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Marriage’s Great Deceptions

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On behalf of Mile High Mamas, welcome back!

After a wonderful, relaxing Christmas “it” occurred on December 26th – the day I confirmed that maybe I am not losing my mind. And for anyone who has ever been there, lost that, you know exactly what I mean.

Case #1:

My favorite cookie sheet has been missing for months. A sturdy, heavy-duty hunk of metal that has been the conduit through which I have brought many calorie-filled wonders into being. And into my being.

I have greatly mourned its loss. My husband Jamie has known about my devastation. I even debated buying a new cookie sheet whilst in the throes of all my holiday baking but held off because I just couldn’t bear the thought of replacing it.

Case #2:

In the past, a favorite practice of mine was dumping a gallon of drinking water on my lap whilst driving. Until Jamie bought me a glorious CamelBak water bottle, which, in my many years of water-bottle dumpage, is the only one that has never leaked.

Our affair was glorious. Each morning as I drove the kids around town, I lovingly sucked my malleable mouthpiece and never once did even a drop of water escape.

Until I lost the straw.

For those unfamiliar with the CamelBak waterbottle, the straw is to the bottle as the husband is to deception.

Confused? Keep reading.


Fast forward to December 26th. Our Christmas tree had been dead for weeks and I could not bear to look at it for another moment. Despite the fact that I had a killer sinus infection and a house littered with new toys, THE TREE HAD TO COME DOWN (you know what I mean if you’ve ever had those moments).

After the last light strand was unstrung and the last ornament unceremoniously dumped in a bag with the promise of future organization, Jamie removed the tree. He went to dump the water out of the tree stand when he stopped. And he called out:

“Hey, Amber. Remember that straw you’ve been missing?”
“It would seem that maybe I might have kind of well, you know possibly used your CamelBak to water the tree and maybe just possibly your straw might have fallen into the tree stand.”

My beloved straw. Drowning in tree sap all these weeks. No wonder there was a death. (Of the tree that is; Jamie’s future is yet to be determined.)

Revelation #2:

Remember the sinus infection? Later that day, I was down in The Dungeon of Despair attempting to locate the lifetime supply of tissue boxes I recently purchased from Costco. I didn’t find the tissues but when I gazed up, up, up to the top of our storage shelves, I caught a glimpse of a glimmering beacon. A beacon that distinctly resembled my beloved hunk of metal.

I joyfully reached up, only to discover displaced pumpkin seeds reposing on my cookie sheet. Or rather, intentionally placed pumpkin seeds BY MY AWARD-WINNING, PUMPKIN-OBSESSED HUSBAND WHO KNOWS I HAVE BEEN PULLING MY HAIR OUT FOR MONTHS ABOUT THIS DISAPPEARANCE.

And yes, there just may have been the first reported case of Abuse By Pumpkin Seeds had he not promptly (and wisely) removed them.

The only good thing that came out of my findings of December 26th is that I assuredly, certifiably am not losing my mind.

P.S. Now, if I could just find Jamie’s lost Christmas present….

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  • comment avatar imaginary sarah January 2, 2008

    Ooh. I’m hooked on the giant pack o’ tissues from Costco. Costco is my dealer, and I am its helpless user.

    I’m glad you found some of your stuff. I was going to suggest that you look for them where you placed your keys. That’s where my lost and found seems to be.

  • comment avatar Tirzah January 2, 2008

    I HATE to lose things! It drives me nuts until I find it. I may not even need it, but I just have to find it!!! I’m glad you found your treasures!

  • comment avatar Tonya January 2, 2008

    Yet another example of how the male of our species is out to try to convince us that we, the females of the species are crazy. I knew it was a conspiracy.

    But, I’m glad you have reclaimed these “lost” items.

  • comment avatar elasticwaistbandlady January 2, 2008

    My husband doesn’t do that but my kids sure do, especially in the kitchen.

    Do you know how irritating it is to cook and have to stop every few seconds to yell out “Where’s my pastry brush? Where’s my meat thermometer? Where’s the freakin cinnamon sticks?”

    I’ve found stuff from the kitchen in the laundry room, underneath the sofa, in the dog kennel…

  • comment avatar Hyperactive Lu January 2, 2008

    Ha So funny!

  • comment avatar shaz January 2, 2008

    oh… husbands/men in general… argh! :)
    glad you’re not losing your mind tho!

