To spank or not to spank?
While there were definitely some parenting philosophies on which my husband Kyle and I had to compromise, one area where we were in agreement from the start is physical punishment.
We don’t spank. We think it’s illogical to tell children not to use physical force against one another, and then use it ourselves against them.
Beyond that, we believe there are better ways to get a child’s attention. I’m actually working on my own tactics in that area, as I tend to raise my voice more often and with less provocation than I probably should. Yelling loses its desired effect when it’s employed so often.
Also, I have to admit that when I yell, it’s usually more about me than the kids. My fuse is significantly shorter when I don’t have an inbox full of fires, looming deadlines, and fifty pounds of laundry to fold. The same transgression under more stressful circumstances generates a much louder response from me, and that’s really not fair to the kids.
Likewise, I wonder if parents who do use physical punishment – typically in a controlled, non-reactive manner – sometimes end up lashing out when they’re feeling stress. I gave myself permission to yell, and now I sometimes abuse it. Do parents who spank sometimes abuse that power?
I once said to Tacy: “I’m so angry with you that I want to spank you.” I didn’t do it; sharing the intensity of my frustration was enough to curb it. Since then, I’ve thought the same thing, but didn’t voice it. Instead, I told her: “I need to walk away now. Just please do what I asked you to do.”
To parents who opt for physical punishment, time out might sound ineffective. But as a parent who will admit feeling the urge to lash out, I absolutely suggest time out – not for the kids, but for you. In all seriousness, it was the best move I could have made in that situation, and I plan to do it again the next time I reach that level of frustration.
Because I don’t kid myself; with three kids who are still in the early stages of the marathon journey to adulthood, I’m going to get angry many, many times. Better to start controlling my reactions right now.
Do you spank your kids? Why or why not?
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Ahhh, spanking. Am I against it? Yes. Have we done it? Yes. Overall, my husband and I are both against spanking. But somewhere in the hell that was the Terrible 3s, nothing got through to our delightful daughter. For about a 4-month period she turned into a veritable beast and timeout was a complete joke. The only discipline that worked was spanking or the threat thereof. And when that horrid period was over? We’ve never gone back to spanking and have never had to spank our 2 1/2-yr-old son.
As a parent of (now grown) 3 daughters, I agree that spanking doesn’t work in the long run but may act as a deterrent in the short term as a fear tactic. However, stress as you mentioned, can absolutely make us do things we don’t agree should be done!
As a professional parent/child coach, I try to spread the word far and wide about how to discipline or manage children’s behaviors through positive techniques that teach kids how their behaviors can impact themselves as well as others. They can really learn if guided, through their natural mistakes as well as through succeeding at getting things right.
Congrats to all parents who make an effort to discipline by means other than spanking! Parenting (only the most important job most of us will ever take on) isn’t something we’re trained to do, so we read, learn from other parents, and do the best we can.
One of the reasons I feel spanking should not be taught as a tactic for child discipline is simply because there are so many who would abuse it. The last thing I would ever want is for a child to be inflicted with physical pain in a unloving and devaluing way.
We have relegated spanking to very specific discipline issues. For instance, when my daughter was first learning about the dangers of parking lots and she would starting running away from me – I would firmly talk with her about what she did and why she was getting a spanking (“If you were to be hit by a car it would hurt much worse than this.”). That said, can’t actually remember the last time she got a spanking. Now the boy on the other hand… :)
I think the best point that was made in this post is that moms (and dads) can sometimes be the ones who need a time out. Is it really that bad or are WE the ones who are just too stressed out? It’s worth taking the time to cool off and think about.
Insert Amber’s first 4 sentences here.
In a perfect world, I would always know exactly what strategy would prompt the best behavior.
Sometimes it’s hard to figure out, in the moment, what is best. Rarely is it spanking, although I won’t say never.
We don’t spank our daughter. It’s not something I want to start, and thankfully, all other discipline techniques are working.
I was raised in a house full of spanking, and it’s just not the environment I want here.
That being said, different approaches work for different people. We use the time-out primarily (a minute per year of age).
When a time-out for my preschooler doesn’t seem to be working, I give a time-out to her Puppy (stuffed lovey). THAT is a fate worse than anything EVER.
For now. We adjust. So far, so good.
Some days, I resist the urge to put in my OWN age into the microwave timer when setting it for a time-out. ;)
I can count the number of times we have spanked my son on the derierre on one hand. Typically with him a stern deep voice, time out or some other consequence was all the discipline needed. Thankfully he has always been naturally easy going and very well behaived (I’m slightly paranoid that because he was so good, he is saving it all up for later). But when it came to a safety issues, like trying to stick objects in the power sockets (after he so cleverly found out how to remove the covers) well that prompted a smack on the hand, which I don’t consider a spanking but perhaps falls into the same rhelm.
I recall once in the last year where I said, “You are not too old for a spanking mister!” Truthfully though, I think he is too big for a spanking and I remember when I was 8 my Mom gave both my sister and I a spanking for something terrible we had done…and honestly, it didn’t hurt one little bit. It probubly would have stung more to take our Barbies away for a day!