Tough mom decisions: how did you decide?
I never aspired to be a stay-at-home mom.
Reflecting back upon it, I never aspired to do much of anything. It was not that I was lacking in ambition. I was that annoying overachiever in athletics and academics but I just didn’t know what I wanted to do when I “grew up.” I didn’t declare Broadcast Journalism as my major until my junior year of college. Even upon graduation, I did not know if I wanted to purse journalism or a career in public relations. Decisions were made day-by-day, minute-by-minute and I ended up dabbling in both.
Getting married and having a family were not on my radar in my 20s. I was too busy “finding myself,” traveling the world and having a good time. I never aspired to be the president of a company but opportunities came–an account executive with the corner office at a PR agency, a freelance gig as a travel writer. It wasn’t until my 30th birthday that I stopped to reflect upon it all and I surmised I had spent all this time climbing the ladder, only to realize it was leaning on the wrong wall.
Shortly thereafter, I met my husband, moved to Colorado, married and was pregnant six months later. My wanderlust life was grounded. When we discussed our childcare options, my husband humbly submitted he would like me to stay home and raise our children. I agreed. I never really saw it as a sacrifice but as the next step. I had seen what I wanted to see, done what I wanted to do.
My foray into motherhood with a colicky newborn was not smooth but I made the best of a sleepless situation. We hiked several times a week with Colorado Mountain Mamas. We were a regulars at the library’s storytime. We were in playgroups. I was a joiner, a doer as my Type-A single life transcended into motherhood. I desperately clung to some kind of structure as I tried to fill the daunting 12 hours before me every day.
Baby #2 came. I bought a double stroller and we did Everything X 2. Life continued at a frenetic pace as I immersed myself in everything around me. I started freelancing from home. Time passed, children grew.
One day not long ago on a lazy afternoon, I looked at my children playing in the backyard and a wave of joy overcame me. Somewhere along my journey, I had fallen in love with being at home with them. I wasn’t just filling my days, I was feeling them.
Not long after, a head hunter contacted me with a tempting offer to return to full-time work. I originally refused but my husband encouraged me to pursue it. He recently launched his own business that is going well but sustainability is always in question with our current economy. We decided that perhaps I would be the one to provide our financial stability.
And so with a heavy heart, I met with the team, the VP and the director. I loved the company, love the vision but agonized over the inevitability that working moms face every day: a lack of time with their children. Of course, most of us do the best we can and rationalize it is not quantity, it’s quality. But I was greedy: I wanted both.
I finally came to the decision that I would do what was best for my family. If offered the position, I would take it. If not, I would continue down our previous path. Those weeks were agonizing to me as I played with my children. Would this be the last time we would climb to the water tower in the morning? Would this be our final daytime playdate with friends who have become an important part of our lives?
In the end, I was not offered the position. I felt a hint of disappointment and then an overwhelming gush of relief. Now was not my time. I was given the gift to stay at home with my children for at least a little while longer. And while this is not necessarily the life I would have chosen, it is the life I am blessed to be living.
And I plan to take full advantage of it.
What did you want to be when you grew up? Are you living the life you want to be living? If not, what would you change?
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I was a single mom of one for years and worked full time. When I married Allan and became the mother of 4 and then had another 3 babies I felt so blessed to be able to stay home. Now that Kyle will be going to BYU in the fall, I can say without hesitation I HAVE LOVED EVERY MINUTE OF BEING HOME. I would NEVER criticize anyone for working–I think each of us has to do what is best for us, but I will forever be grateful that I was able to stay home.
I’m still figuring that out. As a chiild I use to picture my self with briefcase in hand walking downtown to my job. I never knew exactly what I wanted to do and still don’t but I ended up getting married at 19 and now 16 years later find myself a stay home mom with a great guy and three kids. I’m happy and grateful I can stay home-I love it but a part of me is restless to pursue what else I was meant to be…
I wanted to be a mom- then as I got closer to the end of high school, I thought I better figure out something to be :) I started to go get me degree in Special Education- but instead of a Masters- I got a Mister- I worked the first few years we were married, putting him through school, and ended up missing the bulk of the first two years of my firstborn’s life. When we didn’t have any other children for 8 years, I was so sad about that. Having done it both ways, I can say being at home was the best thing for my children. I now work, but it is part time, from home, with an amazingly flexible schedule- so I have been blessed in that way.
You will be a mom for forever- but you are only a mommy for a short time I found.
I wanted to be a mom.
I have known that my whole life.
I also wanted to be a teacher.
