Being a Mom vs. Being a Wife
Recently, Momversation asked 3 bloggers to tell which is harder: being a mom or being a wife.
Dooce, having experienced post-partum depression, says that marriage was much easier, and she shares many good reasons why. She votes for motherhood as the more difficult.
Finslippy says (among other things) that it’s easier to neglect marriage, making it the more difficult of the two.
GirlsGoneChild, who experienced marriage and children in rapid fashion, also agrees that marriage is the more challenging.
I came to Motherhood on a windy, twisty, difficult path — with a years-long detour through infertility. Conventional wisdom might say that for women experiencing infertility, motherhood will be incredibly rewarding after that long and tortuous route. And that, consequently, achieving that hard-won dream would make parenting less difficult than marriage.
But my own experience did not fit that thinking. Regarding marriage, I know how to navigate a peer relationship, a (mostly) rational relationship of (mostly) equals.
But ever since I’ve been a parent, I have struggled with the irrational relationship I have with what started as purely emotional beings. As my children become more rational, parenting them becomes easier for me. By the time they are 108 and 106, I will be in good shape.
Also, in theory, I should be the One In Control in my relationships with Tessa and Reed, right? I am Authority and they should, at all times, defer to my more seasoned judgment. (Don’t laugh. My parents expected this of me, and I have forgotten that I rarely gave it to them.)
Smack! That’s reality hitting me upside the head on an almost-hourly basis. My kids DON’T stop fighting when I tell ask them to. They DON’T keep their dirty and clean clothes in different places. They DON’T accept my wisdom about not eating boogers as gospel.
Control is an illusion. Tessa and Reed just might have more of it than I do. It certainly seems so at times.
These are some of the reasons why motherhood is, for me, more difficult than wifehood.
(Well, that and the fact that my husband cooks.)
So, for you, which is more difficult — being a mom or being a wife? Why?
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Well said! I often say that being a Mom is the most difficult job of my life. My little angel is a picky eater, petrified of creepy crawleys, stubborn, the list goes on. All the things that I myself was or am….Someone is either playing a trick on me or giving me my greatest life challenge. Cheers!
http://mommynmartinimommynmilk.blogspot.com
I am in the mom camp. Being a mom is rough. My husband doesn’t keep me up all night. He doesn’t throw tantrums. He doesn’t refuse to eat his dinner. Those other little people? Well, it’s a good thing they’re my kids because there would be problems if my husband ever acted like that. :-)
My hubby and I have lived together for over 12 years. We lived together for four years before getting married, and we were married for five years before our daughter was born. And, we’ve been a Family-of-Three for just over 3 years. Is that too much math too early in the day?
Anyway…
We’ve been fortunate in that things have always clicked along smoothly for us.
We were pretty much experts at our relationship before diving headfirst into parenthood, so I think that made parenthood easier than it could have been, and it also made it easier for our relationship to withstand the hurricane force winds produced by the introduction of a baby to the household.
Personally, one hasn’t really been harder than the other. I know that sounds like a cop-out, but it’s true! I’ve been trying to weigh them against each other, but they seem pretty equal. We found our groove pretty quickly with both. How lucky is that??”
So, that’s my answer. For me, it’s 6 of one and half-dozen of the other. ;)
Being a wife.
I have been a mother for 17 years, it seems to come a bit effortlessly. Of course they are insane, of course they are crazy, but their insanity makes sense to me.
Men? I think their brains are packed away somewhere from me! Perhaps it’s the men I chose, because they were more like older children.
I am currently dating a wonderful man and we are moving towards the direction of marriage and a life together.
This will be the first time in 14 years that I’ve been married, I’ve dated people for 3-4 years at a time, however marriage was never something I could wrap my mind around. It seems to come harder for me.
I am hoping that time has matured me, and that 17 years of being a mom has taught me how to be a wife.
I loved this topic on momversation. So far, neither is super rough, but if I chose one, than being a mom is more difficult. I didn’t have to go through labor to get my husband. My husband didn’t decorate our wall last night with black bean soup like someone else I know. He doesn’t puke down my back when we are out in public. I don’t have to worry about how to pay for his college education… oh wait, just kidding, 15 years later and we are still paying for that diploma, dang it! Still: mommy life is rougher on this end, great, but a more work.
http://whatwasisayingagain1018.blogspot.com/
Hillary — it does seem like a trick at times. Challenge, indeed!
Amber — so right. Husbands had better know better!
CP — it’s great that you had an easy time with both. Maybe you offer tutoring?
Suzanne — congrats on your new happiness!
Holly — LOL!
being a mom is SO much more difficult. i can ignore my husband. my kids though…
and nothing makes me panic the way my kids do. nothing makes me happier than when my kids are happy. and i’ve never been as hurt as the times my kids are hurt.
my husband…
he is easy. feed him. occasional marital stuff.
good to go.
rock and drool…mom gone mental
http://www.rockanddrool.com
for me, motherhood has been harder – for many of the same reasons you and your commenters have mentioned. guiding, nurturing, caring for, and loving a human being from day one is a huge responsibility and as we know, not an easy task. yep, definitely motherhood.
http://www.sunshine-on-my-shoulders.blogspot.com
Motherhood is harder, and more complex, I think. I also had 7 years of marriage before children entered the picture, so we had the time to work out rough spots. Marriage isn’t a no-brainer by any means, but the tremendous feeling of responsibility that comes with Motherhood, the on-the-job-every-second-ness of it makes it the hardest experience of my life. And is richly rewarding for as a result. ;)
I would be in Camp Mom too. Keeping Mr. Wonderful happy is pretty much a 2-step deal: Feed him. Flirt with Him. Done. Being a Mommy however – that is rough business. I mean at least Mr. W is a fully capable person, mostly rational and can be left unattended for long periods of time with almost little worry.
Being a Mommy is far more challenging. Their moral character, decision making abilities, personality and future pretty much all depend on you. Plus they get hungry again 10 minutes after they were too full to eat all their dinner AND have to go to the bathroom at every store/location you go to everytime you leave the house. At least you choose your hubby — your kids? Well you’re stuck with them! Ha!
As a divorcee I have to ‘fess up that being a wife is way more challenging. Children love you unconditionally and don’t learn how to manipulate in a cruel way until puberty. But until then motherhood, while not at all a walk in the park, is far easier than maintaining a relationship.
http://www.caloden.com