Sex. Marriage. The Secret Problem
Iâm sitting here with my brother and Amber emails me to write a post for MHM. I ask my brotherâsingle, by the wayâwhat I should write about for the Mamas. He says, and I quote, âtell them to get on um more.â?
I chuckle. I say, âwhy not?â?
But considering the MHM audience is primarily female, I think it best to approach this subject from a slightly less predictable direction. I donât think anyone wants to read about, nor cares about, some random married dude complaining about not getting enough action in the boudoir.
I think Iâm going to tackle this issue from a place that might surprise you. Since I donât expect much if any of my male readership to be venturing over hereâthough I will be promoting the post on my blog so I might be wrongâIâm going to get a wee bit in touch with my feminine side.
Any even casual reader of my blog knows how much Iâve complained about my sad excuse for a sex life. And the causes of said sad sex life are nothing mind-boggling: married 5 years, two kids, late 30âs (her) early 40âs (me), always tired (both). Iâm sure many of you are saying, âYep. Me too. Preach it boyfriend.â? Well, hereâs one that you might not be expecting. Iâve learned that another reason that weâve been less active than I would like is that over the past 6-12 months Iâve been kind of aâ¦umâ¦this is tough to admitâ¦a little bit of aâ¦JERK.
Yes. Youâve heard it here first. Iâve learned that SOME of the blame lies with me. Itâs not just that MRS (my wifeâs nickname on my blog) is frigid (just kidding honey). Itâs not just that MRS handles all the household organization, does the bulk of the kid duties, keeps our family running like a well-oiled machine, and oh-by-the-way, maintains a full-time job and thusly isnât all that amorous when I mosey up to bed at 11:30 on a Wednesday night, wake her up and ask her if she wants to fool around. And itâs not just that MRS needs the perfect buzz at the perfect moment to succumb to my caveman-esq advances. She also needs me to be NICE.
Having kids later in life (I was 36 and she was 33 when we had our first) creates challenges when both parties came into the arrangement with strong, independent backgrounds. Iâve had a trouble recently, coping with the onslaught of femininity thrust upon me like an estrogen tsunami. During my bad spells, not so coincidentally, my sexual advances have been cast aside like three-week-old sushi. However, not so shockingly, during the stretches where I have been considerate and patient with MRS and the girls, Iâve actually gotten a decent amount of play.
Imagine that. When I actually step back and tone down my selfishness, when I actually take the time to appreciate my wife and let her know about it, and when I actually donât bug her for sex every waking hour of the dayâand even some sleeping hours of the day, my wife looks upon me with the same eyes she looked upon me when we wereâas she puts itâfalling in love. Ugh. That was tough to type.
Moral of the story for us boysâtake your pick.
* Be nice to your partnerâif for no other reason than you might just get some.
* Be nice to your partnerâshe deserves it!
* Be nice to your partnerâsheâll be nicer to you.
* Be nice to your partnerâyour relationship depends on it.
* Be nice to your partnerâall of the above.
[...] go read: Sex. Marriage. The Secret Problem. And try not to think I’ve gone completely [...]
It’s ironic that you posted this when you did. I just put up a post today about a book called “The Lazy Husband” that my wife’s reading (I don’t read those sorts of books). According to her, there’s a chapter whose message is basically that: do more shit around the house and you’ll get lucky.
Ultimately, though, I think it’s a little more complicated than just being nice… you alluded to it, but I’d give it more emphasis: timing is everything. Once you have kids, sleep is a priority, so don’t go waking her up for play. If you’re thinking that way, go up to bed when she does and try to initiate. And if she looks tired, she probably is, and you’ll just piss her off by asking, so go rub one out and hope for better chances tomorrow.
http://talesfromthedadside.blogspot.com/
“Ugh. That was tough to type.” ha ha ha!
This is so true! And thank you for saying it with out a gun to your head. An email foward was being sent around a while ago called “Porn for women” and it had pics of men doing the dishes, laundry, vacuuming, offering backrubs, etc. It was totally HOT! =)
My hubby learned this lesson early on and knows that the best way to fix any lag in the bedroom scene is to start helping without being asked, to stop asking for “it,” to be well groomed, and to kiss my neck without making me think there are strings attatched.
I have to admit I laughed. But it is true. I don’t particularly enjoy getting it on with Mr. Grumpypants.
You know, just writing this post will probably get you some action.
I have tried and tried to explain to my husband that coming up with wholly unbelievable compliments about my pregnant self will not get him nearly as far as, say, doing the dishes and bathing the toddler so I can have half an hour to try and remember what I liked about him in the first place.
I’m having a tough time believing you can be a jerk.
Really. Here I thought ALL men were sunshine and roses.
Snicker.
I’m forwarding this to my husband’s email account. Let’s see if he’s half as smart as you.
I get what you’re saying.