I am a mom of six kids, I work inside and outside the home, and I work in the school district. I am not a teacher yet, however that will come with time. I rarely do things the easy way. :)
I have been a stay at home mom, a mom with all of her kids in the home and somedays, mom with no kids in the home.
However no matter where I work or sleep.. I am always a mom!
That job has been the most rewarding!
It’s funny the hands we are dealt and how they are often so different than what we imagined. And yet, in the end, it all seems to work out for the best!
What a tough decision. It’s nice to know you’re so in demand, though. (Maybe a little TOO much at home).
Climbing the water tower sounds like a great job duty.
I wanted to be a scientist. Until I got to calculus.
I am living the life I want now. Parenting mixed in with cobbled-together passions. Gotta give props to the husband here.
I’d also like to give kudos to the husbands who support their wives being at home! I’m so thankful to be able to stay at home, even if it wasn’t what I dreamed of being when I was young.
I had pretty sure dreams of being on Broadway – or at the very least leading a life in front of the camera.
But as soon as I was pregnant, I felt sure I would never do anything else but be with my children. In part it is a sacrifice, but I’d echo what has been said above: whether you are in the midst of it or looking back, being the person to raise your children will be somthing you NEVER regret.
Well said!
I always wanted to be a SAHM and I love it. It took me while to decide what I wanted to study and have as my “back-up” job. I just hope I chose well and that I can eventually use what I have learned in a way that will allow me to be with my children as much as possible as they grow older.
I was always going to be the writer and then you have to put others before yourself so I am working while my husband goes to medical school and since we have no children it isn’t a burden. I am not living the life I want because I was alot of time I could use to be writing but I have a crippling believe that my stories aren’t good enough that I dont know how to write and that no one wants to hear them. So that is what I will change the whol attitude!
I usually run far away from these types of topics. I’m a working mother and feel like I get ridiculed for being one sometimes. To be honest, it’s better for my two-year-old daughter that I do work. Since we’re still fairly new to Denver, we don’t have many friends or family and the learning she’s getting at the Montessori school has helped her stay active and social. Working gives me something that’s mine. Plus, I love what I do.
But, I’m definitely at a crossroads. I’m in need of some flexibility and am seriously considering doing my own consulting. I’ve got the experience and have been networking like crazy since we moved here. Of course, it’s scary but I think it’s time. And when my little one is sick or I want to play “hookie,” doing my own thing would give me that flexibility to do so.
Anyone out there who’s had a similar situation?
I’m in a completely different situation. I don’t have children of my own, but I am a person that has an influence in the lives of 21 children. Is this what I would have picked for my future? Absolutely not. Being a stay at home mom was something I always thought would just happen for me. Well it hasn’t. I have had to find my place in a life that I never thought I would be living. That being said, I have been given the wonderful opportunity to have an impact on the precious souls around me. Thank you to those mothers that allow me to spend time with their children and feel like I might be a positive influence. Thank you for allowing me to feel love toward their children and want the best for them.
I admire all mothers. Those that stay at home, those that work from home, those that work outside the home. No matter what circumstance you may be in – you do the best you can for your family – that is just what a mother does.
I always knew I wanted to be a stay at home mom and never really thought much about what kind of work I wanted to do. Strange. Now, particularly on those days when not one, but two or three of them are having meltdowns I have thought what would it be like to be a working woman?
Well, I too have had those moments where I feel just a sense of pure joy and then gratitude for being able to be home with these little guys and how grateful I feel to have been blessed to have them in my life.
It is not easy, but so, so worth it.
For those moms that do work, Good for them. Who can say what is best for someone eles?
That’s the key–every mom is different, as is every circumstance. Some thrive being in the home, some thrive at work. Others aren’t given the choice but do the best that they can. And that is what matters most!
I’m grateful I was given the opportunity to choose whether I wanted to go back to work after having my first or staying home and taking care of her. A week after she was born my husband asked me when I planned on going back to work… as you can imagine a hormonally charged new mom is not who you want to ask that question to… I started bawling and told him if I had to answer that question right then, the answer was never. Thankfully my in-laws were very supportive of that decision and offered their basement for us to live in (all of their kids are grown and moved out). Which ended up working out perfectly as my husband relapsed 3 months later… sometimes I think it would be easier to drop them off and go to work… but I would miss all of it, including the messes and fits.
I’m sure my husband would love it if I went back to work but I would much rather raise my young child during those crucial years – as opposed to having him grow up in a daycare. There are certain instances where women need to go back to work because of finances or because they’re the one who has the healthcare coverage. It’s hard…we have to watch how we spend our money but it’s completely worth it. I’ll have no regrets.
