Single Mom Truths (and Challenges)
As much as I feel privileged to have time alone with my daughter after a long day of work and school, I dread walking through the door to an empty home.
As much as I am proud that I can financially and practically care for her on my own, I am often just as resentful that I have to sacrifice being with her to make it possible.
As much as I feel giddiness and purpose in seeing her dimpled-smile, I feel emptiness experiencing it alone.
As much as I am proud that she is adaptive, I feel guilty that she is because she has had to be so many times.
As much as I want to cook and clean and nest as mothers do, I don’t feel the kind of gratification and happiness I think I would if I were also doing it for and with a lover whose mutual love for our family makes us stronger.
As much as it makes me proud and feels surreal to say “my daughter,” I want to say “our daughter.”
As much as I am fulfilled and at peace that she is so loved and loving, I am sad that she may never experience a father’s love.
As much as I look forward to spending time with her whenever possible, I am terrified of the weekends when I will most feel the void of not having a partner to lean into as she hits milestones, plays in the backyard at barbeques, or sees the ocean for the first time.
As much as I know I can handle this on my own with God’s grace and our village of support, there isn’t a single day that passes when I don’t choke on the loneliness, stress, and fears of raising a daughter by myself.
As much as I know I’ll one day look back at these years as that sacred time I bonded with my daughter without the added pressures of a relationship, I can’t stop the depression from paralyzing me every time I wake up.
As much as it is difficult to admit these feelings, it is necessary, because if my daughter doesn’t sometimes see the struggle, she can’t fully experience the depths of my love.
And as much as I don’t want to feel sorry for myself or teach her to do the same, I want her to see the healing that can come from being vulnerable — not just for herself, but for others who may feel the same way.
Guest blogger Katie Rahill is a single-mother, small business-owning, risk-taking over-hyphenater. She launched www.hobomom.com as a place and means to cope with the stresses and privileges of single-parenting. The blog represents the more personal, creative and vulnerable side of her personality while her professional life (running a legal consulting and staffing firm keeps her grounded in reality and paying bills. Contact her at Katie@HoboMom.com.