You are so right that saying no can create a climate of hostility and anger in a family. But that is not because “no” is a bad word. In fact, it can be a very helpful and important word when it is used in conjunction with setting appropriate boundaries that establish the values we want to pass on to our children. Overuse of denial and consequences, however, can create an overload of frustration (as you stated) that is simply impossible for a child’s young brain to deal with in an appropriate way. They see no way around you and cannot cope with the disappointment if being denied. So their frustration goes straight to anger and often aggression. Making pancakes once in a while or scheduling extra fun time with the kids makes them feel loved, supported and understood. But don’t be confused – giving in on the big issues that relate to health, safety, and appropriate conduct is not the answer. Permissibility can backfire quickly as children often interpret it as meaning that their parents have given up control. Once they sense a void, they will step in quickly to regain order – but on their terms. I don’t know about any of you, but I would not (!) want my 4, 10 or 17 year-old determining the agenda in my household.

As far as rewards/punishment/consequences – these only seem to work at the beginning, but lose their effectiveness quickly. Why? Because they communicate to children that we are allowing them to set the agenda based on their behavior and based on the things that they value. Using their loves against them only adds fuel to the fire, causing them to rebel more in order to get those things/friends/activities back. Additionally, there will come a point when you as parent have to up the ante so high, that there is nowhere left to go and your power falls flat. Kids know that…

If you want to find out more about these ideas and how they can make a powerful change in the way you relate to your children – without rewards, punishments, or giving-in – check out our website http://www.growyourkids.com. We will be starting a new session of Power to Parent by Dr. Gordon Neufeld on January 14 in Denver, CO.

Wishing you all the best in parenting-
Nachshon Zohari, LCSW

this experiment reminds me of some of the things i read in “the daily groove” – an emailed parenting tip of the day (mon-fri). you can read more about it here – http://www.enjoyparenting.com/about – and sign up if you are interested. i always find the tips to be great food for thought. they aren’t always easily applied, but they keep me focused on trying to parent well.

cheers,
amy
http://crunchydomesticgoddess.com

You are good! I am so impressed by the way you work at being a better mom to your children. I do think that your dad should not get all of the credit for raising such nice children…don’t forget your wonderful mom.

Only when I am tired of excuses. Usually I just pick my battles.