Grieving Change
Week 32! As people keep telling me, we’re nearly there. (Though time does seem to have stopped now.) I’ve spent the last seven months bucking myself up for this surprise baby and I’m excited! I have 8 weeks left and I am soooooo ready to meet this wee one! (No, we still don’t know the gender.) Construction is done. The girls have moved into their new room. The baby’s room is even looking like a sweet baby’s room! We are getting there. And we have done it with love and joy and humor – emotions I was not particularly feeling on May 27 when I discovered life was about to change completely.
But I have recently discovered a new ache. A new emotion.
I am grieving the loss of my current relationship with my daughters, Delaney and Allie. Yes, they will still be my daughters and I will still be their mother, but things are going to change. I remember feeling this exact same way when I was pregnant with Allie and enjoying one-on-one time with Delaney. I wondered if I had enough love and time and patience for two. And, to be honest, I didn’t want a new baby to change the incredible love that I was experiencing as a new mom.
Now, I fundamentally know that I have enough love for a third. That isn’t the issue. Rather, I am totally digging my girls’ company and I don’t want that dynamic to change!
Delaney is 8 and Allie is 6. They are witty, funny, thoughtful, complex girls and my relationship with them has become more mature every year. We enjoy each other! What will happen when I have to plant my butt on the couch every two hours to nurse? How will they feel when we’re tied to the house for naps instead of out on hikes or bike rides? Will they resent the baby? Me?
I do recall that, when Allie came along, Delaney was on the verge of hitting the Terrible Twos. She was 18 months old and transitioning from the perfect angel of baby-hood into a spirited, willful little person. Allie became my easy refuge. Just feed her, change her, nap her. Whereas Delaney’s demands were growing more unpredictable. So, in a way, the new baby was a refuge.
Will the same be true this time around? Probably. In fact, I know that I romanticize my day-to-day with the girls because, quite often, they drive me bananas with their bickering and whining. It’s easiest to grieve this change in our family dynamic when the girls aren’t here! Then, their little faces float up in my mind’s eye and they are smiling, caring, angelic beings.
The other night, I went to their room to kiss them before I crawled into bed, as I always do. They were sound asleep and stunning. I stared at them for many minutes and began crying, scared of the unknown changes ahead.
When I got to bed, Dave took one look at me and said, “What’s wrong?”
“I’m so worried that life is going to change too much,” I sobbed. “The girls are so perfect and kind and fun right now. I don’t want that to change…”
Dave paused. Blinked. And then simply said, “Wait until they wake up.”
Guest blogger Janalee Card Chmel is co-owner of MA! motherhood with attitude and is a Denver-based freelance writer. She was shocked at the age of 40 to find out she was pregnant. Follow her journey each month.
Gotta love that Dave. I love it when my husband tempers my nostalgic sorrow with witty reality.
I feel your pain; there are more moments than I care to admit when all I feel like I do is “crowd control” and I’ve had to become much more intentional about planning alone time with each individual kid. This is hard for me, since I’m not that intentional to start with, and I feel like I’d like some time to spend time with myself, frankly. But I do put on my big girl panties, and find that the one-on-one time is really fulfilling to both of us. It’s hard to find, but I keep trying.
Love to you, those girls and that new baby. Can’t wait to meet him/her.
LOL! Dave’s answer is classic. I can completely relate to how you’re feeling. We’re going the opposite direction. We had always planned to have three children. We tried unsuccessfully and after much prayer, decided to stop there. My husband goes in for the snip-snip on Friday.
But there is still a part of me that agonizes over this decision and if it is really the right one!
I too grieved the changes as I added new babies to our family. First I grieved the end of being a two-some and the freedom that comes with not having to find a sitter anytime you want to go see an adult movie. Then I grieved the one-on-one interaction with my oldest. Then I felt lost and wondering what I would miss as number three came along. But I had this insight at one point. Sure, my kids get less individual attention with more siblings around, but it’s not like they are in separate rooms, and they only get my time when we’re one-on-one. They get my time as a group, with some individual time. And, creating some of the most magical times, they get each other’s time. When my 4 yr old daughter hugs my 2 yr old around his head, and I can only hear his muffled giggles, I find I am so thrilled with how our family is now. And what it is changing into for tomorrow and the next day.
People are usually blown away when I tell them we planned our 3rd pregnancy, when we had 8 month old twins. My rationale was that I just wanted one last baby, and I didn’t want to wait until we were finished with all the “baby stuff” and out of that mindset. I grieved that decision for a long time after I learned I was expecting another set of twins! And I do long for the one-on-one time I’m missing out on with each child, since it’s hard to carve out individual time with five kids. But somehow, we make it work, and I feel like our family is perfect just the way it is. I’ll bet it won’t take long for all of you to get your groove and really enjoy this last, special baby.
Wow, what a bunch of insightful women! I loved Kagey’s comment about the attention they get from their siblings. My therapist, when I’m obsessing about this (come on, you know you do it, too), tells me that the research shows that siblings from large families have a huge sense of belonging with their siblings. Truthfully, my daughters have an entire universe of their own that I’m often not privy to at all. While they don’t get as much of me as I think they “should” have (there’s that paralyzing “should” again), I think they’re getting something as rich in the company and comraderie of their siblings. What a fascinating, enlightening discussion you’ve started, Janalee!! I think I’ll add a comment to the get born fan page: http://www.facebook.com/getbornmag?ref=ts