When you are not instinctively maternal
I have a good friend at boot camp, Linette. She is in her late-30s and is funny, sweet and successful. She also chose not to have children.
Now, for some women this is not puzzling to me because they are just not âkid people.â? But Linette is a Court Appointed Special Advocate (CASA) and selflessly helps children in need.
I finally asked her about it one day and she responded, âEven though I love kids, I just never felt that maternal instinct to have my own and I thought that was an important part of the process.â?
I could relate. Ten years ago, having children was the last thing on my mind. And being Mormon where most women seem to be born breeders, I was an anomaly. I wanted a career. I wanted to travel. I did not want to be tied down. I find it ironic that the thing I spent the entirety of my 20s running away from is that which has brought me the most joy in my 30s.
But I have never been that woman to coo and paw over other peopleâs babies. Newborns in particular freaked me out and I have always felt more comfortable with older children. When Hurricane Hadley was born, Jamie and I anxiously gazed at her and simultaneously queried, “What now?” To make matters worse, she was a tough, colicky baby and though I loved her, I never really felt bonded to her for the longest time.
Jamie and I felt strongly we are supposed to have three children so when it came time to get pregnant, I did it without much enthusiasm (as opposed to Jamie who has always been gung-ho over the baby-making process. 
The next 40 weeks were filled with some excitement yet mostly apprehension that I would give birth to another Hurricane who would level me as Hadley had.
But the moment Bode was born and they placed him in my arms, I felt it. That moment so many mothers talk about â when they instantly fall in love with their new baby and feel that bond. I remember thinking, âSo this is what it is all about.â?
We are on the precipice of getting pregnant again. Last week at church, I grabbed someoneâs infant to play with him â something I rarely do. And as I gazed down at that slobbering face, those burgeoning cheeks and sumo arms, I felt it: that maternal instinct. For the first time, I felt absolutely overwhelmed that I wanted a final child.
As Jamie and I snuggled in bed that night, I relayed my experience to him.
âWell, congratulations Amber. It sounds like your maternal instinct is finally kicking in.â?
âYeah, and it only me took four years and two kids to get it!â?
What were your experiences with your children? Did you immediately feel that bond when they were born?
Yes, I felt that bond instantly and I have seven kids to prove it.
But I’m not crazy about other people’s kids. I’m not a Primary person and the thought of serving there sends me into spasms of fear and guilt.
Fear because I can’t control them and when sharing time comes along, I’m so bored I could run screaming from the room.
I like holding babies for a little while, and I no longer have the desire for my own (good thing since I’m divorced, in my mid-forties and a grandmother now).
I don’t believe that every woman has to be a mother to make a valuable contribution to the world, nor do I think she’s a bad person.
And I think we all have our own experiences with motherhood. I know some women who wouldn’t dream of doing anything else but raising their children, and some who need outside interests and work.
What matters is that we listen to our own destinies and not compare ourselves.
I did feel it. I was really worried that I wouldn’t…but I remember all through that first night in the hospitall, when they brought Brandon to me to nurse. I just couldn’t believe he was mine. This dark head of hair and this tiny little body wrapped up next to me was MINE. It was overwhelming.
It took me awhile to get it with Evan. When he was in the hospital I did not really deeply feel like he was “mine” until we got home and I was the person taking care of him all day.
We are actively trying for #3 but I am not feeling the baby lust like I did when I wanted to get pregnant with Harry.
I remember my 1st born being 5 weeks old when I had the firs of those ooey gooey squashey mommy feelings. With the other two boys it was the second they plopped their little bodies on my belly. But with my 4th born, my girl, I had those feelings while she was still in my tummy.
I’m not a parent and I don’t gush over other people’s children. Babies scare me… I think I want kids, but I’m also scared that since I don’t feel such strong “maternal” instincts that I’ll be a terrible parent! Reading things like this helps though, it makes me realize that those feelings don’t always come naturally and everybody probably experiences the same fears!
