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Mama Drama: Investigating Random Rudeness From Children

Dear Mama Drama:

My five and seven year old sons are very cooperative with their father and me, but have become increasingly rude to their babysitter and grandparents. We are struggling to figure out what the problem is as well as how to change their behavior.

~Confused Mama

(photo credit)

Dear Confused:

It is good to hear that your children are polite with you and their father as that shows they understand how and have the skills to act respectfully. You may need to employ some detective work to figure out the root of their rudeness to other adults in their lives.

First, reflect on their interactions with other adults they encounter in addition to their grandparents and the babysitter such as neighbors, parents of their friends, teachers, and even strangers who greet them. Are they rude with these people or polite? As you examine their interactions, do you notice any patterns of behavior or any similarities between people whom they treat politely and those to whom they are rude?

Next, have a conversation with them about the patterns you have noticed. Start with the kind and polite ways in which they treat you, their father, and others you have noticed. Reinforce that these polite manners are appreciated. Then discuss your observations about their rude interactions with the babysitter, their grandparents, and anyone else you noticed. Ask them what they think leads them to treat these people differently.

You should get some insight from noticing patterns of interactions and from your children’s responses to your discussion. My guess is that they are interpreting behaviors from the babysitter and grandparents as offensive or irritating in some way and are responding in kind.

Some people have a tendency to make children feel uneasy or tease in ways that are hurtful or belittling. Others ask too many questions, grilling kids rather than having conversations. Still others overstep their boundaries and try to control or manipulate children often setting them up for a power struggle. You may hear some of these concerns from you children or may recognize them in the behavior you observe from the adults.

Discuss your expectations about how all people should be treated and problem solve ways to handle frustrating or annoying behavior. Once you generate some solutions, role play using them with their grandparents and the sitter. Learning and practicing these skills will empower your boys to stand up for themselves respectfully and they will be able to use these skills throughout their lives. Remember to recognize their efforts as they practice and develop these new skills.

Depending on what you learn as you investigate, you may also need to have conversations with the sitter and grandparents to discuss the behaviors they may need to work on as well.

Motherhood is an amazing journey that can have its share of Mama Drama. The Mama Drama column runs on Fridays with everyday mothering questions from readers and answers providing strategies to tackle these daily challenges. Send your questions and challenges to [email protected], and your Mama Drama could be in next week’s column! Lisa is also available for private consultations. All emails and identifying information will remain confidential. Read more of Lisa’s parenting perspective at her Laughing Yoga Mama blog.

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4 Comments

  1. Great advice! In your next column you should address how to address other people’s rude children. I don’t ever want to cross the line but also let them know it’s not OK.

  2. Great advice. I’m wondering if it would be appropriate for the grandparent or babysitter to say – let’s use nice words when we talk to each other or something along those lines. Perhaps the kids are testing them as well. My daughter is a complete tester and if you don’t communicate with authority, respect and confidence – she has a hard time being respectful and nice. This has proven extremely difficult in lessons/classes.

    • Thanks, Amanda, that is good advice. Sometimes the adults don’t know the words they need to use either. It is also helpful to share with other caregivers and teachers the strategies you know work with your child.

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