Spanking…what’s the general consensus on the matter?
Submitted by Mitch on March 12, 2008 – 12:21 amNo Comment
When my daughter was three and a half, she developed a real âtude.” She seemed to transform from my delightful, lovely, vivacious, angel to an uncontrollable, defiant, demon-kid about every five minutes.
MRS and I debated the pros and cons of spanking, when demon-child was present. MRS says, no way, and drops âHow Toâ? books on my lap. I say all this âtime outâ? stuff is bullcrap and some gentle but firm corporal punishment is whatâs lacking in todayâs parenting. I know it worked on me.
Iâm curious what you parents think about this subject. Do you spank or not? Do you have some secret techniques you use to control your little maniacs? Or do you just let them run wild and hope they grow out of it?
Please help!!!!
We do it but only on extreme occasions and never when they’re younger than 3. I can probably count on one hand how many times we have spanked my eldest (who has always been sweet and easy) but our second child’s rear has definitely seen its share of spankings!
Spanking is an absolute necessity at times. If you can correct her behavior when she’s 3, you won’t have to worry so much when she’s 9. Trust me, a demon-child at 3 doesn’t “grow out of it” to become an angel later on. Go into any 3rd grade classroom to see what I mean. They only figure out how to work the system and that never changes, no matter how old they get. The system has to include a clear set of consequences, and time out is too squishy for some kids or situations. All kids are different, but many kids respond very well to spanking (I’m talking about behavior modification). You’ll get indignant moms coming on here saying how they never spanked their children, who are as good as can be. Don’t believe them. The only person who likes her children by now is her.
I think spanking can really work on some kids . . . it would never be my first choice, but I wouldn’t rule it out either . . . I got spanked some as a kid and I think I’m the better for it . . . but those occasions were rare.
I don’t agree with spanking, hitting of any kind. Would you hit your spouse or another adult that disobeys you or challenges you? Why hit another loved one when they look to you for love and education in the right way for conflict resolution? So they can learn to fear you when they don’t do exactly as you say? All the kids that were hit when I was growing up turned out to either have low self esteem and no confidence (then became promiscuous) or bullies re-enacting what their parents say and do. I don’t know about the ones only occasionally hit.
There are some great books on techniques on how to discipline your child that does not involve physical abuse. Dr. Sears’ “The Discipline Book” and the numerous “Love and Logic” books. All deal with consequences to their actions and all are effective. You have to see which technique is right for your family. My child is belligerent at times but he has learned his actions have consequences and that gets through to him faster than me hitting him and him fearing me would. He’s a good, caring person now. Knowledge is power. Educate yourselves.
We always swore we would never spank. Then I was at a family reunion and asked the only one of my mom’s siblings who doesn’t have multiple children who were knocked up in high school if he spanked, and his answer was “hell yes!” (This is entirely anecdotal, obviously.)
So, yes, we spanked. I don’t think my son’s gotten spanked in at least six months, he got to the age where he would listen. I’m sure there are some kids who are chilled enough that they don’t need spanked, but my son wasn’t one of them, especially from the age of just-before-three through just-after-four. We also used time-outs in conjunction with the spanking – swats were a last resort sort of thing, for when time-outs wouldn’t stop the behavior or he was being a maniac and wouldn’t even sit in time-out.
I think it’s important to demonstrate love and affection to your child at least twice as much as they’re being disciplined (spanking or otherwise), never spank in anger, and never more than a swat or two. That’s what worked for us, anyway, and now our son is a good kid and not difficult at all.
I tried spanking once. It did not help the situation and made me feel terrible, so I never did it again. I do not want my children to think that hitting is an appropriate response when someone does something you don’t like, and I think consequences that are tied to the misdeed are much more appropriate. All three of my kids have had their challening moments, but I would never refer to any of them as “demon child.”
I completely understand the perspective Melissa brings: there are other ways. Still, I would say there are times when you must physically *restrain* your child to get the point of the discipline across. My child must understand that when I say stop, she must stop and not run out in to the street.
I think we’d all agree that spanking is never a first choice, and that ANY discipline meted out in anger is going to fail in the long run.