Offer to empty the dishwasher = Sex
Take out the trash without being asked = Sex
Give the kid his bath while Mommy relaxes for a moment = Sex
I know from experience that it does work. But you don’t want to over do it because, dare I say, you might get to tired to peform as expected.
Tell me you noticed all that Pilates is working = sex
Be decisive and don’t force one more decision on me = sex
Take the little one for five minutes and give me space to breathe = sex
And so on and so forth.
I see how it works.
http://www.theaverylaneexperience.com
Jason, if you are scared doing one or two things might make you too tired to perform then why on earth would your woman (who I’m sure does way more than one or two things) not be too tired… just something to think about =)
This was good Mitch, and proof that you’ll try anything to get laid. Let us know how this works out.
view from the cloud
The dirty secret of sex and marriage is the dirty secret of the entire animal kingdom; the best provider gets the action, whether he’s nice or not. I grocery shop, cook, clean up, care for the kids, do my own laundry, etc, etc, etc & try to keep a smile on my face throughout but I haven’t been successful enough financially so I’m cut off.
I know I’ll get slapped for this, but in my marriage, it’s me who is wanting more. We have a very evenly divided household arrangement here, because my husband has always been helpful. I know, sickening, isn’t it?
He also has two to three jobs, depending on the day. So, after a long day of working his job, helping me with mine, performing stand-up comedy, and helping me to raise Amos, gosh darn it: he’s tired. And I get less.
It’s not always rosey on the other side of the fence.
This is me…totally in love with you.
I’ve been trying to convince my husband that the hottest thing he could do for me is to let me take a nice hot bath while HE puts the kid to bed. It’s an easy win-win situation.
http://thebloggess.com/
Great post and it’s true. Preach it boyfriend.
http://www.claresdad.blogspot.com
so true. i am more attracted to my hubby when he’s nice and he does things around the house to help out.
amy
crunchy domestic goddess
http://crunchydomesticgoddess.com
Jerk.
My God, man! You really will stoop to anything just to get laid. I bet this post alone is worth two rounds. I have emptied plenty of dishwashers and never been attacked by a wife overcome with passion. It’s a myth they sell you since they know no man can deliver.
Way to Preach it Boyfriend !!!!! Great post. Did you get lucky?
First of all – Mitch sent me (ok, there was this link in one of his posts) and secondly I have to admit that I see the same trend in my marriage.
Which is quite a turnaround from when we were younger and nicer watching the jerk get it on with the hottest cheerleader…
yeah yeah, grow up dennis…I hear ya’
I appreciate the blatant honesty in the post. Here is mine:
Caveman=thinking only of what you want, grunt.
Goodman=notcing universe of wife/children, even when wife isn’t: horizontal, dressing, or getting in to/out of a bath
As a parent of 3 young children and NO LIBIDO, I will tell you that setting a set day for s-e-x is what has helped us the most. My DH is pretty much guaranted some action at that time (he’s a pretty amazing guy, works hard and then comes home and works harder for us), and I don’t have to think about it the rest of the time.
I am assuming our s-e-x life will not always be this scripted, but it is what is making everyone happier so far…
Another tip: when wanting to “get” some “play,” don’t call it that.
That’s one of my biggest turn-offs.
VDog
I like how you think!! HMMMM should I call my husband over here to read this post. . I love the honesty and truly being nice to your wife = Action! It does. Well at least it does here!
I read an article somewhere a couple of years ago that said “Sex begins first thing in the morning”. Now, before anyone goes and gets all excited, it didn’t say that you should always HAVE sex first thing in the morning but rather a persons behavior from the time they wake up until the time you head to the bedroom (or where ever) determines the likelyhood of getting any. I gave it to my husband to read and he snuffed it off as babble; or so I thought. A couple of weeks later, he brought up that article and said that he noticed how true it really was. He had noticed that on days that he acted like a jerk even for a few minutes in the morning his chances of getting any were slim to none.
Now that I think about it, I should probably find that article for him to re-read.
My husband actually brought this to my attention in reverse early in our marriage. He explained his theory of “positive reinforcement:” If I nagged him (i.e., “honey why do you always leave dirty dishes in the sink and your dirty socks on the floor?”), he just got annoyed and felt yucky. If I touched him lightly on the arm and breathed “Honey, seeing the kitchen spotless and your clothes all neatly put away makes me feel sooo sexy” resulted in a great..um.. desire deep within him to clean the dishes and put his clothes in the hamper…
moondancenight.blogspot.com
Thank God for Porn! I am tired of working, cooking, doing my own laundry, disciplinarian, driver, bill payer, 60 hours at work, etc… and yet I am the bad guy! Tell her I love her, come home and spend no time with friends, my whole life is spent loving and supporting her yet I get the shaft (only way I get any).
Stop playing Guitar Hero until midnight = sex
stapletonians.blogspot.com