When Arms Are Empty: A Pregnancy Loss Primer
Every pregnancy ends.
Ideally, a pregnancy ends with an ice-chip-fueled marathon of contracting, pushing, or with the flash of a scalpel in an operating room. A bundled baby with goopy eyes and a little hat is placed into welcoming arms, at last. Cameras capture, footprints are rocked onto scrapbook paper, a name is given. When you want to have a baby, this is the dream come true.
Unfortunately, 25% of pregnancies do not have a happy outcome. They end too early, in miscarriage or stillbirth.
I have had four miscarriages. My most recent pregnancy loss was this past March, so it is still fresh and the wound slightly raw. I’ve found that many people don’t know what to say. Why should they? While a lot of women have found themselves in this club, most have not.
When pregnancy loss happens to a friend, a sister, any woman in your life, you may struggle for the right words or gestures. You may even harbor secret fears that it could happen to you too, especially if you are currently pregnant. It seems ludicrous with our technology, modern medicine, new hospitals with shiny floors and shinier doctors that something so awful can happen in 2008.
My advice? Simply say you are sorry. Don’t say there must have been something wrong with the baby. Don’t attempt to comfort by telling the mourning woman or family they can try again. Don’t insinuate because she was five weeks along or eight weeks or twelve weeks that the magnitude of her pain is proportional. She could have tried to get pregnant for three years before losing her baby at five weeks—you may not be privy to this type of information.
Send a card. A few weeks ago, while card shopping, I noticed pregnancy loss cards. If you don’t have the “right” words to say, get a card and sign your name. Take a meal, especially if the woman had to be hospitalized. Buy a plant for her, instead of flowers, which will die. After my first loss, I was hyper-aware of the flowers dying on my dining room table. A plant I received is still thriving and growing over three years later.
Pregnancy loss is a visceral reminder we are ultimately powerless. There was nothing I could do to bring my babies back to life or stop the process of miscarrying once it started. Nothing made me feel more small or lonely than those moments when my pregnancies ended too soon.
The care, concern, and prayers of others got me through some very dark days. I hate that I am in this club, multiple times. It’s not a choice I would have made, but it’s a part of my history.
If you have experienced pregnancy loss, I am so sorry. Is there anything you would like to add? What helped you? What hurt?
If you’ve never had a loss, and don’t know what to do or say when it happens to friends or family, share your concerns.
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I am fortunate to be in the club that has not experienced this. Before having children, I could never figure out what the big deal was – it wasn’t like you actually lost a physical baby, I thought.
Now, I know just how much is at stake. And my heart aches for any woman who has to go through it. Great advice, Gretchen!
I am so sorry for your loses. I can’t even imagine what you have gone through. I have been blessed with 1 pregnancy and 1 healthy baby. However, my mother, cousin and friends are all in your club. My mother gave birth to a stillborn in 1979. I can’t imagine going through 9 months of pregnancy and having that result. It takes such a strong person to get through something like that. I can’t even imagine going through 1 day of pregnancy and losing the baby. It is so heartbreaking. Unfortunately, there are so many women out there who have experienced this. I think the best thing to do is to talk to other women who have lost their babies. Everyone knows about the March of Dimes which is such a great organization. I have also been a part of an annual event called A Walk to Remember. It is held in October at Clement Park. It’s a really great event.
Again, I am so sorry for your loses and thank you for sharing your story.
Beautifully put…it is so hard to know what to say or how to comfort someone when they experience loss of this magnitude. Your words will help me, and so many others to come along side the women in our lives that are struggling with this pain. Thank you.
I’ve never had a loss and do struggle to know just what to say. I want to express my concern and love when I’m sure those I’ve known affected by this already know my concern and love. I just try to be there and pray, and it’s so hard when I want to be such a fixer of something clearly I could never fix.
I do have to say that from reading your posts on loss, I am closer to understanding more than I ever have before.
Steph
Honestly, I don’t know many women who haven’t experienced a pregnancy loss. Every woman in my playgroup of 12 has had at least one miscarriage. At least 10-12 of my far-flung friends have either lost a baby, had a stillborn or had a miscarriage. When you consider 25% of pregnancies end without a baby, and most women get pregnant more than once, it’s statistically common.
Your advice is spot-on, though, Gretchen. Just saying you’re sorry is enough.
I had a miscarriage after my third child was born. It was a new, dark territory of emotions I had never felt before and would never wish on anyone. Gretchen, I am so sorry that you have walked down that path as many times as you have. Thank you for sharing so openly about it.
Thank you for sharing something so personal. I, too, was like Amber. Before I had my own kids, I really didn’t “get it”. Now, I kick myself at the “not a big deal” attitude I had when a friend of mine shared her story of loss only after she had given birth to her daughter. I wonder if there’s a card for “I was such a jackass then – thank you for still being my friend!”.
And Gretchen, I want you to know I am truly sorry for your loss.
http://milehighmommy.blogspot.com
How appropriate that this was posted now. I just received an email from a friend of mine who goes to this church, announcing a different kind of Mother’s Day service. I pass it on so that anyone who might need this kind of event this Mother’s Day can know about it.
Hello wonderful women in my life!
Just wanted to let you know that St. James is doing an interesting thing around Mother’s Day. We will be hosting a Healing and Wholeness Service for those who have some grief around Mother’s Day…those who have lost children, whose moms have died or for those who have never been able to have children.
