Someday, Our Kids Will Blog About How Their Moms Blogged About Them
Scene: Typical state university dorm room of 2022—poster of Kermit the Frog, lava lamp, mini stainless steel fridge, UN flag round out the decor. A group of freshman students lounge on the beds and floor. They pass around an Xtreme Red Bull Brand Pomegranate and Ultraviolet Baby Leaf Tea Wine Cooler with DHA and ARA and a candy cigarette. We join the conversation in media res.
Blayden: Steve or Joe?
Emmayden: Joe! Mr. Noodle or Mr. Noodle’s brother, Mr. Noodle?
Poppy: Totally Mr. Noodle. Did you hear Mr. Noodle died when his head exploded after eating too many pieces of popcorn chicken? It’s too bad they had to stop making them.
Joel: Yeah. When I was like four-years-old that was all I ate.
Cecilia: Me too!
Joel: I think my mom probably wrote about it on her blog. Like everything else.
Hannah-Savannah: Tell me about it. My mom had like five blogs.
Joel: My mom had one, then three, then one again, then two. I bet there are still blogs out there she has hasn’t updated in fifteen years.
Savannah-Montana: Did she have a digital camera?
Joel: Of course. By the time my baby sister, Beatrix, was born we probably had over 10,000 pictures on our computer. My mom loved her camera. I remember one afternoon, about 15 years ago, when she took like thirty pictures of a piece of cake from all different angles. I asked her why she was taking pictures of cake. She mumbled something about how she could bake something pretty, put it on a pretty plate, and put it on her pretty blog. What a Bushhead!
Zippy Boy: My mom used my pseudonym on her blog so much, she forgot my actual name.
The group sighs in unison
Joel: Well, my mom used my actual name. Please don’t GoogleHoo it! I’m never going to get a date. Or a job. I was almost kidnapped by a group of rogue clowns when she wrote a disparaging post about them. Hey, pass that cigarette. I hope the RA doesn’t smell the sugar from under the door.
Poppy: I gotta go. I haven’t checked my stats in over ten minutes.
Savannah-Montana: Me too.
The students rise and exit. Joel remains. A phone rings. Joel takes a small phone out of his pocket.
Joel: Oh, hi Mom. (pause) I love you too.
I also joke my blog posts will serve as evidence for their future therapy sessions.
Ha ha! Love it.
What comes after college? A book deal, perhaps? “No Place to Hide: Reflections on a Childhood Blogged,” by Joel Lastname.
Funniest (and perhaps most prescient) thing I’ve read in a long time!
I’m going to link here on my post, later today.
Now I know. When I see “Gretchen” I shouldn’t be sipping coffee. Bad for the screen!
I’m somewhat betting on the fact that blogs will be so old hat by the time my kids are in college, no one will care anymore.
I mean, I never went back and read all the comments in my parents’ yearbooks or hoped to find their journals.
Right? (Nervous laughter.)
hi-larious (though it hits a little too close to home).
Honestly, this mostly scares me! And I thought I was worried about my parents finding my blog . . . but my children?
HELP . . . !!
What if the kid whose mom DOESN’T blog is the one who ends up traumatized?
They end up in therapy – feeling lost, without identity, because they don’t have a detailed, light-hearted epic about their growing up years? Poor kid, he’ll have to rely upon his own memory!
I was at a dinner last night where the adults were making fun on bloggers for just this… “Oh, it’s such a gorgeous day out, I must go take some pictures with my high-pixel camera and upload them and blog about it RIGHT NOW!” I didn’t dare admit to being one of them…
I remember this! I got a good laugh from it reading it again. Clever and witty. My favorite part is Zippy Boy where his mom used his pseudonym so much she forgot his real name hahaha!
ARGH.
- Sarah
http://www.imaginarybinky.com
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