Mama Drama: Respectful Independence
Dear Mama Drama:
My eight-year-old son has recently become very rude and disrespectful. Every time I ask him to do something he argues with me. When I try to help him with something he becomes surly and impatient. When he is with his friends he is either rude or acts embarrassed to be seen with me.
We used to be so close and he would cuddle with me and hold my hand wherever we went. I don’t understand his behavior and am not sure what to do.
~ Disrespected Mom
Dear Disrespected:
It sounds like your son is trying to exert his independence, but he does not know how to do so respectfully.
Around the age of eight or nine, boys begin to feel the need to individuate from their mothers. They become aware of the gender difference between themselves and their moms and need to find ways to identify themselves differently. When they have strong bonds with their mothers, this can be confusing to both them and their moms.
Eight-year-olds are also seeking to be more independent in their skills and completing tasks. As parents, we sometimes provide too much support and forget to let them try things out on their own a bit more. Children often don’t know how to express what they need, so they act rude or surly.
Take a look at your expectations for your son and reflect on what he may be able to do more independently and what new responsibilities he may be able to take on. Then have a frank conversation with him about his behavior. Let him know that it is normal for boys to want to be less dependent on their moms. Then help him develop some phrases he can use to respectfully let you know he needs more space, less support, or more independence. Phrases such as, “Thanks mom, but I can do this on my own.” or “I’m working on a project right now; is it alright if I do that in ten minutes?” Discuss the importance of tone of voice and practice by role-playing different situations.
Continue providing choices for your son when you give him directions just as we recommend with younger children. Allow him a range of time to complete tasks or give a deadline to help him feel he has some independence and is respected for his ability to be responsible. Be consistent with your expectations and be ready to adjust as he demonstrates more responsibility.
It is important to be clear and direct with your son regarding his behavior towards you and particularly his actions in front of his peers. Let him know that the way he treats you communicates to his friends how they should treat you. Discuss how he perceives peers who treat their parents rudely and if he wants his friends to think of him that way. Plan ahead for giving a hug at the car away from peers, keeping endearments such as “sweetie” or “sugar” out of ear shot of friends, and maybe creating a special handshake or non-verbal sign you can give each other that provides the connection you need and the independence he is seeking.
A great resource for understanding the behavior and development of boys is The Wonder of Boys by Michael Gurian.
Motherhood is an amazing journey that can have its share of Mama Drama. The Mama Drama column runs on Fridays with everyday mothering questions from readers and answers providing strategies to tackle these daily challenges. Send your questions and challenges to Lisa@milehighmamas.com, and your Mama Drama could be in next week’s column! All emails and identifying information will remain confidential.
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