Baby’s Gender: To Find Out or Not To Find Out?
I recently attended a darling little girl’s 1st birthday party. It was pretty surreal to meet two other moms with one child around my son’s age and one on the way, all due close to the same day as me! Crazy! As we started chit-chatting the topic turned to finding out the sex of the baby. Did they find out the first time and would they be finding out the second time? Out of the three of us, I was the only one who had found out and is planning to find out the sex with my current pregnancy.
Here’s where it got tricky… One of the moms confidently stepped upon her proverbial soap box and didn’t come down until she had declared why NOT finding out is so much better than the alternative. She wasn’t saying things like, “I just feel…” or “for us, this is what worked best.” No, she was stating very firmly that not finding out the sex until delivery is how it should be done. She didn’t feel that there was any surprise or excitement over finding out in the ultrasound room.
I explained that my husband and I just couldn’t wait and we were both giddy with excitement for our ultrasound. Once the technician told us it was a boy we clenched even tighter our already gripped hands, shed a tear, and while hugging whispered to each other, “congratulations.” It was so special… FOR US. That may not sound at all exciting or special to you and guess what, that’s great!
I couldn’t get over this gals approach to a topic that has no “right or wrong” tied to it in any way. She continued on to explain how frequently technicians get the sex wrong and stated how she didn’t know why people find out in the first place. She explained that people get their hopes up for one gender and when they find out at the ultrasound they are setting themselves up for disappointment. Oi. This was about the time I wanted to walk away from this conversation all together. And that’s just what I did!
If I was more of a confrontational person I may have had the guts to tell her there is nothing wrong with “hoping” for a specific gender. It doesn’t make you a bad person or parent. Some of us envision our family looking a certain way, so what! I have known many people that ended up with the opposite of what they were “hoping” for and I never once heard them express a shred of disappointment! Once they found out they embraced their gift and knew it was meant to be. There is no shame in hoping for a specific gender, it’s human nature.
Additionally, there is no shame in wanting to find out the sex before delivery AND there is nothing wrong with waiting either. This is a personal option for expecting parents to make. With all of the other issues exposing parents to harsh criticism and judgement, I feel that this topic is far from debatable. I also don’t understand how this mom had the audacity to declare that finding out during the ultrasound doesn’t hold the same luster as waiting. She had only done it ONE WAY! How can you have a successful argument if you don’t consider both sides. Writing Arguments 101 taught me that in college!
It still gets my blood pumping just thinking about it! Only because it was so ridiculous. I have strong opinions about things but I’m not the type of person to shove it down people’s throats. Especially to people that I don’t even know and especially not about decisions that are so personal and special to the parties that are making them. Since becoming a mom I’ve discovered there are so many things to debate, scrutinize and judge each other about. It really is a shame because we are all in this together. As parents we are presented with similar joys and triumphs, obstacles and dilemmas and although we may address them differently there still exists a commonality. So lets be kind to one another and although it is perfectly fine to disagree with the decisions of other people, be mindful of when and with whom you decide to vent about it.
Did you find out the sex of your baby? If you are pregnant will you find out? What are your reasons to wait or to find out at the ultrasound?
Kendra’s blog My Full-Thyme Life is about being a full-time working mom to a precocious toddler and how she attempts to balance her life as a wife, mom, and key employee.
I totally did because I’m a planner and needed to know. Plus, my baby showers were pointless without knowing the gender–I needed clothes. And not generic yellow and green ones.
I’m totally fine with people waiting, though it can get a bit frustrating if they have their shower before in knowing what to get. My take: wait to find out, then have your shower and get everything you need. I think it’s fun to find out the baby’s gender at birth…makes it even more exciting. If you can wait that long.
Amber, I’m the same as you. A planner by nature and the idea of waiting to find out the sex was just too much for me! Plus, you really can’t find as much gender neutral clothes these days. Thanks for the comment!
