Division of Labor
I’ll apologize upfront. This post is more centered on working mamas and their working spouses. But recently, I was discussing school drop-off and pick-up procedures with a friend and was shocked to discover that until recently, she accomplished both by herself. AND held down a full-time job. What changed was, her work was failing and she really needed her husband to help more, so he has been. He’s been getting both their kids ready in the morning and dropped off at their respective schools (of course my friend still makes their lunches… baby steps, right?) He’s also been getting an appreciation for how much work that whole rigamarole is, how much stress it can be – and sometimes, how little fun it is.
Still, I figured she was an isolated incident. So I started asking a few other of our friends. And many of them quickly chirped up and told me, that – yes, indeed – they were responsible for both drop-off and pick-up as well as their full-time jobs 99% of the time. Am I just spoiled? Because my husband and I alternate this duty 99% of the time, unless something comes up.
I recognize that some of this certainly has to do with scheduling and work responsibilities, yadda yadda. But, not to sound like a crazed feminist – is there something else at work (pun intended) here? If you work, and your spouse works, how do you handle drop-off and pick-up? Is there equal division, or is it left to you? And worse, is it left to you simply be default?
Why did it feel, as I talked to my friends, that there was just this natural assumption that it was “woman’s work” to handle all this? Which is particularly sad, because I know on the days I pull double duty, I am more frazzled and less patient with Declan – and he doesn’t get to see the “best” me. Not to insinuate these mommies can’t handle it – it just seems like a heavy load to bear, on top of everything else.
And when does the job get done?
We handle ours equally because that is what works with our schedule. My husband goes to work earlier so he drops off. I get off work early so I pick up. It is a beautiful thing.
My husband and I both work full time and have two kiddos that go to daycare while we are both working. I am usually the one that drops them off in the mornings (with the exception of Tuesdays as I have to be to work early for a staff meeting) and he’s usually the one that picks up in the evenings (except for Tuesdays – see above). Occasionally the routine changes – you know last minute things do come up – but generally we split – 50/50.
So, two already that are *dis*proving the argument!
Disclaimer: I do not work outside the home. just sayin’.
Um, my husband couldn’t get these kids off to school on time if the President of the Universe commanded it to be so.
He has no clue what they eat for lunch, or where their socks are, or which coat goes with which kid.
I could get struck down with the Plague and I would still have to get these kids back and forth. it’s just TOO MUCH for him.
I am with Mr. Lady. Now if the boys are already to go and he is ready to go he will take them to school. But do it on his own…..I don’t think so.
We don’t have to worry about picking them up, though, they ride the bus.
Before I had my tonsils out last week, I made lunches and got everyone ready to get out the door, and then we split up — me taking our daughter to elementary school, my husband taking our son plus a neighbor we pick up along the way to preschool. And then myself and my sister in law would pick the kids up, she at the preschool, me at the elementary school. Usually works pretty good.
After my surgery last week, my husband has been doing EVERYTHING, from making lunches to feeding breakfast to making sure everyone has brushed their teeth and gotten dressed, and let me say, I had my doubts, but since I was forced to give up control, and let him pack whatever he thought he should in the lunches, it has really gone beautifully!
But I will NOT get my throat operated on ever again just to see that he can
When I started back to work when #1 son was 14 months old, I dropped off and picked up every day for about 6 months. I didn’t realized how stressfull it was until one day, I freaked out on husband saying how I’m always in a hurry and never have a moment to myself and use my lunch hour running errands for the family and I’m always rushed and I’m tired of it. (He wasn’t starting work until 10:00, while I started at 8:00)
Well, apparently he heard me. And the next week, as his suggestion, he started dropping off, and I pick up. And thats how it was until we lost our 2nd car in an accident this past April. So now its back to me doing both, however usually Husband is with me and I drop him off at school on my way to work.
It is pretty tiresome, but at least in August when he’s done with school, we’ll need a second car and he can go back to dropping off.
Oh I long for the days when I’m not rushing to get the kids out to the car so I can make it work on time. The end is near… the end is near… I just keep telling myself that. However I do feel lucky to have a husband who is so supportive in this way. And I work full-time – 40 hrs/wk.
One last thing, Husband does really well getting both kids ready. ‘Cause when I’m not dropping off in the morning, I get up, get ready for work, kiss everyone good-bye and leave. He does it all. He’s a pretty dang good husband/father/partner.
When I worked (outside the home) I did 99.999% of the drop off and pick up. Why? Mainly because I had daycare on site and it would have been silly for my husband to drive to my office to drop off or pick up the kids. There were a couple times I was sick or just after having one of the babes, that he did the duty. But it was rare. Rare I tell you – ’cause moms don’t get sick – right?
Dads *can’t* do it? Come on! Sure, it might take a few days to make sure the right thing goes in the right lunch. There may be a few unique and colorful outfits every so often. But I don’t believe the “he can’t do it” line. Who hasn’t seen Mr. Mom? Just a few people in the back? Go see it.
