Not Starting Over; Starting Anew
Guest blogger Janalee Card Chmel is co-owner of MA! motherhood with attitude and is a Denver-based freelance writer. She was shocked at the age of 40 to find out she was pregnant. Follow her journey each month.
Since finding out on May 27 that Dave and I were apparently meant to have THREE children and not the TWO I had assumed, I’ve often said, “We’re starting all over!” My girls will be 6 and 8 when this baby joins our family and I have focused on the fact that we are returning to diapers, breast feeding and long nights. We’ll be anchored to the house again by naps. Not to mention…
* The transition to solids
* Crawling
* Walking
* Once again removing all the breakable and unsafe objects from our home, which we finally felt looked “grown up” again
* Teaching the ABCs and colors and numbers again
* Potty training
* The Terrible Twos (threes, fours…)
* The list, of course, goes on. I’m sure many of you could help flesh this out a bit
And yet, lately, I have also been thinking about what I will not have to re-learn. Though we are going back to the beginning with a new baby, we are not starting out with a clean slate. For example…
* I know how to fight the isolation of new motherhood. I will not sit in my home alone, wondering what other mothers do when those hard afternoon hours roll around. I’m seasoned. I know to reach out and get out.
* I won’t clean nonstop. When my first daughter was born and I decided to stay home, I fought like hell to keep the kitchen clean, the toys picked up, the home presentable. Now, I know better. My sanity is more valuable than household presentability.
* I won’t shower every day. Ridiculous concept.
* I will accept help when it is offered and I will shrug off any mommy guilt associated with that acceptance.
* I will demand and create time for myself. The first time around, I didn’t know how to balance the needs of my family with my own needs. It took time, but I do not intend to slide backward and lose myself again.
* And, perhaps most beautifully, I will not try to do everything “right.” I know there is no such thing and, I believe, this baby will be better for my imperfections than if I attempted to follow “perfect parenting” books and the magazine article to-do lists. This baby and I will wallow in joyful moments, especially the UN-teachable joyful moments!
I must confess, though, that there is one thing that I dread. Not the diapers, the formula or the long nights. Those I understand. Those I can even enjoy. No… I dread going back to birthday parties for two-year-olds in which parents invite everyone on the planet and I am expected to STAY for the frivolity. I have SO graduated from that chaos, dropping my girls off for parties and picking them up two hours later. No, birthday invitations will be handled differently with this child. I will kindly RSVP “no” to them all until my child is actually CONSCIOUS of what birthdays mean.
Besides, who wants to hang out with a bunch of new parents? They can be SO exhausting!
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This is soooo true! I was so uptight with my first children and my perspective would really change if I had a third.
Plus, I’m a lot more tired and old these days. :-)
My older two were 4 and 6 when their little brother joined the fold. You’re right on about the things you’re prepared for at this stage of the game. And I surprised myself with how mellow I’ve become about a lot of that. Maybe that’s age.
What I wasn’t prepared for: Working a baby’s schedule around the demands of the school-age children’s schedule, rather than working around the baby’s schedule (the baby’s schedule is much, much easier!).
Having said that, and, knowing that we’re done: I do confess to a smidge of baby envy! How fun it’s going to be!
I can imagine that once you’ve graduated from the baby stage, it would be a challenge to go back! But, like you said, you know what to expect this time around, and that’s more than half the battle.
And, what’s this I hear you can actually leave a kid at a party and come back later!? There’s a stage that involves that!? Cool! I can’t wait! ;)
I think I hit my stride as a mom when #3 was born, precisely for the reasons you list. And I like “starting anew” — each kiddo is a brand new experience.
And now that we’re past the truly baby stage (#3 is 22 months) I find I have a lot less in common with brand new moms. It’s funny how quickly the minutia of breastfeeding, swaddling, and the transition to solids seem booooring once you’re past those stages.
Great post!
thz is zo true
‘* I won’t shower every day. Ridiculous concept.”
Love this.
And yes, I agree that the graduation to drop-off parties would be tough ground to give up. Among the toughest.
Wow Janalee! This is awesome! I can’t wait to follow your journey. We have a lot of catching up to do as this year appears to have been life changing for both of us. Talk to you soon! Olivia