I can definitely relate! I’m also a Mormon— one who never gushed over other people’s babies and never understood all the baby-hungry women around me. And then I got married, and felt that I SHOULD have a baby— not necessarily that I WANTED one, but my gut said that I was SUPPOSED to have one. So I did. And she was gorgeous, and I finally got it. I immediately had another baby, and then two more. Four kids in four and a half years. I NEVER thought that that would be my life, but here I am, and I’m thrilled!
I now gush over other people’s babies, mostly because I know how much it means to the mom when you do. And I also hold other people’s babies in Church, because I know how tired mom gets and that she could use a break in order to hear the Relief Society lesson once every six months! But that’s really my only motivation— I’m still not baby-crazy when it comes to other people’s babies. But mine? oh, how I adore them!
Being that so far I only have step children it took a long time for me to feel motherly toward them – like real mother instinct – in fact it has been less then a year that I have and it really did sneak up on me….. I am glad that I am not alone…..
I had a much better labor with my second son than with my first, so I think that’s why I felt the bond right away with him. It took me a little with my first son.
Even as I type you can be assured that Scientists are working on a special tablet that compresses all maternal emotion and feeling and instinct into one portable, handy little pill.
Me? It took until the third child for the constant crying to stop driving me absolutely over-the-edge. I never desired to have kids at all. And now I’ve evolved to a point where I can homeschool and I hyperventilate at the thought of being separated from my kids all day. I guess for some of us it’s a process rather than an automatic feeling.
For me it was the sort of feeling that would come and go. And I definitely felt it stronger with my second child, as my first has a wee bit in common with your hurricane.
We’re trying for number three as well now, happy baby making!
Wow, I can relate!! I did so much international traveling and I just knew that when I had babies it would all be over. I always knew I wanted to be a mother, but my first and only baby I’ve had so far completely leveled me. I didn’t feel that instant bond or the maternal instinct at all for the first three months of her life. Now that she’s a little over a year old, it’s much more fun and though I’m excited to have another KID, the thought of another newborn totally freaks me out. I will do it anyway though, and I’m going to be hoping for that instant bond that you said you felt with your second!
I wanted children before I could have them…I struggled with some infertility issues & while I am not the kind of person that feels totally comfortable with other people’s kids, I love babies and think they are beautiful – toddlers…now that’s another story. I love my little toddler(#2), but he’s a handful. When my first was born, I felt those bonding feelings pretty quickly, but I was also stressed out worrying about doing something wrong. It took until #2 for me to feel more relaxed and less worried about every little thing.
Yes, I felt the bond immediately.
Did I worry about what to do: yes.
My firstborn was born with many medical problems and I had a lot to take in my hands and I was very nervous, but over the years I feel more comfortable.
I bonded instantly with my daughter, whose birth I was able to attend (thanks to her birthmom).
Not so much with my son. In fact, I went through some pretty severe PADS (Post Adoption Depression Syndrome), although I didn’t know it existed at the time.
I’ happen to be blogging about that right now on Drama 2B Mama.
And I couldn’t love my son one iota more today
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Good luck with #3, Amber. No matter what, you’ll have more stories to tell!
I definatly did not feel it with my daughter until she was a few months old. I loved her, but I couldn’t grasp the concept that I was pregnant, it didn’t feel real. And then she was born, and let me tell you, that experience didn’t seem real either. I think since everyone is so different, the bonding experiences we feel are all so different too.
I didn’t think I would ever feel that maternal instinct. I was probably the most lacsidasical preggo on the planet, getting huffy over all the eggshell stepping around me. I can open the door for myself THANK YOU VERY MUCH SIR!
Once I had my daughter though, it was like a a big frying pan to the face. I was walloped with love, passion and instinct.
I remember saying “Mom, I just feel so happy right now.”
to which she responded: “That’s the drugs talking.”