Friday, May 9, 7pm at St. James (corner of Belleview and Lowell) in Avery Hall
Just so you know – A Healing and Wholeness service at our church does not mean a kind of “shouting and forehead slapping” experience. It generally means quiet, some worship/singing time all together and then reflection stations you can go to around the room (or not) – these might include places to light a candle, journal, have someone pray with you etc.
Please pass this on to anyone you know who might benefit from this non-Hallmark version of Mother’s Day.
Thank you for sharing and shedding light on this subject. I was shocked at the deep dark pain I felt when I lost my angel at 10 weeks. I found wonderful resources in a grief counselor, the Assistance with Grief program through Swedish Hospital and the MISS Foundation which holds support groups for those who have had pregnancy and infant loss. Also, the Footprints Grief program provides wonderful classes for little ones who are trying to understand and process their own grief. My best advice…don’t be afraid to seek help. It makes a world of difference to have someone who understands walking with you through the darkness. Honor your little angel in ways that are comforting to you. And don’t buy into the myth that just because you have a loss early in pregnancy it shouldn’t be painful…someone in one of my support groups once said “regardless of it you are hit by a semi or a pick-up truck, it still hurts!”
I am so sorry for your losses Gretchen, thank you for sharing, and great to hear about the Mother’s Day Alternative Service too!
Gretchen,
I am so sorry that you have gone through so much deep grief. I am so sorry to hear about your precious babies and I send you support.
Your story allows me to share mine: I lost my son while 8 months pregnant and it was and is absolutely devastating. Until this huge and painful loss appeared in my life I thought, “I’m someone who is always fortunate and things go well for me.”
Now I know that we will all be face to face with death at some point….our own, our children’s, our parents and on and on. None of us live forever, right?
You are absolutely right, Gretchen, that it is hurtful and incredibly painful for others to try to place blame or make excuses about why our babies died. I understand that people are often trying to make sense out of something that does not make sense, but the wrong words can be so deeply painful. Placing blame of any kind on the mother is unbelievably hurtful. Modern medical science usually has no clue as to the exact answers for why so many babies die and that is surprising in 2008. You are so true to state that it is best to just say, “I’m so sorry.” Those simple words show compassion and that is what is needed more than anything. Words that try to ‘explain’ or ‘resolve’ something that cannot be explained or resolved are usually painful to hear.
For those of you who may be suffering from the loss of your baby, I am so sorry. Mother’s Day can be particularly difficult. My advice while going through grief is to allow yourself to grieve. Allow yourself the time and space to be in the pits of grief and find supportive and caring people to talk to when you want to talk. Figure out what helps you from a long bath to writing in a journal to being alone and crying your eyes out. Grief is a long and painful journey. The old adage of ‘pull yourself up by the bootstraps’ is crap…As one friend told me, “You can’t go over it, you can’t go under it, you simply have to go through it.” There is no exact time-line for grief, as it is individual and grief is also very individual. Each person needs to grieve in their own way that is healing for them. A grieving person does not need to be “fixed”, but needs tremendous compassion.
A few outstanding resources in the Denver area:
Assistance with Grief (an outstanding group specifically for those who have lost a baby) 303-788-LOSS
http://www.MissFoundation.org (groups meet in Parker and also in Denver. The leaders of these groups are incredible)
Footprints Grief Group for children through the Denver Hospice (because older siblings experience deep loss and grief as well)
303-321-2828
http://www.footprints.hmd.org
http://www.WalktoRemember.org
(An annual walk that is beautiful and helpful)
http://www.RowanTreeFoundation.org
(A great resource with articles and there is also a beautiful memorial statue of an angel that you can visit in Parker)
I send all of you who have lost a precious baby my compassion and deepest sorrow.
Jill
As a woman who has had a miscarriage, I would also like to recommend to those people who don’t know what to say, that it is also nice when I was asked how I was doing a few months later. Many people forget that grieving can go on for awhile and when someone checked in on me later, it showed that they really do care. Many of my friends and family would forget that it can take awhile to get through that hard time. They would almost act as if it didn’t happen. Other than that, I think Gretchen’s advice is right on.
Great post, Gretchen, thanks.
Thanks for a great reminder about grief and miscarriage. I think the “you can get pregnant again” or “it was for the best, look how many kids you already have,” were probably the most hurtful to me.
Those who offered a hug, a shoulder to cry on and didn’t speak much at all were the most comforting. They said they cared without words, but their actions spoke loudly.
http://www.live4truth13.blogspot.com/
Beautiful advice, Gretchen. Thanks for sharing this.
We moved here in January. I’ve loved getting to know the couple across the street. They just had a baby boy on April 22. Her mother told me just two days ago that a year ago in May they lost their first baby when her daughter (our neighbor across the street) was 6 months pregnant. The baby just stopped moving. No explanation. These past two days I’ve been at a loss as to what to do or say, May 9 is just around the corner. Since my friend didn’t tell me herself, but instead her own mother did, I thought it might be best to wait until she herself is ready to talk about it. Do you think that’s the best thing to do? I’m so thankful I found this post today, I’ve been praying for her and her husband a lot, that their hearts will heal as they take care of their new baby.
Thank you so much for sharing with us, Gretchen. I’m so sorry you’ve had to endure this!