  • comment avatar Lizzy January 2, 2008

    I’m with you on the tree. I was so glad to get rid of our dead tree that I gladly took it all down myself.

    I need some of that proof of sanity. Maybe I should start looking in odd places around my house…

  • comment avatar Kelly @ Love Well January 2, 2008

    Hmmmm. So Jamie “subconsciously” hid your straw and your cookie sheet. And you “subconsciously” lost his Christmas present.

    Freud would have a field day. 😉

  • comment avatar Awesome Mom January 2, 2008

    Murder would be in the air at my house too. Yesterday I asked my husband where my phone charger was. “I don’t know! It is where ever you put it last” The only problem is that I was looking where I had put it last. My husband then though about it a second and then went to where HE had moved it to.

  • comment avatar Kimberly January 2, 2008

    Oh my…we had one of those moments two days ago. I wish I’d lost his present…

  • comment avatar Lisa January 2, 2008

    Glad you found your favorite cookie sheet. I am culinarily challenged, so can’t quite relate. But, misplace my fleece throw and watch out! I have yet to see the CamelBak water bottle. Next time I’m at Bass, I’ll check it out.

  • comment avatar Damselfly January 2, 2008

    It’s the husbands. They make you *think* you’re losing your mind.

  • comment avatar A mom in the burbs January 2, 2008

    Sadly, I have relinquished all rights to be annoyed at my darling husband for losing things.

    It turns out that I have lost my car keyes for good and have had to kipe my hubby’s as he has the remaining electronic door unlock thingy.

    It is also possible that I accidentally threw out my garage door opener. Because I get to park in the garage more then he does, I have taken my hubby’s.

    Since I now have his keyes and his garage door opener, he has had to resort to using the hidden spare key to get into the house a time or two.


    I thought about getting a garage door opener for a stocking stuffer for him, but it seemed a tad self-serving…

  • comment avatar Andrea January 2, 2008

    I’m totally with elasticwaistbandlady on this one: My toddler wanders my kitchen stuff around all the time. And she’s way to little to yell at because she will simply repeat the question back to me.

    ME: Daughter, WHERE did all my measuring cups go?!?!
    HER: me-sure cup GO?

    Also, in my house, I’m the only one who can find things, so when my things are lost, they are really truly totally and completely lost. This is the same for my sister, apparently, who just posted about this very thing today. Must be that kind of day for mommies, huh?

  • comment avatar wendy on Oahu January 2, 2008

    Wicked funny! The pumpkin seeds – is he planning to plant them next year?

    I’m glad you found your favorite baking sheet. and that you’re not actually losing your mind!

  • comment avatar Gina January 2, 2008

    Jaime doesn’t deserve his lost Christmas present! At least you had a Boxing Day full of surprises…maybe the day should have been called Boxing Jaime Day. :o)

  • comment avatar FFG January 2, 2008

    Oh, he is in so much trouble! He is pushing you over the edge & better watch out! :)

  • comment avatar Angela Klocke January 2, 2008

    Now see…reverse all this and you know what my poor husband has to go through being married to ME!

  • comment avatar Anonymous January 2, 2008

    I usually find all my kitchen stuff in the garage, holding tools, oil, or God knows what else.


  • comment avatar dana January 2, 2008

    You are too funny my dear. I love the way you tell a story. Sorry about your cookie sheet and straw though…..but pretty danged funny :)

  • comment avatar Michelle at Scribbit January 2, 2008

    Go get him–though it’s too funny :)

  • comment avatar Crunchy Domestic Goddess January 2, 2008

    welcome back. :)

    goodness. what a day!!

    word to the wise, should the straw ever disappear again – we recently discovered you can use the camelbaks as a tippy-sippy bottle sans straw. :) i know, a lot of good that does you now.


  • comment avatar diana/sunshine January 4, 2008

    this is too funny. i’ve been there, too. you know the item didn’t just get up and walk away. some items i’ve found but others i have not.

    sounds like you love your camelback bottle as much as i do. that pliable mouthpiece is addicting :]

  • comment avatar Stacey January 5, 2008

    Why is it that when people lose things, and then finally find them, they always say, “It was in the last place I looked.” OF COURSE it was in the last place you looked. Why on earth would you keep looking if you already found it??

  • comment avatar Lisa L January 7, 2008

    Don’t worry you will find his present in time for next Christmas!

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