Thanks.
http://www.pisceshanna.wordpress.com
I did always want kids and love to play with other people’s’ kids. Still, I don’t think I had an immediate bond with my son. Of course I loved him, but the real mommy bond just gradually came over a little while.
http://richellesreflections.blogspot.com/
Before having children, I never imagined how deeply, unconditionally, and instantly I would fall in love with them. With the first, those feelings were so overwhelming. When we brought our daughter home, I would nurse her and sing “you are my sunshine…” and tears would just stream down my face. With each one, after her, I never imagined how much I could love the others as much as I loved her, but, again, the love was overwhelming and instant! Being a mom makes me appreciate my own mom so much more. I feel bad for all those times I accused my mom for not “caring.” Haha, it makes me laugh! Now, I know, everything she did was because she loved me!
I am not gooey about babies. I love mine, mine are amazing people, it took about a week with each one!
I knew a friend (when we were both kid-less) who read parenting magazines already and cut out pictures of babies — had a collage on a bulletin board in her craft area — before they were even ready to have kids. That’s just not me!
I had the maternal instinct at 12 years old. My mother had given birth to my brother and I hauled him around as if he was my child.
When I found out I was pregnant with Dawson, the bond began immediately. I had longed for him and was so anxious for his birth.
And I so desperately want another child. I’m praying that God will grant my wish.
It is funny how different each of our experiences are. I guess that is what makes us such different kinds of mamas!
P.S. Thank you for sharing your great insights and experiences with something so personal!
awh amber,
that is sweet what went through you eventually.
for me, i felt it immediately with our first daughter. but not with out second until months after she was born. i didn’t know it at the time, but i think i was experiencing some kind of depression during and shortly after her pregnancy. but something clicked eventually within her first year and she became me little baby, and will always be … even though they are teens now.
you rock, kathleenybeany
I had a hard time bonding with my last baby… it could have been the drugs in the I.V., the epidural, and then the spinal block for an emergency c-section…
I am not maternal by nature. I have spurts where I REALLY want a baby… and that’s when we get pregnant. And then it goes away. Being a mom is something that I have to work really hard at. It doesn’t come naturally to me, but I’m trying!
I wasn’t sure if I was going to be a good mom and I definitely did not have the maternal instinct. We had been trying to get pregnant for over a year and said that if we weren’t pregnant by the time Hubby hit 40 we wouldn’t have children, which was okay by me. I was pregnant four months before his 40th. I loved my little boy immediately. He was mine!
My little girl was a different story. I learned I was pregnant again when my boy was only 3 month old. I cried. When she was born, I felt a lot of resentment. Sure, I loved her but she was taking away from the 1st year experience with my boy. We celebrated his 1st birthday in the hospital just 2 days after his sister was born.
After about 4 months, we bonded and I actually cherished those 2 a.m. feedings. She is a complete mama’s girl today.
There are so many emotions and hormones that come into play after a child comes into this world. It is amazing that we can even bond at all, given the wealth of responsibility that falls upon us!
It depended on the child. My first I felt that overwhelming love for her right away, and then it faded as she was really difficult for the first few months.
My second I felt it and it stayed.
My third I felt it and then I had postpardem depression, so I didn’t really feel it again for another 4 months or so.
My fourth, I was angry for a lot of my pregancy, I didn’t want to be pregnant and that negative emotion permeated everything. When he was born I faked it. I knew everyone expected me to feel joyful, so I tried to act like I did. Inside I was freaking out though. My 3rd child is ADHD and he was such a difficult toddler. It was so hard to take care of both an 18m and a newborn. I was exhausted.
Finally we had gone to the temple, while we were waiting for the session to begin, my mind was wandering as it does. “I” imagined myself being called to serve in Africa, to leave everything behind and go live in a primitive setting, to serve in a community with little in the way running water, let alone possessions. “Would you go?” “Yes” I answered immediately. I wanted that life of service. I would go. Then my mind casted about to my family and my home “This is what you are called to do.”
And I got it. Both the idea of this life of service as a mother. And that overwhelming love for my children, especially my youngest. I finally loved him.
And now, 7 years later, I would have loved to have another child, because I feel like I wasted my last pregnancy, my last birth with fruitless anger. I’d love to go through it again, just so I can appreciate the miracle that it is.
But it apparently isn’t what I’m called to do this time, or rather I already have my callings now.