A mom or dad can do anything. We have to. We are parents. Not to mention, if given time (patience) and a few strategic hints, most kids can handle a good portion of it themselves.
It is lots easier on us dads if you don’t believe we can, that’s for sure. Come to think of it, what the heck am I writing this for???
I’m a full-time student and I work part-time from home, so drop-off and pick-up falls to me. At this point in our lives, I have the most control over my schedule so it just makes sense.
Being the aforementioned friend, I feel like I need to chime in. I did it most of the time. Hubby and I work together and his position is of greater responsibility than mine. However, he cannot do his job at work unless mine is done. Make sense?
When we had only one child, getting out the door and to work on time was not difficult. Two is different. Maybe because of the age of our youngest (!6 mo), I don’t know. Or, maybe because our Kingergartener dawdles.
Either way, it was just assumed I would do both and if I needed to work late or once/month when I had a nonprofit board meeting, he would pick up. But he never did both because I never made it known I wanted or expected him to do so.
Until now. I am so behind at work and need to put in the hours at home at the workplace. So he said he would handle it 3 days/wk and I would handle it 2 days/wk and so far (week 2) it is working very well.
He is getting better at it and starting to establish his own way of doing things and I think it fantastic. He was always capable, but just did not have the responsibility as I took it upon myself.
Thanks Tree for adding more perspective on your situation! You were the original that brought it up, but once I started talking around, it seemed like a running theme and I was so surprised. Many of the friends I talked to acted like their husbands just assumed they would do it. Whether the men assumed because the women never said otherwise, or whether they really thought their time was more important, I am not sure… and thus the thrust of the post.
And DadUnknown, thanks for chiming in. I was hoping that some Dads would defend themselves too.
Consider me Switzerland. OK, a Switzerland who stirred the pot, but I was just wondering.
in the beginning, the main reason why I’ve handled it 99% of the time is because my commute is
Luckily, my hubby and I split the task 50/50. He normally takes them in the morning and I pick them up. I work out of the house and unfortunately the day care is about 20 minutes away. There aren’t any day cares that are too close and on the way to my hubby’s work, but thankfully one is opening in August!
It has changed based on the current status of our jobs, location of the kids’ school, etc. When they were infants, he was responsible for drop off and pick up because the day care was on his route between home and work.
More recently, I would get them ready, my husband made lunches, he took one kid to preschool and did the elementary school dropoff.
Then he changed jobs. Now we carpool to work. So, we alternate who gets them ready based on who is up, showered and ready for work. He still makes lunches. Then we drop off the kindergartener, then the preschooler, then drive to work in the HOV lane! We have had so many combinations and permutations of these scenarios throughout our brief parenting life. Flexibility is key!
We split it 50/50 when we were both working ft too. It was like that from the very beginning, so we could use the least amount of daycare as possible. I’d go to work early, dh would dropoff, then I’d pick up between 3 and 4.
It worked really well when dd went through the separation anxiety stages. While dh is very sensitive, I believe it was easier on him, and he thinks so too.
Now though, dh is a sahd, and I get myself ready in the morning and help out amap with the kiddos.
My job location recently changed to place me much farther away from the kids than DH.
He does all the drop offs and pick ups now. Not happily, but it is necessary. Prior to my move, we did them together—not alternating, as a team.
I agree with Shayne, you have to be flexible! As soon as you have it all figured out, things change on you.
I agree with Dad/Unknown. Dads are equally capable of handling all child-related tasks. Women do themselves, their children and husbands a great disservice by chosing to suffer from the Mom-as-martyr syndrome.
I would have to say that I do take care of this duty probably 90% of the time because my work schedule allows it, but when it doesn’t allow and he is avail my spouse picks up and handles it most deftly. Also, he made both the sack lunches today. Imagine that!
In matters of domesticity he out-performs me in near every arena save cleaning the bathroom, but he is the main bread-winner for now and I am happy to oblige picking up and dropping off. Plus I have made some awesome friends just by being at the school every day. We’ve even joked about when the kids are in high school and we’ll be standing in the main hallway waiting for them. 
My husband and I share the the chore of pick up and drop off. I leave for work early so he pulls the morning shift. My little girl usually calls me at work on her way to daycare, lately though, she has been calling me in tears. So I know that the mornings are not always smooth sailing with getting two kids up and out. Sometimes she’s crying because the sun is in her eyes, this morning she wanted chocolate and Daddy said no…but it’s V Day, we all deserve chocolate on V-Day
My Dad always did both. He’d pull out of the driveway right on time whether I was ready or not, and drop me off in the morning. Then in the afternoon he’d take me back to work for a couple of hours where I’d do my homework, and then back to home where Mom was usually there and working on getting dinner started. It was great.