine.
I also have always reminded myself of what cognitive level she is at during a specific stage of her life (and would research the subject so I had the tools). I would think to myself “Can she actually understand what I’m saying to her or am I just speaking gibberish to an incoherent toddler?” Children obviously have a different brain at different ages and sometimes I would tend to forget her actual comprehension. I would catch myself trying to reason with a flailing, exhausted 2 year old and it would just make things worse. It always has helped to come to her level mentally and simplify my communication when she would be throwing a fit. I saved the intellect for when she was calm and happy.
She’s now nine and I still use these tactics (when she gets really upset and starts crying hysterically, I simplify our communication and when I do it calmly, it’s pretty helpful).
Now I have a 6 month old. I’m sure it will be much different this time around!
Every kid has their own challenges.
Thanks, Natalie! These are all very good points and some helpful tips.