Answer the following as honestly as possible. Choose A or B as you think about life before he went missing.

1. When backing out of your driveway in recent weeks or months, you’d notice your Gnome...

a. Silent and still, but you knew he was thinking, “Goodbye, Friends!”
b. Stubbornly avoiding eye contact

2. Have there been any surprise financial shortfalls lately?

a. No, everything appears to be in order
b. Yes, my purse/wallet has been missing a few small bills

3. Look at your phone bill. Are there calls you cannot account for?

a. You, or someone authorized by you, made every call
b. There are several mysterious calls to a number in Kruunupyy, Finland

4. Your Gnome’s social circle

a. Was limited to the small and cheerful ceramic rabbit that lives near the rock roses
b. Has grown recently to include a battered pink flamingo and a cheeky looking hummingbird pinwheel, neither you recognize

5. Describe your laptop

a. Accounted for at all times and relatively clean—are those Cheeto crumbs?
b. Turned up in odd places and had mud and grass caked between the keys

6. Your Gnome’s grooming practices

a. Remained consistent—sprinkler showers were enough to keep his beard smooth, white, and long and his face clean
b. You found a teeny sample-sized can of AXE Dark Temptation in a nearby flower barrel

7. Hopes and dreams: Did he have any?

a. Other than bringing a friendly sparkle to the garden, living amongst the asters, mums, and peonies? No.
b. Sometimes, late at night, you’d hear a small, thickly-accented voice singing Kelly Clarkson’s hit song “Breakaway”

8. Did you find a note where he used to stand?

a. No
b. Yes

9. If you answered Yes to #8, what did it say or depict?

a. It turned out to be a sun-bleached ad for gutter cleaning with 1950s clip art of a handy man holding a wrench in one hand and a martini in the other
b. It had song lyrics, hearts (some broken), and amateurish poetry about how pointy red hats cannot hide pointy pain

10. Your nosy neighbor came over to ask…

a. How much you paid for your new patio furniture
b. Why a cab came to your house at 2am last night

If you answered mostly As and your Gnome is missing, he has most likely been stolen and you will never see him again. Try not to imagine drunken teenagers loading him with fireworks.

If you answered mostly Bs and your Gnome is missing, he left on his own volition. Travelocity commercials will break your heart for the rest of your life. Is it HIM? You’ll never know.

P.S. I answered mostly As.