So I am determined in someway to make the experience be turned for good. And I share it when it seems right. And in that way, though I cannot change my experience, perhaps I can change someone elses.
WOWOWOWOW, these are such inspiring stories! Thank you, Sketchy, for detailing your journey!
I know I have already commented – but I wanted to let you know that there is a blog award on my site for you to pick up!
http://www.blessedsoandso.blogspot.com
I can so relate to this, especially the part about having a colic baby and that making it so hard.
I posted about this very thing quite recently here:
http://www.totalmomhaircut.com/2008/07/05/seasons-change.html
I see you commented on it:)
I love the way you described the baby that you held at church. I want a baby with, “sumo arms” and delightful, “burgeoning cheeks”.
My maternal instinct has sharpened since reading your post. You are such a fabulous writer!
I think it me a couple of days to get to know my babies. I think it was easier with some than others.
I still have a very hard time being affectionate. It makes me horribly uncomfortable with my older ones for some reason. I have to really be aware of it and fight through it. Make sure I show them lots of affection and make sure they know I love them.
I love them so much, but it is hard.
yes, i bonded instantly with my children. that doesn’t mean being a mother to a newborn/infant was always easy. there were some very trying times and i enjoyed them as toddlers much more.
i hope that third one comes quickly. and that he or she will be another great experience for you. i can’t wait to hear stories of adventures with 3 kids in tow =)
http://www.sunshine-on-my-shoulders.blogspot.com
It took me a couple weeks to feel that bond. I thought there was something wrong with me! Later I realized I was mildly suffering from post-partum depression, but quickly it went away!
Happy baby-making!
Wow. I can really relate…Not a baby person in the beginning. In fact, my husband changed our first child’s first diaper and it just took me so long to warm up.
Best of luck to you in your adventure to bring another little one into this world!! So exciting!
Gosh Amber, I think I could have written this post! When I met my husband at 21, I told him I didn’t want kids. I’ve never really liked kids that much and was totally absorbed in my career and my selfish little self! Then, as I neared 30 – that biological clock started reeking havoc! It took a while for my to adjust to motherhood the first time around (as I have a male version of your Hurricane!) – but the second child was a joy even during my pregnancy. I still don’t really like other people’s kids, but I LOVE my own. And, I think I actually want to have a couple more (gasp!)! Pretty strange, considering I was so “anti-baby” just 10 years ago!
Good Luck with your baby-making fun!
http://milehighmommy.blogspot.com
Like so many that have commented on here, I knew I wanted to have children. But with my first I feel like I didn’t really bond with her, I was so focused on taking care of her and meeting her needs that I forgot to enjoy her.
With #2 that was born 20 months later, it was instant and to this day she melts my heart.
But I still have trouble with my older child, she is difficult, stubborn and strong willed. Don’t get me wrong I love her but sometimes being a mom is just hard. Especially when daddy works a lot of hours.
I use to love every ones babies but now after having my own I am not that way.
Being the oldest child I think my maternal instinct kicked in early, but I wasn’t really sure I wanted my own kids. Luckily God got us preggers and then I chose to have another and quite frankly fantasize about another. Working the the little ones has been the bigger challenge but I think it has helped me be a better mom.
Hee hee. Before Fly was born, whenever I’d see a baby being all cute and cuddly, I’d point him or her out to my husband, and he’d say, “Look away! Look away!” I wouldn’t have dared try to hold a baby, though. Too tricky.
You’re right — that bonding isn’t always immediate.
Like many other posters, I never envisioned myself as a mom. I just never felt the urge or desire to do so. And, honestly, only got pregnant with our first born because we thought that it was what a married couple was supposed to do. Luckily, we received our wake up call immediately when my son arrived 7 weeks early and then it was all over for me. I was completely absorbed in baby fever and decided that I wanted more children and would embrace Motherhood to the fullest. After a few miscarriages and two precious beautiful children, I am constantly wondering if I am really done or not. The bonding to both children happened upon labour and it was a very difficult waiting process to be given my child as I was impatient to stare into their beautiful eyes.