We found out . I left the decision up to my husband and I’m glad I did. Not only was it exciting to learn we were having two girls but it was a great bonding experience for both of us – especially my husband (and our extended families). Like you pointed out whatever you decide it’s your decision to make, not others. Either way I imagine there is a lot of excitement in the room. Nice job Kendra!
Thanks, Margaret! You make a great point about the bonding experience between you and your husband. That is how I felt as well!
We found out the sex in the ultrasound room and it was extremely special! I think it is a nice reward to give yourself after the first half of pregnancy and to look forward to the second. We also named him before he was born and shared it with people. That, I would not do again. People are so judgemental. I’m sorry if you had a neighbor named Mitchell that you didn’t like. We did not. My best friend is not finding out the sex of her baby due in the end of August. She said she did not want gender specific gifts so she could use everything again for the second one. Fine. As mature adults, and especially as parents, to each their own!
Hear, hear! Nicely said, Page!
P.S. – Not telling people the name was definitely one thing I’m so glad we did. You are right, people are super judgemental and it sucks. I couldn’t bring myself to share a name that I loved and either see through the fake expression on their face as they say, “ooohhh, how nice.” Or deal with stupid comments. Plus that did give the extended family something to get excited about since everyone new the sex!
We found out with both our boys and it was a good thing because we were absolutely convinced they were girls!!
I know people who’ve done it both ways and everyone seems equally excited when they find out whether it is at the ultrasound or birth. I’ve also known families who were set on their baby being one gender and finding out early gave them time adjust mentally.
I’m saddened to hear how the mom at your party treated you. I’m guessing she’s experienced some pressure to find out the gender of her baby or negative reactions to the fact that she isn’t. Sadly, her response to become extremely narrow-minded about this topic has led you (and certainly others) to experience the same judgment she may have. Good for you for stepping away from the conversation and staying true to yourself.
Thanks, Lisa. I’m also saddened by that mom because she wasn’t letting something so harmless remain a personal decision for parents to make. That is funny you were convinced you were having girls! We are hoping for another boy and we will be finding out next week. Of course if it is a girl we will be thrilled but you make a very good point about being able to mentally adjust. I’m very excited!
We found out because I wanted to be prepared
both times 
We did because I was in graduate school at the time and was reading some interesting research on the positive effects of an ultrasound/gender identification on paternal attachment.
I would love to hear more about that reasearch!! Is it something I can find online?
I love to shop and wanted to know which sex I was shopping for! Plus it makes choosing a name easier.
I agree! Hubby and I haven’t even started with names for #2 yet because we are waiting for that ultrasound. It makes it so much easier!
No, we wanted to enjoy the element of surprise and not have any preconceived ideas or notions. I wouldn’t change a thing. Next time ’round, I’ll do the same.
Good for you! I truly admire the will power of people who can wait. I just don’t have it in me!
I felt knowing the gender helped myself and my husband become attached to the babies, particularly our second. I’d been calling her Hades until our 15 week gender ultrasound.
I’d love to hear why you chose Hades for a nickname! Killer morning sickness? We called our first Agmar. Trust me, you don’t want to know! Let’s just say my husband got it from an obscure character from Lord of the Rings. Nerd alert!!
We are currently calling #2, Peanut.
To each their own, right? Some people MUST find out, some prefer the surprise. For those that want to be surprised but also don’t want a bunch of gender neutral, yellow and green stuff, there is an online baby registry just for you so you can register or buy some gender-specific items before your baby is born. It’s called Not Finding Out. The inventory is paired into girl and boy counterparts so you register for the little onesie you want, you just don’t know if you’re getting the girl or boy version. If you have a baby shower, your guests who bought you a Not Finding Out gift will bring you a wrapped Preview Card that shows both the girl and boy version of the item they bought you. No one ones what you’re having, and the delivery room surprise is safe! As soon as your baby is born, the gender-specific gift is shipped directly to you. Very fun! Thought I would weigh in here to let y’all know about Not Finding Out bc it does help with the planning for those that want to preserve the surprise and wait to find out.
Thanks for the info! What a great idea! I have never heard of that site before.