When I was little, I wanted to be what my mom was. First, I’d be the head secretary to a powerful man in a company and then I’d be a mom. (Just like she had done.) As I got older, I realized I didn’t want children right away (if ever). I knew I wanted to help people, and I had a love of foreign language. So, I majored in Spanish and Social work, graduated with a Bachelors degree and was a Social Worker for a few years before realizing it wasn’t who I wanted to be anymore!
Yikes! What now??
As you’ll see in my bio here (as JoAnn) and on my blog, I’ve done many things in the past. My hubby and I didn’t want children until we were in our 30s, if at all! We traveled and lived it up. Then, our 30s hit, and we realized we were ready for that chapter. Now, we are having a blast with our little girl, and we couldn’t be happier.
When she was a baby (and before she was born), I was working from home. It wasn’t until she turned 2 that it got to be difficult to focus on a job AND Claire. So, last year, I quit to be a full-time Mom and focus on Claire and my writing.
I’m SO THANKFUL that I’ve been given this opportunity! I wouldn’t change it for the world.
I love this post, Amber. I never intended to be a stay at home mom – it was the furthest thing from my mind. But I know now how very fortunate I am to be able to have these early years with my boys.
I love your “feeling your days” line. So wonderful. I am glad you were given the gift of staying at home still. I always have to remind myself that it is a gift.
I look at this two ways:
As a parent, it’s one of the toughest choices – what is the best way to care for your kids? If you both work to put a roof over your head & keep food on the table, that’s one thing, but if you can do that on one income, and the second income is the difference between the kids’ college funds being funded or empty, what then? Is that “optional”?
The other way to look at this is – what is the purpose of my life? Am I using my god-given gifts to the best of my ability? I’m a SAHM, and happily so, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have nagging doubts from time to time. I’m choosing to look at my life in seasons, that there will be a time when I do more with my non-mommy talents, and I try to be content with being mommy right now.
Wow, great feedback everyone. And I love the thought of thinking about life in “seasons!”
What an agonizing wait period that must have been! I don’t handle uncertainty well and I think I probably would’ve downed an awful lot of chocolate if I’d been in your shoes…
I’m so glad you got to feel that relief and find joy it what you have and where you are now. What a gift!
I remeber giving up work to stay home with my first child and I was given a huge promotion and raise as incentive to stay. It was a hard choice for about 10 minutes. But, once I decided to stay home I never looked back. I was so relieved and so happy that I would be with my daughter everyday and never miss any of those special moments. For me, I knew that career and education would always be there, but my baby wouldn’t. I know I will go to school to become a secondary English educator, there has never been any doubt about that, but I’m so glad I didn’t miss out on my children growing up.
Great post!! Some days are hard when you just wish you had a full time job, until, you sit back, and realize you love what you do at home! I know I wouldn’t be anywhere else!
I walked away from graduate school and the plan of an opera career to raise kids. The thing is, it wasn’t that hard as I know I really didn’t want that life.
I really don’t have a lot of talent or drive in another area, so it was an easy choice for me.
I admire people who can juggle both or who walk away from very good careers and their own ambitions to be with their kids.
Ug. That last one up there was me, Amber. (Add techno-lame to list of non-accomplishments!)
Well…. you have read a lot about all my doubts and worries.
It is hard and as my 35th birthday is approaching, it is getting harder.
Fabiola
i think your approach to making the decision about the job offer was a great way to handle it.
i never thought about being a sahm before i was pregnant with my first. at some point during the pregnancy, i knew i wanted to stay at home with my children. i told myself i would do anything, even if that was working from home, to make it happen. i’ve been very blessed.
http://www.sunshine-on-my-shoulders.blogspot.com
Like you, I just played around and ended up with a career in Marketing. Working from home can be a nightmare, but I love spending time with the kids so somehow it is all worth it.
Great post. Put it in your kids’ baby books so they can read it when they’re parents! I spent the first 3.5 years of my oldest son’s life in an office, and he in daycare, and it breaks my heart to think of what I missed out on. When my 2nd son was born, I got to stay home with both of them for a year or so, and although I was always exhausted, it was wonderful…I went back to work, but for a flexible and fun company – sometimes I work from home, sometimes kids go with me to the office… it’s been great. BUT – marketing is a looong way from what I really wanna be when I grow up. Race car driver. Maybe when they’re in college.
Sorry, Amber – that ‘anonymous’ was me…too quick on the submit button. Figure I should identify myself in case anyone has a race car lacking a driver.