Not spanking doesn’t mean avoiding discipline or ignoring bad behavior. All discipline has got to be objective (similar punishment for similar offenses), delivered coolly, and for younger kids, done as soon after the problem behavior as possible.
And, I’ve discovered just this week!, the worst thing I have been doing is giving warnings. If they do the deed, my kids need the time out or other punishment immediately. Otherwise, they keep pushing boundaries, doing the same problem behavior over and over.
Have we completely ruled out spanking? No. But I’m going to use every trick in the book before we use any physical force.
I think it’s a misconception to confuse spanking with physical abuse – they are two completely different things. In a house where the parents genuinely love their kids, and the kids have logical consequences for their behavior, I think spanking can be appropriate. (and this is speaking from someone who was spanked out of anger and for random reasons when I was little, because i had a parent who was an alcoholic and abusive, so I know what it looks like when mis-used and is abusive, and I don’t take it lightly.)
I think between the ages of 2 to 6 there will be specific times when your child is purposely disobeying you that spanking would be appropriate. If you don’t understand those times, then you should not do it. We have taken parenting classes, and believe in logical consequences. I take to heart the advice we received “The teenage years are won and lost in the toddler years” Imagine your child when they are 16 what kind of person you hope they will be, and you will see how important it is for them to learn certain things now.
We spank rarely, and only for specific things. In the other times, we use logical consequences, time outs (not for our 6 year old introvert though, and if you’ve had time outs fail, consider if your child is one, it’s a reward for an introvert to get some time to themselves!) removal of privileges, restitution, etc.
The child needs to have done something on purpose, known in advance the rules, and the why. It has to be done in love. I recommend other consequences if you feel you don’t understand it. It’s really better not to use it at all, then to mis-use it. Trust me.
When nothing else works we spank, but if spanking doesn’t work then we stop it too.
If we do spank our rules (besides the ones mentioned above about age, child’s intent, etc) are: give a warning first and only one warning and follow through. Spank once and spank hard. More than once can turn into venting and if it doesn’t hurt they may not care (like my son who looked at me and said, “Hey, thats not that bad.”) And NEVER spank when you are angry.
Now, spanking worked like a charm on my girls. All I have to say now is, “Do you want a spank?” and they shape up fast (this is when they are 3-4) so I’ve spanked them less times than I have fingers on one hand.
My boys seemed to have buns of steel and memories like Doree from Nemo. I could spank hard and often and it didn’t change a thing so we stopped and found other ways to deal with disobedience (they HATED having to sit on my lap or hold my hand)
On the whole though it is rarely, if ever, needed. There are often things that work much better (though you won’t find them in any parenting book) and that won’t get you arrested or yelled at by your wife.
I just carry them to their room.
The parent is stronger, during the time when spanking would make a difference. And the kid doesn’t develop the fear complex that existed in my childhood household.
I think a swat on the butt once in a blue moon is acceptable (for a child over, say 5 or so). When the child has done something so outrageous and wrong and KNOWS better, I don’t think this has a damaging effect on the child. I wouldn’t use it frequently or for relatively minor infractions because it would become useless and the child would just learn that they can hit in the normal course of dealing with anger or frustration.
What works with my 6 year old? Telling him that if he doesn’t stop acting up in the store, we’re going to STAY HERE ALL DAY.
Melissa has it correct. Go to any psychology class, or read any psychology book and talk to people with stable families and they’ll tell you spanking is absolutely unnecessary. In fact, in my mind it’s inappropriate.
Also, everyone who’s supporting this is only emboldening the author of the post, who clearly is looking for validation that spanking is okay.
If you can’t control your child with words and non-physical punishment, I don’t really have a lot of hope for you.
We don’t use spanking and I don’t believe in fear-based discipline for our family. I think there are ways to effectively discipline without spanking. We use distraction when the kids are little and natural and logical consequences when the kids are old enough to understand. It works for us.
I think Melissa makes some good points and she references some good books on the topic of gentle discipline. Also worth noting, gentle discipline does NOT mean permissive.
More info for anyone looking for an alternative to spanking:
Gentle Discipline
Amy
Crunchy Domestic Goddess
We don’t spank. Personally, I think all it does is teach that hitting is a way to solve a problem. JMHO.