We told the kids about the new baby on the same day we told the rest of the world.

Some may question the wisdom of telling young children about a new sibling when there is a strong history of pregnancy loss. My tally is four. Aren’t you afraid they will be sad if the worst happens? Are they too young to handle those emotions or understand?

Maybe I am a monster, but I think it’s okay for children to be sad sometimes. I think it’s okay to be honest about death and loss and icky emotions. How else does a person learn to handle this particular inevitability? People in their lives will die, ranging from unborn siblings to great-grandparents. Our neighbor died last spring. My in-law’s dogs died. Sam’s goldfish died.

After we told the kids about the new baby, they did their celebratory dances and asked dozens of questions. They argued over boy or girl, names, where the baby would sleep. Then they ran off to play. Except for Ryley, our nine-year-old son.

He lingered on the couch next to me.

“Mom, what if the baby dies?”

If I told him it wouldn’t happen, and it did, I’d be a liar and my word untrustworthy.

“That could happen. If the baby dies, we’d all be sad and miss the baby, just like the others.”
“Yeah. I hope the baby doesn’t die.”
“Me too.”

We sat in silence for a long time before he got up to join the rest of the kids, who were playing in the basement.

Several times since that first conversation, Ryley and I have talked about the baby. He always qualifies musings about the future with “…if the baby doesn’t die…” It’s in the back of his mind, and I know why he says it. Ryley is protecting himself from getting too close, from making the assumption that around his tenth birthday he’ll be holding sister #3 or brother #4. He wants to with every fiber of his being. He’s the eldest son, a patient big brother, and usually the first in line to hold our newborns. I am proud of him.

I understand because I find myself doing the same thing daily, if not hourly.

Pregnancy after loss is a harrowing time. If you know someone who is embarking on a pregnancy and she has a history of having to say goodbye too soon, please try to understand her distance, her seeming lack of ga-ga over-the-moon excitement, or her tendency to say the word “if”.

It’s just the way it is.

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